Flirting is SO Important

If you’ve done any amount of cooking, you know that a pot kept on low to simmer can be brought to a boil very quickly. It’s continually cooking. The heat is being maintained. So when it comes time to get really hot, you don’t have to wait long.

Sex is the same way, especially for women. I’m sure you’ve heard the comparison, “Women are like crockpots. Men are like microwaves.” This is true. And if you turn on a crockpot, it’s going to take a while to get hot. Hours, actually. But what if the crockpot is always on? What if the contents are always simmering? You generally don’t have to wait very long for it to boil.

This is why flirting is SO important — an exhortation for husbands and wives alike. If you are always touching and whispering and suggesting and thinking about sex, it’s like maintaining the heat . . . keeping things simmering. So, when you have the opportunity for intimacy, you don’t have to wait long for things to really heat up. Sex doesn’t always have to be a whole afternoon affair (though that is nice sometimes). “Quickies” are okay, too (actually, they’re great!), but they’re only possible if the crockpot is always on.

To the Guys: Your wife already knows that you are always thinking about sex. Flirting is SO important so that she knows you’re thinking about sex with her, that you find her desirable, that you want to be with her.

To the Gals: If you think about sex only when it’s time to have sex, it will take you hours to warm up. But if you are flirting with your man, thinking about turning him on, you’ll become aroused, too — in advance. Keep the fires burning so you’re ready when he is — you know, always.

I Love My Wife, But I Hate Cats

Last week, I wrote about how important it is for a husband to cherish his wife. Today, I want to continue that theme…

Your wife will only feel treasured if you really treasure her. It cannot be faked or stumbled upon. It is shown (or not) by your attitudes and actions, moment by moment, day by day. It shows in the decisions you make, how you spend your time and money, where you live, and so on. It includes big things and little things.

It is especially evident when you choose things that your wife knows you don’t particularly like. For example, I hate cats. As a pastor-theologian who knows Greek and Hebrew, I can tell you with authority that cats were not part of the original good creation. God didn’t create them; Satan did. They rose out of the pit after the Fall, and will perish with him and his demons. But, I love my wife. And so, on Valentine’s Day some years ago, I bought my wife not one, but two cats. I paid for their shots, food, and collars. I turned a deaf ear to their incessant meowing, a blind eye to their marring of our best furniture. I resisted every urge to torture them. (Okay, not every urge. But the little imp deserved it. Really. What could I do? It was my righteous duty before God…) Why did I do this? Because I value my wife and want to make her happy. To show her that I treasure her above myself, I invited those diabolical beasts into our lives. By this action, she knew I loved her.

Friend, let me tell you something which if you can cement into your thinking and behaving will make you a very happy man (and your wife a very happy woman). It’s simply this: A cherished woman wants to please her husband. Memorize that and believe it. It will be the difference between marital bliss and marital blah.

There are endless ways for a husband to cherish his wife. We will consider some of them later. For now, you must firmly grasp that you (husband) are to treasure your wife the way that Christ treasures the Church. He doesn’t always give us what we want, but He always gives us what we need. And He communicates that we are worthy of His infinitely costly self-sacrifice. Moreover, He continues to lavish every good gift upon us, freely giving us all things, culminating in the eternal joy of eternal life with Him in the paradisal new earth. That is the pattern for husbands to cherish their wives.

Husband, what things are you willing to sacrifice in order to love your wife? Is there anything you are unwilling to sacrifice for her? Wife, tell him something you know he has given up for you. Tell him something you don’t think he would give up for you.
Wife, do you feel like his highest treasure? Tell him why or why not.
Wife, when talking on the phone with him, does it ever seem as though you are bothering him? Or face-to-face, does he “go other places” in his mind while you are talking? If so, how does it make you feel? Explain it to him.

Sometimes Sexual Pleasure Has to Be Learned

To become better lovers, a husband and wife both need to study how to give and how to receive pleasure.

