God's Design for Marriage

Category Archives: Online Book Discussions

The Complete Husband, Final Chapter

Just a couple of observations about this final chapter from Priolo: First, with an extremely few number of exceptions, men divorce their wives because they, the husband, are self-centered, unloving, neglectful, weak, and unforgiving. It is usually because of the husband’s failure to love his wife as God instructs him to, his failure to be Christ to his wife, that she is no longer considered worthy of his love. It’s his sin that has led to her sin. He excuses his own and abandons her for hers. Such husbands will give an account to God for their actions.

Second, Priolo is right. You can become a Christ-like husband, and your marriage can become better than your wildest dreams. God is in the business of changing hearts. It’s the promise of the New Covenant. He can change yours and he can change your wife’s. Do you ask Him to? Do you believe that He will respond? Do you believe that God is a liar? Or impotent? Or doesn’t care? Seek Him, ask Him, love Him. He can improve your marriage no matter whether it’s going pretty well or on the brink of collapse. It can always get better. Pray! (Heb. 11:6)

Conclusion

Well, that’s it for this online discussion. I pray that this will only be the beginning of your study of The Complete Husband. There is no way you can have learned and applied everything Priolo expressed in this quick reading of the book. Now it’s time to do the hard work of doing all that he suggests. Pray and ask the Spirit of God to reveal to you where you need to focus first. Then follow His leading and make your way, slowly and intentionally, through every chapter, asking every question, and building an exhaustive owner’s manual for your wife. Priolo has done nothing in this work but bring God’s teaching about marriage to an easy-to-apply level. If you will invest in your marriage as he has advised, you will become a husband worthy of Christ. And you may just find a joy and satisfaction in your wife that you never knew was possible. May our gracious Savior grant it for His glory and your delight!

As always, feel free to interact and respond in the comments below. Thanks for reading.

 

The Complete Husband, Chapter 13

 

We’re winding down. Only one more chapter for you to become the perfect husband. This chapter addresses a question that I get all the time: How can I be the spiritual leader in my home? As Priolo indicated, basically the entire book has been dealing with spiritual leadership. But this one, in particular, gets to the heart of leadership—servanthood.

Summary

Here are the main points from chapter 13:

  1. Being the head of your wife means that you are responsible to provide for her, to preside over her, and to love her.
  2. You must learn to be the loving leader that God requires you to be.
  3. God expects you to manage your household. This involves managing, being aware of everything, delegating, and working.
  4. You are the “boss” of your home, but not the owner. God owns it. Your authority is to be exercised according to His desires, not yours.
  5. A spiritual leader is a man who has learned to be a servant to his wife. If you want to be a great spiritual leader to your wife, you will become her servant.
  6. A servant is one who has laid aside his rights and who executes the commands of another.
  7. How to become a servant to your wife:
    • Make a list of the ways that you’ve abused your authority over your wife.
    • Ask her forgiveness for the specific ways you’ve lorded your authority over her and for not having a servant’s heart.
    • Regularly pray for her and for your attitude toward her, asking God to give you the wisdom and humility to be a servant.
    • Make it your goal to help her achieve her God-honoring goals.
    • Look for opportunities to minister to her in other ways. Invest your time, effort, thought, and money in ministering to her; discover what her needs are and use your resources to meet them.
    • Assist her in fulfilling her chores and other responsibilities.
    • Learn to esteem her more highly than you esteem yourself.

Personal Reflections

One of the concepts that has most shaped my husbanding is the idea of being responsible. To be responsible is to be accountable. I am accountable for my wife and how I lead, manage, and love her. The one to whom I will give an account is the Lord Jesus Himself. Someday, I will stand at His throne and He will say to me, “Doug, I entrusted Krista into your care. I expected you to show her who I am. I expected you to demonstrate My selfless love, My care for her daily well-being, My gracious love, My desire for her sanctification, My gentle rebuke, My kind encouragement, My generous provisions, My careful direction of her life, My romantic affection, and My self-sacrifice for her. How did you do? Give an account of yourself.” I often ask myself, If He were to call me to account today, would I be eager to report or ashamed? How about you?

