Get “In Touch” with Each Other

Wives, do you know where your husband most likes to be massaged? Do you know the places that relieve his tension? Or his tickle spots? Or the areas that most turn him on?

Husbands, do you know these places on your wife? Do you know how to relax her? Do you know the places you touch that drive her crazy? Do you know what makes her purr?

This is part of studying your spouse, pursuing them, knowing and caring enough to learn about him and be a blessing to her.

If you already know these areas, when was the last time you used this knowledge to bless your spouse? Have you recently treated your husband to a half-hour back massage? Given your wife an evening foot rub after a long day? Taken more than 10 minutes together at bedtime to enjoy each other’s body? If it’s been a while, make plans to do it again soon. If you don’t know these areas, get studying!

The Blessing of a Sister

Wives, do you have someone with whom you can share your marriage joys and struggles? Is there someone praying for you and your marriage? Do you have someone walking alongside you to challenge and exhort you? Someone to give you good ideas for blessing your husband and who will point you to the truth when you need it? I’m not talking about holy gossip — that sharing of complaints veiled as “prayer requests.” Or commiserating with someone about how you’d both change your husbands if you could. I mean a godly peer or older woman who you can trust to listen and be a good influence.

I recently met with a young lady in our church who did this for me. Funny, I met with her with the intention of being a blessing and, as often happens, found myself blessed as well. During our conversation, we found that in some aspects we’d married very similar men. And being similar ourselves, we learned that we both struggle to be the wife our husband needs.

I left the meeting encouraged for several reasons.

Sometimes it’s just nice to know that you’re not alone in your struggles. The revelation that, “Really? You struggle with that, too?” can be comforting. But it shouldn’t be left there.
I was also encouraged to hear what and how God was teaching her, and what she was doing to improve in this area.
I became motivated again to strive for excellence in being a wife.
I was comforted to know that someone who can relate will be praying for me.
And I now plan to check in with her periodically, to share ideas, to ask hard questions, and hope that she’ll do the same for me.

I encourage you to find this someone, if you haven’t already. It may be just what you need to give your marriage a boost. Pray about it. Listen to God’s leading. Ask her. But be warned — you may find yourself boosting someone else’s marriage as well.

What to Pursue?

I recently skimmed through a book on marriage that a friend asked me to read. It was a book written to wives (and potential wives) about being a wife. The author suggested that some husbands are designed to serve others, and in order to keep this from frustrating his wife, she should have her own pursuits so that she doesn’t just sit around idle and unproductive. I had issues with this for several reasons.

First of all, why not suggest that the wife come alongside her husband and join him in his service to others. I realize that this isn’t always possible, but I believe it should be where she first turns her attention (certainly over pursuing something totally unrelated). A wife was created to help her husband in his pursuits, in whatever God has called him to do. That should be of first importance.

Second, regardless of whether or not she is able to directly assist him in his service, she should first be attending to serving him. For me, at least, that can easily occupy most of my time, as it includes everything from making our home a sanctuary for my husband to preparing food for our family and attending to our kids. All of which, by the way, are acts of service to my husband.

Further, what kind of a message does it send to her husband if she is pursuing her own agenda, intentionally apart from him? I’m not interested in you. I don’t care about your interests apart from me. You are not a priority to me. You are not enough to keep me occupied, productive, and satisfied.

And finally, what about simply turning her attention to studying him and learning him and knowing him. Or, if she isn’t able to physically come alongside him, she could certainly learn about his pursuits, become knowledgeable and educated in them, so that she can mentally and emotionally support him, and perhaps carry on an intelligent conversation about them.

Pursuing your own interests apart from your spouse isn’t going to bring the two of you closer together. (Duh. Sorry, it just seems that obvious to me.) And anything that isn’t bringing you closer is working to separate you. (There’s another duh, I know, but it needed to be stated.) This is not to say that a wife isn’t allowed to have her own interests and aspirations, but they should never replace or take priority over her role as a wife.

So, before I would encourage a wife to turn her attention elsewhere, I would first exhort her to pursue her husband. If he is sufficiently and adequately being satisfied, then they should decide together whether or not she has the time and energy for other diversions.

Valentine’s Day Advice

Do you have something special planned for Valentine’s Day? You should. It’s tomorrow.

For some, this is a big deal. Since their childhood, much has been done to celebrate this holiday. Heart-shaped cookies, boxes of chocolates, candy hearts that say Be Mine, flowers, everything pink and red and sparkly. For others, it’s not a big deal — it never has been. But now that they are married, it’s had to become a little bigger. Even if it’s as simple as a single red rose and a card, chances are their spouse will be expecting something.

So here’s my advice: Regardless of what you have planned, whether your expression of love is as big as a romantic get-away or little more than your daily reminder of affection for your sweetheart, be all there. Make it heart-felt, sincere. Even if you view Valentine’s Day as just another Hallmark holiday, take this culturally-mandated opportunity to verbally express your love and affection for your spouse. Maybe you don’t do it often enough. So start tomorrow. Just make sure it’s real . . . because your spouse will know if it isn’t.

