God's Design for Marriage

Monthly Archives: February 2012

Yeah, BUT . . .

Wives, what do you do when you sin against your husband? I don’t mean what are the specific sinful actions you commit. But after you have offended him, how do you respond? Are you easily remorseful and quickly desire reconciliation? Do you pretend like it didn’t happen and hope he won’t mention it? Or are you ready for a fight, if it comes to that?

I know, it probably depends on the day, how he responds, the nature of the offense, and how many hormones are involved. If you don’t approach him promptly, you know, deep down inside, the sin will need to be dealt with. Your conscience (a.k.a. the Holy Spirit) will make sure it’s confronted.

So, when brought face to face with your sin, what is your confession like? Is it full of yeah, buts? “Yeah, I know I shouldn’t have gotten angry, but you shouldn’t have . . .” Are you deceived into thinking this is really a confession and asking for forgiveness? If there are any yeah, buts, it’s not. To point out how your husband is complicit in the conflict voids your confession. This is also called making excuses. You feel your sin is justified because of his. And if you do, then you don’t feel a true need to confess, but a desire to judge and defend.

In reality, our righteousness (or lack thereof) isn’t contingent upon another’s actions. Someday, we will be judged independent of our spouse. The Lord will not look at your sin and say, “Clearly you would have behaved differently if your husband hadn’t been such a louse. You had no choice but to speak to him that way. He deserved it. And so I’ll overlook your offenses.” Suddenly, you’ll be cured of the yeah, buts.

This is a heart issue. And it’s one of those times you must be self-centered. Look honestly at your sin, apart from anyone else’s involvement. It should bring genuine remorse, and a desire to repent, confess, and seek forgiveness. Make sure you’ve arrived there before approaching your husband, lest you be tempted with the yeah, buts.

 

Hard Headship

Headship is hard work. If a man thinks of it as being bossy, he is going to have a hard wife and, more often than not, hard toast. People just don’t respond well to being ordered around. Wives are people.

It’s hard when a husband observes his wife’s sin. He is responsible to sanctify her. That requires addressing her sin, lovingly and humbly, and helping her overcome it. That requires love and humility. That’s hard for many men. Throw in the potential hostile reaction of a confronted wife and you have the excuse-making factory producing at record rates.

But when a man loves a woman, he wants her to please Christ more than he wants her to like him. As it turns out, a good woman wants to please Christ too, and will therefore like the man who helps her do it. But that righteousness is the fruit of discipline which comes after the pruning.

Recently, I strolled into our bedroom to find Krista sitting on the floor holding her phone 8 inches from her ear. The other voice was loud and loveless. I could hear every unreasonable, self-pitying, critical word. As her protector, I decided that she had been mentally flogged long enough. I told her she was needed and would have to get off the phone. That gave her a good reason to end the conversation.

Later, however, she began replaying the conversation and mounting her response. Her goal was clearly not edification and peace but self-defense and retaliation. My immediate reaction was to let her at it. The other person deserved to be put in her place. But that would not have been the righteous thing to do in this case. So, I had to overcome my temptation and make sure Krista overcame hers.

I did not deny the sinful words of the other party, nor did I want to minimize the pain it caused Krista to hear them. But, regardless of those things, Jesus would have Krista respond with love, kindness, and patience. He would have me make sure she did. I had to do the hard thing, I had to confront my wife about the sin in her heart. It wasn’t easy or pleasant, but it was my duty.

We have been at this long enough that it doesn’t take long to work through these things. Krista wants my help because she wants to please Jesus. You may not have that trusting track record yet, but you need to create it. Start now. A husband who truly loves his wife will do the hard work of sanctifying her, and a wife who truly loves Jesus will want him to do it.

Suggested Goals for the Week—2/27/12

[Hint: Don't read each other's, just do yours.]

 

Husband:

Pick one thing every day this week that your wife does well. Pick something in the home, at work, at church, with friends or family, or something else, and express to her what you have observed. Let her know that you notice her successes. Build her up.

 

Wife:

Several times this week, take his hand and place it on your body somewhere as an invitation for him to touch you. It doesn’t have to be overtly sexual each time, but make sure a couple of them are. Show him that you welcome and desire his physical affection.

The Benefits of Talking to Other Husbands

Complaining about your wife to your friends — not a good idea. Bragging about your wife to your friends — great idea! Whining about another failed date night — not a good idea. Asking your friends for creative date night suggestions — great idea! Grumbling about how hard it is to extend grace when she won’t do it either — not a good idea. Sharing your struggles with a desire to listen when truth is presented — great idea!

Husbands need godly wisdom and advice from other husbands, just like wives need friends who will listen and exhort. Guys, do you have someone who will do this for you? Is there a peer or someone older that can counsel you and encourage you in your marriage? Someone perhaps whose marriage you admire? If not, pray that God will guide you to the right person.