The second part seems almost absurd, doesn’t it? How could a person not know how to receive pleasure? No one has ever given me lessons in enjoying peanut butter ice cream, and I seem to be doing okay in finding pleasure in it all by myself. No one taught me how to find pleasure in reading good books. Oh sure, I have learned a lot about becoming a better reader, but I didn’t need to learn to enjoy reading. Why is sex any different? Because sex is intimately relational. It adds another person to the equation, an addition that brings all kinds of potential pleasure-inhibitors with it. Lovemaking will improve as you both learn to receive pleasure from the other.

Learning to receive pleasure may involve things like:

Overcoming your frustrations about what he/she does or doesn’t do outside the bedroom.
Wishing he/she appeared more interested in actually participating in this sexual experience.
Leaving behind guilt from past failures.
Enjoying pleasure in faith rather than in pessimism.
Believing that your spouse really does want to bless you right now.
Living as a person created by God to be sexual and to experience sexual pleasure.
Entrusting your body to your spouse and letting him/her bring pleasure to it.
Discovering how your body works.
Asking him/her to go faster/slower, firmer/gentler, here/there, sooner/later.
Suggesting (graciously) that there be more romance, bigger build up, and more expressions of love outside the bedroom.
Learning to stop saying “no” or “maybe” or “once we” or “if only,” and start saying “yes.”

(Not) Studying Your Guy — Convicted!

I love to read. Really love to read. Words and I just get along. (Not like numbers. We don’t get along — at all.) Words are some of my closest friends. When I have free time (which isn’t very often), I love to read. Give me a novel and I will devour it. I know this so well about myself that I refuse to even glance at the fiction section in the library. Otherwise, I will become consumed with a book until the last page. My children could ask me anything while I’m reading and I would consent. It’s scary, actually. Often, I don’t even hear them talking to me. And since I know this about myself, I must exercise extreme self-control in this area. It’s a standing joke with my husband about the stack of books on my nightstand, but better that they are there than in my hands.

Last week, I let my guard down. I was deceived into thinking I could handle just. one. book. I had several hours of free time . . . and there was this book I’d received for my birthday almost 2 years ago. I’d had to put it downstairs in the guest bedroom so that I could resist it. But I knew it was there. It was calling to me. I could almost smell it. So, like a dieter sneaking chocolate when no one is looking, I curled up in a corner of the living room with my book of fiction . . . and indulged. I couldn’t put it down. In a few hours, I’d read more than half of the 500-page book. I was addicted. For the next week, I worked my schedule around time for reading. I’d reward myself with a chapter for doing the dishes or folding a basket of laundry. I planned free reading time for the kids, so that I could read. And though I managed to not neglect my normal responsibilities (like showering or feeding my family), it was always there . . . beckoning me.

And then the thought occurred to me . . . why don’t other things consume me like this? Why don’t I get this absorbed in Scripture, for example? (Feeling convicted yet?) Or, shall we get straight to the point, why am I not this obsessed with studying my husband? He’s certainly an interesting topic. And he would gladly tell me anything I wanted to know. You could say he’s an open book. (Sorry, had to do it.) I should be preoccupied with him, his likes and dislikes and preferences . . . his favorites and desires and pleasures . . . his concerns and struggles and challenges. (Can you tell I’m feeling a little convicted in this area?)

And I do think about my guy a lot, especially when he’s around. But do I put concerted time and effort into thinking about intentionally blessing him or have we been together so long that I’m just pretty good at flying by the seat of my pants? I already know most of the list above, so why do I need to continue studying? I’m a Doug Expert! Right? The truth is, just as I am changing and growing, he is, too. And there is always more to learn about your marriage and your husband . . . no matter how long you’ve been together.

It may not be reading for you . . . it may be shopping . . . or surfing the net . . . or organizing your home . . . or even really good things — like your kids . . . anything that you get really excited about. Compare that enthusiasm to how you feel about putting effort into studying your husband. Are you ever that excited about your marriage . . . or your man?

