God Smiles When You Flirt

God encourages every husband to romance his wife—to kiss her, to touch her, to delight in her body. But this is not just a man’s game. The same level of pleasure ought to be experienced by every wife. Romantic, bodily, affectionate, sexual, joy is to be shared equally between a man and wife. Without a doubt there are differences, but they are matters of how, not what. Both partners are expected to find marriage to be an ocean of blessedness. God expects this because He created it to be such. He is aggressively in favor of marital, romantic joy. He is pleased when a husband and wife sit next to each other on the porch, sipping a cup of coffee, and sharing a chuckle at a silly squirrel’s erratic behavior. He smiles when a man and wife flirt with each other through texts, IM, and email. He nods with affirmation when a guy runs his eyes up and down his wife’s barely covered body on her way to the shower (and when he follows her in to watch). And He grants His hearty approval whenever a woman approaches her husband in order to enjoy the sexual ecstasy of making love. He made it, after all, right down to our body parts and their elated responses to the stimulations of touch. God is pleased when His children find pleasure in marriage.

Again, let’s go back to the beginning. The summary statement made about the marriage relationship when God first instituted it, and the last word spoken before sin entered the picture, was that “the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Gen. 2:25). Adam stood in front of Eve, and Eve before Adam, and neither of them gave a second thought to the fact that they were not wearing any clothes. It seemed right and natural. They liked looking at each other. They felt no humiliation, no disgrace, no hesitancy whatsoever at walking around the world, in front of God and all His creatures, buck-naked. It was good.

After they disobeyed, however, their free spirit went away, and they hid themselves when God came near (Gen. 3:8). Before, they had been exposed. Now, they felt exposed. And they couldn’t stand it. They had to find something with which to cover their naked bodies. Of course, this was the physical response to the shame they felt in their soul. They knew they had sinned against God, and now more than anything they desired to hide that sin.

For Christians, however, the curse of sin has been reversed. Its shame and reproach have been laid on another. We no longer have reason to fear the appearance of God. So then, this ought to free us to be naked and unashamed again.

I am not suggesting that public nudity is, or ever was, allowed. Remember Adam and Eve were the only human beings on the planet when they walked around in the buff. Whether God would have wanted them to remain disrobed in the presence of other men and women is a subject for another time. What I am suggesting, however, is that there should be no tentativeness for a man or woman to take off their clothes in front of God and their spouse.

Several issues may prevent a husband and wife from enjoying sexual shamelessness and freedom. The most common are poor body image, guilt for sexual sins, and past sexual abuse. In the case of body image inhibitions, the ashamed party needs to be assured and reassured of his or her partner’s acceptance (especially in a culture that is obsessed with six-pack abs and spends millions of dollars annually on cosmetic adjustments). And, the one who feels physically inadequate must be careful not to allow selfishness to rob their spouse of joy and intimacy.

When dealing with guilt for previous sexual sins, we must allow the gospel to speak into the bedroom and wipe away all of the stains. All of our wickedness has been swallowed up in the sea of forgiveness, even the perverse ones. Let them stay there forever. Enjoy your new, pure life in Christ.

Sexual abuse is in an entirely different category. Healing usually requires the assistance of pastoral counsel. Compounding the problem is the fact that most sexual abuse victims refuse to admit the abuse or they try to minimize it and continue surviving. What invariably happens is that the abused person becomes unwilling to be intimate with their spouse either relationally or physically. If you have experienced anything—from someone lewdly exposing himself/herself to you, to inappropriate touching, to rape—I cannot say it strongly enough: you need to talk to a pastoral counselor about it! Joy and intimacy in life and marriage depend upon your getting help. Do not pretend that it didn’t happen or that it’s no big deal.

Inhibition is the great pleasure-killer of sexual passion, and shyness about being naked together is a major inhibition. There should be no place where we are more comfortable and at ease than being undressed in full view of our Maker and our mate.

Do you know couples who seem to really enjoy marriage? How does it show in their relationship?
Do you know couples who seem to have little or no joy in their marriage? How does that show in their relationship?
Are you naked and unashamed in front of each other, mind, soul, and body? If not, why not?
When sex is over, do you quickly seek to cover up? Are you willing to be seen completely naked, in bright light, by your spouse? Discuss.
Would you both be willing to sleep utterly naked every night for a month? Talk about it. Try it.
Do either of you allow past sexual sin to impact your sexual joy now? Discuss.
Do you have any difficulty believing that God sees and approves when you have sex, when you flirt, when you touch each other, when you enjoy each other’s bodies? Discuss.
Again, I cannot say it strongly enough: If either of you are victims of any sexual abuse (whether apparently minor or major), it is absolutely imperative that you discuss it with someone who can help you work through it. It’s never too late.

Man Up! (Tell Her She’s Beautiful)

Every woman wants her man to tell her.

Tell her when sitting quietly together on the sofa in the evening.

Tell her at the breakfast table (even in front of the kids).

Tell her in the car.

Tell her on a walk.

Tell her while making love.

Tell her when she is all done up. And when she’s not.

Tell her when she is sad.

Tell her when other people are around.

Husband, the marriage relationship is more than physical, but it is not less. God gave you a bride expecting you to find her beautiful. Tell her she is.

Man up!

Oops!

I went poking around the plugins last night and messed something up with the blog. But I think we’re back on now. (If you can read this online, it must have worked.)

Applying 1 Corinthians 13 to Sex: Arrogance

During premarital counseling, Krista and I try to communicate something of the male sexual ego to the future bride. (For that matter, we try to communicate it to the future husband as well.) Sometimes, it’s massive!