Try Something New

A friend recently invited me to lunch at a new restaurant. It’s a place I wouldn’t naturally gravitate toward. It’s ethnic, and to this all-American-burger-and-fries girl who didn’t try Chinese food until college (because Douglas made me), it’s a little scary. But my pride kept me from admitting to her that I’m a chicken, so I went online and found the menu. Thankfully, it included a glossary to explain unfamiliar terms. And as I looked over the different entrees, something strange happened. I started to get a little excited. Trying something new can be a little scary at first, but if you get over that, it can be fun!

So, when was the last time you tried something new — in the bedroom? And I don’t mean new wallpaper or a different bedspread. We all get into nice routines about how things work, who expects what, and we get comfortable. Maybe it’s time to shake things up a bit. Try a different time of day . . . or a different position . . . or a different location. Or get really spicy and try scented massage oils, body-temperature chocolate, or [fill in the blank with something you think is really spicy]!

Once you get over the “I could never do that” feeling, you may find yourself actually excited about it. Gals, with Valentine’s Day right around the corner, perhaps a good goal would be to surprise your man by trying something new.

Marriage Like Gardening

I’m not a gardener. I would like to be. I like flowers and making things grow. God’s creation is truly marvelous, and I love to be outside enjoying it. But I’m not a gardener. It’s not for lack of trying, mind you. I’ve made several attempts. But, like so many things worth doing, gardening takes work.

Imagine a first-time gardener. She is enthusiastic. She reads up on gardening. She watches all of the YouTube DIY videos. She talks to experienced gardeners. She studies all of the flowers for her climate and region. She spends lots of time preparing. She is excited. And then she gets to work. She evaluates the landscape of her yard to determine the best place for her garden. She diligently works the soil, breaking it up, adding fertilizer and nutrients, removing rocks and sticks. She builds a border and possibly encloses her garden to protect it from unwanted pests. She purchases seeds or young plants to fill her garden. She doesn’t mind the hard work because she has a goal in mind, and eventually her efforts are rewarded. One day, she stands up and surveys her work . . . and it’s beautiful.

You might think that she has reached her goal. She has accomplished her task. She’s finished. But she’s not. All of this planning and preparation and installation is only the beginning. Now she must maintain her garden. She must be dedicated, giving it daily attention. She must water it. She must weed it. She must supplement the soil with plant food. She must monitor growth, prune her plants, and watch for dangerous insects. She must devote herself to keeping her garden.

It doesn’t take long, if left to itself, for a garden to go to pot. Believe me, I know from experience. Without daily attention, it becomes unruly. Lots of things grow naturally, but they aren’t the kinds of things you want in your garden. And then, instead of a little daily care and upkeep, you have a whole weekend’s worth of work to do . . . that you never get around to. And your lovely flower garden has become a mess of weeds strangling the colorful petals you once enjoyed. If years go by, you may not be able to tell that there was ever a garden in that spot to begin with, or you may occasionally find the remains of perennials peaking through to offer a glimmer of hope for the future or to simply inflict guilt.

Your marriage is the same way. Beforehand, you are so enthusiastic and excited. You plan. You prepare. You learn. You talk to married couples. You study your fiancé. You work — hard. And on your wedding day, it’s beautiful. But you haven’t arrived. You’re not finished. It’s only the beginning. Now you must maintain your marriage. And just like a garden, it takes daily attention. You must be dedicated to it — to water it, to feed it, to protect it, to evaluate what it needs, to monitor growth. You must be devoted to it. You must “get the weeds out” daily, so they don’t get a stranglehold on your marriage. If you don’t, little problems become big problems that take a lot of effort to overcome . . . and you never quite get around to. Months and years go by, and eventually you may not be able to tell that were was ever a marriage there to begin with.

So, let me exhort you, whether you’ve been married a few months or many years, give your marriage the attention it needs — every day. Be diligent to give this relationship the priority it deserves, whether it needs a little pruning or it’s infested with weeds. Be dedicated to maintaining, no, to growing your marriage into a beautiful garden.

Do You Make Him Wait — Intentionally?

Yesterday, I wrote light-heartedly about making my sweet husband wait for me to get ready for bed. But there could be another reason why your bedtime routine has become a lengthy ritual. To get right to the point, you may be stalling, hoping that he doesn’t stay awake, so you don’t have to perform your wifely duties again this week. And here I am calling you out on it.

This problem is also driven by selfishness, but it doesn’t necessarily have the easy fix I mentioned yesterday. Sure, you may just be tired and lazy and not really wanting to put forth the effort to satisfy your man. So take a nap in the afternoon. Or go to bed earlier — before you get too sleepy to play. Try reading a book about sex (or search our blog for posts about, say, showering together ) that will get you in the mood. It could be that simple.

But it may be a bigger and possibly a deeper issue. Why don’t you want to have sex with your husband? Prayerfully search your heart and maybe read through the posts here. Doug has recently written several that you might find helpful (here, here, here, and here). If necessary, talk to a trusted counselor or pastor . . . or maybe your husband. Just don’t wait to begin working on a resolution.

As my husband says, sex is the barometer of your marriage. If you don’t want to share this intimacy with your husband, find out why in order to resolve the issue and come together again as God intended.