Oh! How I Missed My Husband!

January – March, 1999.

June, 2004.

July, 2004.

And now, May, 2012.

Only a few times in our marriage have Doug and I been apart for more than a couple of days. The longest was when we relocated to Colorado. We had a condo to sell in St. Louis, and I had a well-paying job. Our hopes were for me to sell it and then join him in our new home. That didn’t work according to our plan, and after 3 months, we gave up and sold it long distance — 5 months later. Then there was a missions trip, and a youth conference, and the week I spent helping my friend in Kentucky when her twin boys were born. But that was almost 8 years ago. So, I was not prepared for the emotions I experienced last week.

Sometimes it’s funny to me how the Lord knows the very best way to orchestrate things in our lives. For several weeks, Doug and I had been contemplating my going to help his parents move. I was very willing to go, excited even, but pulling all of the pieces together (schooling, kids, finances, etc.) wasn’t coming easily. And then He gave the nudge. It was actually more of a shove … into a van. I had little more than 12 hours to prepare for the trip, and in hindsight, that was a good thing. Although I felt slightly stressed at being forced to pull all of those pieces together, if I’d had much time to ponder leaving my husband (and children and home), it would have been much more difficult.

While I was in St. Louis, knowing that I only had a week to accomplish some gargantuan tasks, I had little time to sit and think. Another good thing, a blessing from the Lord. If I’d had much time on my hands to contemplate where my husband was or what my children were doing, it would have been much more difficult. How do I know? Because the few times that I was able to sit down and talk with him on the phone, the emotions welled up beyond expression. I missed Doug so much that I couldn’t even find the words to tell him so. I was reminded of him constantly throughout the day (I was in his boyhood home after all), and I longed to see his smile, to hear his voice, to have his counsel and support and encouragement, to feel his touch. I missed sharing life with him.

Now for some, extended times like these are a regular occurrence. (I don’t know what I’d do if my husband was an airline pilot, for example, but God gives grace to what He has called us to do.) And I suppose it gets easier with practice. But I can now (or again) attest to the fact that absence does make the heart grow fonder. And I’m grateful to be reunited with my man.

Wives, would you or do you miss your husband when he leaves? Or do you look forward to that “freedom”?

Guys, are you (striving to be) the kind of husband who is missed?

My Husband, the Author

When that first proof of his book arrived, I was almost as excited as he was. I had to wait for him to arrive home before I could lay my eyes on the first material copy of his months of work. I could hardly wait! (It took longer to publish his first book than it took to gestate any of our children!) And now it’s finished …

Have you ever attempted something new without the full understanding of what it entailed? You get half-way into a project of any sort and realize,”Yikes, this is a lot bigger than I thought.” I think it often happens with home remodeling projects, but recently I learned that it can happen with other things as well. That’s how I felt when my husband began writing his book. Actually, he was about half-way into it when I realized, “Wow, this is a lot bigger and much more involved than I thought.”

For those of you who have never undertaken to write and publish a book, here’s a little description of how it might go:

Live for years with thoughts filling your head trying to escape onto a written page.
Choose a title.
Work for months pouring out your heart and soul and mind onto the written page.
Change the title.
Continue allowing the thoughts to escape, but carefully crafting the words … and recrafting.
Sit and watch your wife sob as she reads the first chapter wondering whether she’s touched or if it’s really that bad.
Piece by piece reveal those outworkings for the critique and opinions of others, making yourself completely vulnerable.
Consider those opinions … and recraft some more.
Change the title again.
Painstakingly endure your editor’s copyediting ensuring every comma, capital letter, and italicized word is correct.
Spend weeks formatting the layout, measuring margins, and selecting fonts and sizes.
Finally finalize the title.
Collaborate for weeks with a graphic designer on cover art.
Endure everyone’s opinion of the possible cover art.
Stand firm on your decision of the cover art.
Read it again … and one more time before sending it to be published.
Wait anxiously for days for the first proof to arrive.

This is only my interpretation of how my husband spend the past year of his life. But as I reflect on the mental and emotional energy he spent, I am awed, inspired, impressed, and proud (as his wife should be). I pray it makes an impact on all who read it. It’s a book about “putting Jesus in His place” — in your life, in your marriage, in your family, in everything — Exalted, where Jesus belongs. I encourage you to get your hands on a copy. Read it, and allow the Spirit to use it for your good and Jesus’ glory.

About Your Wife …

Last week, I found an article written to husbands about igniting your wife’s passions. Normally, I wouldn’t read an article directed to husbands, but I found myself curious to see if the author knew what he was talking about. I mean really, could a guy, generally-speaking, find that unique perspective?

What I discovered was — yes. Corey Allan over at Simple Marriage indeed knew what he was talking about. So I highly recommend this article to all you husbands out there. Take it from a woman — he’s right on. And it may be that his advice could take your sex life up several notches.

Kissing Revisited

I know I’ve written on the importance of kissing before. But I’ve recently experienced a new appreciation for kissing. My husband has been sick now for more than two weeks. It’s an icky, upper-respiratory, flu-like kind of thing, and I really don’t want it. Consequently, my lips have not touched his for going on 17 days. And do you know what? I miss it — dreadfully. (Rest assured, we’ve found other ways to show our affection. )

Kissing is such a habit for us that I feel like I’ve been denied a major form of communication with my husband. We do it often, sometimes quickly and other times more lingeringly, but always frequently. It’s as much a part of our regular interaction as talking. It’s our modus operandi so much so that several times we’ve almost kissed and had to catch ourselves. I’m now craving his kiss (and if you’ve read about my food cravings, you’ll understand how intense this can be).