In past generations, many husbands neglected to serve their wives because of a wrong view of headship. They thought headship equated to dictatorship. These days, however, I believe the far greater problem is selfishness. We want to do what we want to do. If you happen to be married to a woman who is exceedingly gracious or timid or a people pleaser, she will do everything for you, without complaint, leaving you to think that she is content just to serve your every desire. Throw in a token expression of kindness about once a week, and you can convince yourself that she’s happy, you’re happy, everybody’s happy. But is Jesus happy? Do your standards for husbanding match His?

What would change in your home if you took an “all in” servant approach to loving your wife? (Would she even recognize you?) Do you know what kinds of things keep you from truly serving her? Selfishness? Laziness? Fear? Ignorance? Pride? Do you love her enough to discover the cause and conquer it? Will you serve your wife like Jesus serves you?

Next Week

Lord willing, we will continue next Thursday with (the final) chapter 14. Please read it ahead of time, and come prepared to learn from others.

Your Turn

What are your thoughts about chapter 13? Share them in the comments below.

 

The Complete Husband, Chapter 12

Summary

This chapter can be captured with this: Your wife is a blessing. Do you realize it? Does she know it? If either of those are not deeply felt and understood, you have serious work to do.

Your wife should feel honored by, and precious to, you. Does she?

Your wife is designed to be your greatest reward this side of glory and your fellow heir of the grace of life. Do you see her accordingly? Does she feel like it?

If I asked your wife to describe how valuable she feels in your eyes, what would her response be?

Personal Reflections

The occasional (even daily) “I love you” does not make a wife feel treasured. It takes much more. And if you truly treasure her, you will give much more. You will want to. We give much attention to what we treasure. We spend much money on what we desire. We expend much thought for what we love. We bestow much praise on what we esteem. Saying “I love you” once a day does not take much.

Consider Priolo’s list of specific ways to honor your wife. Evaluate yourself. On your next date, ask her to evaluate you.

Here are some of the complaints I have heard from wives:

  • “He’s a slob around the house. His stuff is everywhere. He cannot find the trash can, the hamper, or the toilet. He throws his jacket on the floor. He acts like our home is a junior high locker room with his belching and other bodily noises. My preferences for where dirty dishes go, when we eat dinner, whether the trash is removed from the main living area, or how the toilet seat is positioned are utterly unimportant to him.”
  • “He’s sarcastic and degrading when he speaks to me. He treats me like I’m not a real person. It’s nothing but criticism and finger-pointing.”
  • “He makes fun of me in front of our children. They all laugh at me. I am the butt of his jokes in front of my friends. He humiliates me.”
  • “He is a million miles away when I am talking to him. When I start to speak, he immediately gets that glazed look. I’m pretty sure he’s in another universe, or at least another state of consciousness. My friends care about what I have to say. My husband doesn’t.”
  • “He leaves everything in the home and with the kids to me, then he expects me to become a Greek scholar, pray for hours every day, take meals to every new mom, reach out to every needy woman, and fill every request that is made at church.”
  • “He makes decisions without the least concern about how they will impact me. He doesn’t seek my input. And when I do share my thoughts, he gets that glaze again, then goes on as if I had said nothing at all. My opinions don’t matter.”
  • “He has money for golf, iPhones, iPads, hunting trips, books, hiking gear, and anything he wants. But when I want a washing machine that actually works, he gets a used one and then complains about how much it costs to buy another one.”
  • “He constantly criticizes how I use my time and seem to get nothing done. But I don’t know what to do differently, what to change, what to cut out. It seems like too much. But he won’t help me. He just tells my how much of a failure I am.”
  • “If he ever really complimented me in front of others, I think I would faint.”
  • “He doesn’t care what others think about me. In fact, from what he says about me, I’m sure people think I am a lazy, inconsistent, time-wasting, money-spending chore.
  • “My kids talk back to me, yell at me, and speak sarcastically to me. He hears it, but doesn’t do anything about it. How can he? They learned it from him.”
  • “He’s gentle like sandpaper when he ‘corrects’ me.”
  • “He questions everything I do. He doubts my intent. It seems like he’s always looking for a reason to distrust me.”

Husband, if your wife feels any of these things, you aren’t treasuring her adequately. In that case, the first question you have to ask is, Do I treasure her? Do you? Do you recognize her value? Do you consider her God’s greatest earthly blessing to you? Do you marvel at how much she does to serve, bless, and please you?