We men tend to bring our competitive, goal-oriented, success-driven ambition into the marriage bed. Now, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. If my goal is Krista’s pleasure, and if I define success according to what makes her delight in sex, and if my competition is only trying to outdo my own efforts, then it can be a very good thing for her. But if my desire is more about wanting Krista to applaud my obviously demigod-like sexual brilliance, then it will be terribly frustrating for both of us.

A man is sexually arrogant when he wants to be thought of as an amazing lover. He wants to believe that he sends his wife into orbit every time. If she doesn’t express it as a transcendent experience, he sulks, gets angry, or wants to try again immediately to prove he can do it better. It’s all about him and his sexual ego.

I can honestly say that my greatest desire sexually is to help Krista to achieve her greatest desire sexually. Ask her, she will verify my claim. But that has not always been the case. I came into marriage with a big ego. Only when I truly began to care more about her experience than my performance did she begin to experience what I was aiming at for her. (Funny how that works.) Today, if she fails to shoot the moon, I am disappointed for her, but not personally wounded or preoccupied with my failure. It’s not about me. It’s about her.

A wife can be sexually arrogant as well. If she thinks her husband doesn’t deserve sex with her, but she, in her amazing grace, grants him the honor of being with her on occasion, that’s not love, it’s conceit and self-importance. It’s sin.

Love is unconcerned with self and entirely concerned with other. When a husband and wife approach sex like that, wonderful, transcendent things happen.

Did Your Dad Tell You About the Allure of Breasts?

Of course, one cannot contemplate pleasure in marriage without considering sex. In many ways, it is the defining act of marriage and culmination of all the other pleasures of the marital relationship. The topic is important enough to deserve its own section, and so we will hold most of our comments until we get to it. However, I want to go this far for the moment and say that Christians need to guard against two extremes when discussing sexuality. On one side of the horse is the profane, disgraceful, animalistic view of sex held by the current American culture. We live in an environment which contains “experts” who give advice about when and how to go about hooking up with a co-worker at the office Christmas party and the potential benefits and pitfalls of an exciting evening with a colleague (or boss even). Such advice is shamelessly posted on the front page of Yahoo! and FOX News. The only boundaries for the contemporary man or woman are the comforts of their own desires. (Even those can be relaxed a bit after a beer or two). Any man or woman, with any man or woman, anywhere, anytime, that’s our nation’s view of sexuality. It’s not a sacred thing, it’s not a private thing, it’s not an exclusive thing. It’s just a thing.

But the other side of the horse is the attitude that sex is something taboo and not to be discussed as though we really do it (and like it). This latter position takes something beautiful that God has made, puts a blanket over it, and hides it in the attic where hopefully no one will find it. The Bible is not even a little bit shy about discussing sexuality. When God condemns Israel for chasing after other gods, He unashamedly calls her a whore who lifts up her skirt for every man who walks by. When Jesus portrays the great idol of materialism that consumes the unbelieving heart, He calls her Babylon the Great Prostitute. This is sexuality in its sinful, perverse form. However, the Scripture is equally unashamed to describe married sexuality as it is and should be. Solomon commands his son to be filled with constant delight in the breasts of his wife. (This from a father to his son, and yet today many fathers say nothing at all to their sons regarding sexuality. Can you imagine your father talking to you about the allure of breasts?) The apostle Paul is not hesitant to instruct husbands and wives to meet the sexual needs of their spouse on a frequent, consistent basis. And if that were not enough, there is an entire book of the Bible which has one message—the physical, bodily, sexual ecstasy of marriage. We must not forget that the same Spirit of God which inspired Romans also inspired Solomon’s The Song of Songs. For a wife to admit the pleasure she experiences in having sex with her husband is no more sinful than her expressions of the joy she experiences in playing with and teaching her children. They are both blessings of God which are to be enjoyed to His glory.

We must take care not to fall off of either side of the horse. Our goal is to remain upright. We should not speak of sexuality so as to make it something crude, vulgar, or obscene, nor should we be embarrassed and sheepish in acknowledging the generous gift it is from our Maker, a gift to be opened and celebrated without reservation.

What are the two extremes we must avoid in our thinking about sex?
Wife, how openly does your husband talk about sex? Which describes him best?: “Slammed shut!” “Cracked to let a little light in.” “Open enough that I can walk through.” or “Door? What door? There’s no door here!”
Husband, which best describes her openness to sexual discussion?
If you struggle to talk freely and easily about sex, can you explain to each other why?
If you don’t struggle, do either of you think you have a cheapened or disgraced view of sexuality?

Man Up! (Have the Hard Conversation)

There are times, usually several every year, when a man needs to say difficult things to or ask challenging things of his wife. And, several times a year, men fail because they are weak, self-protecting, or afraid.

A man who loves his wife more than he loves himself will overcome and say what needs to be said.

A man who loves like Jesus will do what needs to be done.

A man who understands what it means to be a man will have the hard conversation.

Man up!

Man Up! (Be Romantic)

Jesus is romantic. Husband, if you want to be like Jesus, you will be, too.

Jesus made roses, sunsets, oceans, and gentle falling rain.

He equipped us with taste buds, smiles, noses that can smell, and hands that can interlock.

He gave us giggles, music, poetry, and imaginations.

He wrote the Song of Solomon.

Husband, if you don’t know how to be romantic, learn; if you have stopped being romantic, start again. If you want to be a husband like Jesus, become more romantic.

Man up!