So, my question for you is this, if your spouse was sick like this for an extended time, would you miss kissing? How much?

It Takes a Real Man …

On Friday night, my husband took me out on a date. This, in and of itself, was what I’d like to call a regular blessing. He regularly plans and takes me out on dates. He makes me feel special and cherished, and I enjoy that time having his full attention.

Sometimes I like to be surprised and not know what he has planned. But Thursday, I flat-out asked, “So, what’s on the agenda tomorrow night?” And he told me, “We’re going shopping for a new dress.” I was thrilled! I haven’t taken the time to buy a new dress for years. And believe it or not, when it comes to buying clothes for myself, there’s no one I’d rather shop with than my husband. Why? Because he participates. He really wants to be there (something you can’t pretend to do, guys). He takes pleasure in my enjoyment.

But men, this is not for the faint-hearted. If you are even considering blessing your wife in this way, you should know …

It takes a real man to walk through the women’s clothing department at Kohl’s. No, not just walk through, that would entail a purposeful strategy. Shopping with your wife includes lingering and browsing and backtracking and flipping through the racks.
It takes a real man to carry close to a dozen dresses that his wife wants to try on — some of them “just for fun.”
It takes a real man to voluntarily peruse the clearance rack for dresses while his wife is looking elsewhere.
It takes a real man to sit outside the dressing room holding his wife’s jacket and purse!
It takes a real man to comment and give his honest opinion on those dozen dresses.

This kind of date might not be for all couples. Some wives may not appreciate their husband’s input, especially if it’s not sincere. But know this, men, your wife will be blessed head to toe if you take her shopping and enjoy it as much as she does.

When Your Husband is Not Struggling

So what about when your husband is not struggling? In light of my last post, I’ve been pondering how to be a supportive wife when things are going well for your husband. How can you motivate him to be even more successful? As his wife, you can inspire him to greatness!

Last week, a friend sent me a link with 50 ideas. It was great timing, and although there’s truly nothing new under the sun (you’ve probably heard most of these before), the suggestions were creative and good reminders of way to bless your husband.

Guys, no fair peeking! Wives, here’s the link. If you try any of these, e-mail me. I’d love to know if you get a good response. And if you have ideas to add, send me those, too. I’ll post them anonymously in a future blog post for wives’ eyes only.

What To Do When Your Husband is Struggling

Recently, a friend shared about a time when her husband was struggling with his occupational calling. Together they had chosen a challenging lifestyle, requiring extensive continuing education, new language skills, and relocating to the other side of the world. And it was difficult — very difficult. You’ve heard the saying, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” and her husband was wondering if this was true of him. To give up, so to speak, had serious implications on their family and their future. [pause story]

Wives, how would you respond if your husband came to you defeated and almost ready to give up? Seriously, think about it for a moment. The leader of your family, the one God has placed over you to provide for you and to protect you is telling you he doesn’t think he can continue. Together you made this decision and worked for years toward a particular goal. You committed to support him and do whatever it took to pursue this plan, and now he’s ready to quit. He’s almost admitting failure. What would you say to him? [resume story]

Obviously, the fact that her husband even expressed the concern shook my friend’s world. She could have responded poorly, selfishly, rehearsing all she and the family had sacrificed for this and now it would have been for nothing. But thankfully, the Lord had her in a different place. She was committed to her husband. For her, it wasn’t a matter of simply telling him, “Keep your chin up. Things will get better. Let’s just stick it out.” [BTW, if your husband has truly reached the end of his rope, this will sound trite and patronizing.] She had vowed to love and support him and to be his helpmate, but she had also placed herself under his authority. And if he truly felt he couldn’t continue, she needed to accept that and support him in this decision as well. But they believed God to be clearly calling them, and changes in the plan would actually take years. So, what did she do during this dark time for her husband? How did she actively support him during this struggle? [pause story]

It’s highly unlikely that most wives will ever be in this drastic of a position. But in today’s economy, it’s possible your husband may find himself without work. He may consider making a career change. Perhaps relocation is in your future. Your husband may be faced with challenges for providing for his family. He may struggle. Do you know how best to respond? Do you know how to be a wife in this situation?

My friend was a wonderful example to me, and I was encouraged at how she responded. Here are ways she supported her husband [and then I'll finish the story]:

Listen. Give ear to his concerns. Don’t dismiss them. Take him seriously. Give him your full attention. If he gets to this point, recognize that he is making himself extremely vulnerable by sharing his weakness with you. And he’s probably not really wanting you to offer solutions. Initially, this is a good time to just be quiet.

Pray. Pray with him. Pray for him . . . and make sure he knows you are.

Remind him of truth — God’s goodness and faithfulness, His care and provision for your family.

Support him verbally. Be his #1 fan. Not in a superficial, lip-service kind of way. But let him know that you are confident in his abilities, that you trust him and his leadership, that you will follow him. Rejoice with him at his successes. Express your support regularly.

[resume story] It was many months later, but God was faithful, and He empowered her husband to succeed. With tears in her eyes, she told of the first time he preached a sermon in their new language. Because she stood by him during his struggle and supported him, she was able to rejoice with him at God’s faithfulness.