Maybe looking at it this way will help put things into perspective: What would you lose if she died today?

I urge you to be intentional in treasuring, blessing, commending, and praising your wife. Make regular time to ponder how wonderful she is. Give thanks for her every day. Be specific about her worthy attributes and gifts to you. Regard her to be your highest earthly treasure and make her believe that she is. You will both be amazed at the results.

Next Week

Lord willing, we will continue next Thursday (April 21) with chapter 13. Please read it ahead of time, and come prepared to learn from others.

Your Turn

List examples of non-treasuring husbands that you have seen in others. Share your struggles. Share your successes. Share.

 

The Complete Husband, Chapter 11

Priolo hits another home run with this chapter. He addresses one of the great areas of disregard among husbands today. Many husbands do not understand their responsibilities in this area. Of those who do, few follow through. The subject is protecting our wives from others, from themselves, from sin, from any unbiblical way. Reflect on the contents of the chapter, then compare your faithfulness to do what is expected of you, then ask your wife whether she feels protected in these areas. It will be humbling for most husbands.

Summary

  1. It is your responsibility to protect your wife as Christ protects His bride.
  2. You must protect her from:
    • Dangerous friends and associates
    • Developing inordinate relationships
    • Bad theology
    • Assuming too many responsibilities
    • Embarrassment
    • Bad attitudes from the children
    • Not getting enough sleep
    • Eating too much
    • Dangerous places
    • Dangerous activities (TV, internet, DVDs, books, magazines, pastimes, etc.)
    • Dangerous music
    • Gossip
    • In-laws and relatives with bad attitudes
    • Feelings
    • Sinful habits
    • Sinful thoughts and desires
    • Inordinate (or idolatrous) desires
    • Materialism
    • Perfectionism
    • Legalism
    • Mysticism
    • Humanism
    • Feminism
  3. Guidelines for protecting your wife:
    1. Be sure that you properly love and understand her.
    2. Be certain that you explain the biblical basis for the danger you are trying to protect her from.
    3. If possible, help her find a biblical alternative to the hazard you’re attempting to remove from her life.
    4. Guard your heart against selfishly “protecting” her out of inordinate desire or sinful fear.

Personal Reflections

Whether from fear of their wives or unconscious adaptation of the feminist agenda or some other reason, many husbands today struggle to accept their role as protector. Now, there are some who think they are faithful, heroic even, as protectors because they work so hard to “protect” their wife from want. But earning a living is the easy part of protection; the stuff Priolo mentions in this chapter, that’s the hard part.

Are you afraid to tell your wife to break off a relationship with someone who is provoking sinful thoughts and behaviors in her? Are you unwilling to suggest to your wife that a book she is reading is planting harmful seeds in her mind? Do you see how she speaks harshly and impatiently with others, with your kids, or with you, but you say nothing about it? Do you observe how her emotions sweep her away into sinful interpretations of others or cross accusations against others or self-pity, and yet you just let her continue to go there? Do you sense that beneath her acerbic words there is deep pain and fear, but your fear of her reactions prevents you from seeking help? Do you witness laziness and neglect without ever addressing them constructively?

Let me ask another question. If you saw that she was about to put her hands into a pot of scalding water, would you be afraid to speak up? Of course not. And if asked why you would speak up, you would probably say that you love her and don’t want her to hurt herself. Any husband would do that. And yet, the majority of husbands I know stand idly by and watch their wives do things which have far greater consequences than second degree burns. Why would they do that? Because they don’t love their wives enough. It’s that simple.

Some husbands do see the destructive, sinful dangers that lurk all around their wife, but they convince themselves that they are helpless to do anything about it: “I wish she wouldn’t do that. Doesn’t she realize the impact that will have on her and others?” Such men need to remember that God gave his wife to him for the express purpose of helping her to realize the impact, and to help her stop doing it. She perpetuates because he abdicates. He vowed to be her protector, but now has become her neglector.

Two more things need reiteration. First, Priolo makes the extremely important point that this kind of protection must be in the context of love and humility. Your motives must be for her good, not for your relief. Second, if your wife is not a genuine believer, she probably will not want any of this. Those situations require godly counsel from elders and other wise men.