Specific Marriage Help For This Week

For those of you who have a difficult time planning and setting goals, I’m here for you. Here are a few suggestions for this week. (In case your spouse is willing to do this, don’t ruin it by reading my thoughts for him/her. Just read what is recommended for you.)

Husband:

Express your love to your wife daily, creatively and with words.
Plan and execute a date for either this week or next. (You plan everything, start to finish.) Be creative, intentional, and romantic. And refuse to let anything discourage you.

Wife:

Discover one thing your husband is working on (at home, on the job, church ministry, etc.). Pray for him, tell him that you prayed for him, and ask how it is going.
Pick one night (or morning or afternoon) in the next ten days and give him a sexual treat. Get yourself in the mood, present yourself creatively, and give your body to him enthusiastically. And refuse to allow anything to discourage you.

Share the love

If your spouse did any of these things and you want to share, please do so in the comments. It may be an encouragement to others.

Showering is SO Important

Yep, you read that right. Showering is SO important. Before you say duh and close this post, let me insert an important adverb into the title, “Showering Together is SO Important.” Ah ha! Now I’ve got your attention.

This is perhaps a little more tricky (especially if you have kids) than my other SO Important posts on kissing and touching. It’s also considerably more intimate.

Have you ever showered together? And I don’t mean to conserve water or because the other shower in the house was out of commission. Have you ever taken a long, leisurely, so-you-almost-run-out-of-hot-water, enjoying-each-other’s-body shower together?

We know a couple that has remodeled their bathroom specifically designing a walk-in, glass-block, multiple extra shower heads, extra-large, deluxe showering extravaganza. (Now that’s what I’m talking’ about!) But even if you have the standard, builder-grade, regular-sized stall, showering together can be ~~comical~~ fun.

If this sounds enjoyable to you, then make the time for it. Get up early, put the kids to bed early, or plan a weekend away. Treat your spouse to a shower massage. Use a special shower gel. Linger and relax, or make it hot and steamy. Spend time enjoying your spouse’s body.

If it doesn’t sound like a good time, explore why. (Read my husband’s post here.) And work toward this as an expression of trust and affection and closeness in your marriage.

Treating Your Wife as Your Highest Treasure

For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church. (Eph. 5:29)

Cherish means something like “to value highly.” We cherish things we consider precious and special to us. Guys cherish different things: their car or bike, an autograph or a signed picture of their favorite player, their father, brother, or best friend. Whatever we cherish, we take great care of and spend time with.

When Krista and I were first married, I worked at a music retail store. My primary responsibility was the acoustic guitar section. One guitar, a Guild, captured my attention. I tuned and cleaned that guitar every day for hours. It was one of the sweetest sounding instruments I had ever heard. My affection for it grew to the point that I wouldn’t show it to customers for fear they might buy it. One day, the owner of the store told me that he was dropping the Guild line. All the guitars were to be packed up for shipping away. That night, I took Krista out to dinner and told her the devastating news. But, I had a plan. I would buy the guitar. Even with my significant employee’s discount, it stretched our budget. Nevertheless, with Krista’s support, I bought it.

Over the next several years, very few hands touched that guitar. I polished it frequently, kept it well-strung and tuned, washed my hands thoroughly before playing it, and required the few others who played it to do the same. And no one was to hold it wearing a belt-buckle which might scratch its pristine finish. When I wasn’t playing it, it lived securely and comfortably in a hardshell case stored safely out of harm’s way. The high value I placed upon that guitar was demonstrated by my obsessive actions.

This is akin to how husbands should view their wives. Not that she should be encased and stored away in a safe place, but the time, care, attention, and protection should be evident. A wife should be convinced that she is the single most important possession (so to speak) that a husband owns.

Husband, your wife should feel like your most prized treasure, so adored that no thing and no one else even comes close. More than your time, pet, friends, car, books, hobbies, family, goals, job, guitars(!); more than everything, she is your preoccupation.

Define cherish.
How does Christ cherish the Church?
Wife, what does your husband cherish? What does he place a high value upon? How does it show?
Husband, what makes your wife feel cherished and special? Wife, is he right?