Consequently, are you prepared to be this person for someone else? I’m not necessarily suggesting that you do this for each other. The person you counsel and the person who counsels you should probably not be the same. That also means you have to be ready to offer godly advice and recommendations when asked.

The body of Christ has been designed to build up one another, to exhort one another, and to work together to cross the finish line with one another. Marriages can benefit from this co-laboring. So take advantage of God’s design for this, too.

 

Where Wifely Submission Ends

Why should a wife submit to her husband?

Because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ also is the head of the church. (Ephesians 5:23)

Wives are half of the Christ/Church picture in marriage. They play the part of the Church who loves Christ by obeying Him. He said it like this, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments” (John 14:15). Christians who claim to love Jesus but refuse to obey Him show that their claim to love is an empty one. Christians must obey Christ. This obedience is to be depicted by a wife’s compliance with her husband’s will.

How far does submission go?

What is the extent of this submission? What are the things to which a wife must submit? Where can she draw the line? Paul answers this question, too, and he made it very simple. He taught:

But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. (Ephesians 5:24, emphasis added)

What does “in everything” mean? What does that leave out? What aspects of living and decision-making are not part of “everything”? Those are the things in which a wife does not have to submit.

There is, of course, one exception to “everything.” If a husband were to command what God prohibits or prohibit what God commands, then a wife must obey God and not her husband. For example, if a husband were to tell his wife to abort an unwanted pregnancy, the wife would be obligated to have the baby against his will. Or if he told her not to go to church, she would have to reject that instruction. However, in the latter example it is important to keep in mind that there is a significant difference between his forbidding church participation and his choosing a church that she does not prefer. A wife may not go to a church that she likes better under the claim that “I must obey God rather than a man.”

Other examples of when disobedience to a husband would be required would be if he tried to force her to engage in sexual activity with others. Or if he asked her to lie to cover up his own sin, or to join him in illegal activities. A husband’s authority over his wife does not permit him to demand that his wife sin. (But again, asking a wife to do something she does not want to do is not the same as asking her to sin. A wife must be careful to keep that distinct or she will find herself sinning against Christ.)

  1. Wife, is the Lord Jesus pleased with your submission to your husband? Why or why not? Husband, what do you think?
  2. Wife, what one area of willing obedience does your husband most wish you would grow in? Will you change today? Husband, is she right? Teach her.
  3. Wife, does he ask you to submit to things that you believe to be sinful? Talk about it. (If so, it may be wise to seek pastoral counsel.)

Get “In Touch” with Each Other

Wives, do you know where your husband most likes to be massaged? Do you know the places that relieve his tension? Or his tickle spots? Or the areas that most turn him on?

Husbands, do you know these places on your wife? Do you know how to relax her? Do you know the places you touch that drive her crazy? Do you know what makes her purr?

This is part of studying your spouse, pursuing them, knowing and caring enough to learn about him and be a blessing to her.

If you already know these areas, when was the last time you used this knowledge to bless your spouse? Have you recently treated your husband to a half-hour back massage? Given your wife an evening foot rub after a long day? Taken more than 10 minutes together at bedtime to enjoy each other’s body? If it’s been a while, make plans to do it again soon. If you don’t know these areas, get studying! ;)

 

The Blessing of a Sister

Wives, do you have someone with whom you can share your marriage joys and struggles? Is there someone praying for you and your marriage? Do you have someone walking alongside you to challenge and exhort you? Someone to give you good ideas for blessing your husband and who will point you to the truth when you need it? I’m not talking about holy gossip — that sharing of complaints veiled as “prayer requests.” Or commiserating with someone about how you’d both change your husbands if you could. I mean a godly peer or older woman who you can trust to listen and be a good influence.

I recently met with a young lady in our church who did this for me. Funny, I met with her with the intention of being a blessing and, as often happens, found myself blessed as well. During our conversation, we found that in some aspects we’d married very similar men. And being similar ourselves, we learned that we both struggle to be the wife our husband needs.

I left the meeting encouraged for several reasons.

  • Sometimes it’s just nice to know that you’re not alone in your struggles. The revelation that, “Really? You struggle with that, too?” can be comforting. But it shouldn’t be left there.
  • I was also encouraged to hear what and how God was teaching her, and what she was doing to improve in this area.
  • I became motivated again to strive for excellence in being a wife.
  • I was comforted to know that someone who can relate will be praying for me.
  • And I now plan to check in with her periodically, to share ideas, to ask hard questions, and hope that she’ll do the same for me.

I encourage you to find this someone, if you haven’t already. It may be just what you need to give your marriage a boost. Pray about it. Listen to God’s leading. Ask her. But be warned — you may find yourself boosting someone else’s marriage as well.