If you haven’t protected your wife from anything in the last three months, either you don’t know her well or you are a wimp. Both are your failures. Your wife needs your protection, and, if she truly desires to please Christ, she wants it. If you are a failure in this area of husbanding, the time is now to repent and make it right. You can have a tremendous effect upon her well-being, joy, and sanctification.

Next Week

Lord willing, we will continue next Thursday (April 14) with chapter 12. Please read it ahead of time, and come prepared to learn from others.

Your Turn

Do you have any thoughts to share? How have you failed? How did you overcome it? What have you observed in other marriages?

The Complete Husband, Chapter Ten (Sex)

We continue to work our way through The Complete Husband. If you are just joining us, clicking here will take you to the discussions of the previous chapters.

 

I love sex. I love to talk about it, and, for the last 18.5 years, it has been my favorite thing to do with my beautiful wife Krista. Most Christians, it seems, are afraid of sex. Many Christian husbands with whom I counsel are. That becomes clear the moment I bring it up. My prayer and hope are that this fantastic chapter from Lou Priolo will provoke you to talk about, pursue, and delight in sex with your wife like never before. There is much to be lost if you don’t, and much to be gained if you do.

Summary

  1. Sex with your wife is as honorable to God as reading the Bible or praying.
  2. The Bible is not prudish about sex. It speaks candidly, frequently, and erotically about sex.
  3. Sex is intended by God to be one of the most pleasurable experiences you can have in life.
  4. If you have sexual difficulties in your marriage, they are symptoms, not causes, of your problems.
  5. Many husbands (and this may be you) stop romancing their wife after marriage. By pursuing someone or something else, you are taking her for granted, and putting the temptation of adultery before her.
  6. Reviving sexual passion requires that you daily and regularly court your wife.
  7. Biblical principles of Sex:
    • Sexual relations within marriage are holy and good. God encourages relations and warns against their cessation.
    • Pleasure in sexual relations is not sinful but assumed.
    • Sexual pleasure is to be regulated by the principle that one’s sexuality is not to be self-oriented (“rights” over one’s own body are given in marriage to the other party).
    • Sexual relations are to be regular and continuous.
    • The principle of satisfaction means that each party is to provide sexual enjoyment (which is “due” him or her in marriage) as frequently as the other person requires.
    • In accordance with the principle of “rights,” there is to be no sexual bargaining between married persons.
    • Sexual relations are equal and reciprocal. Mutual stimulation, mutual initiation, mutual responsibility, and mutual active participation are expected.
  8. Questions to ask yourself:
    • Do you initiate sexual relations enough?
    • Do you resent the fact that your wife doesn’t initiate relations as often as you wish?
    • Are you uncomfortable when your wife initiates lovemaking?
    • How do you initiate sexual relations? Do you usually do so by making a verbal request?
    • Do you always use the same “canned” invitation?
    • Do you ever skip the routine invitation and try to arouse her romantically without using interrogatives, or any words at all?

Personal Reflections

Unless your wife is plagued by physical disability, effects of childhood abuse, or unbelief in Christ, the following statements are true:

  • If your sexual relationship is not passionate, pleasurable, and persistent, you are failing to be a godly, Christ-honoring husband to your wife.
  • If your sexual relationship is not exponentially better than your honeymoon, you are failing to be a good, Christ-honoring lover to your wife.
  • If your sexual relationship is not the most delightful regular experience of your life, you are missing the very joy intended by God to give you a taste of eternal life.
  • If your are unable to bring your wife immense, heaven-foreshadowing pleasure, you have a lot of work to do. Get to it!

 

God did not cause sex to feel so good merely because He likes us. He does like us, of course, but that’s not the ultimate reason. Nor was it the only way to get us to make babies. Like John Piper said, He could have made it so that we would get nauseous if we didn’t do it twice a week. It is intended to be exceedingly satisfying because it is a glimpse, a foretaste, a sensation specifically designed to feel a bit like our resurrected lives in our resurrected bodies with our resurrected Lord. Not that we are going to have sex with Jesus. (What a crass thought!) But the pleasures of intimacy, stroking and caressing, seeing each other’s nakedness, hearing expressions of delight, kissing soft lips, and orgasm were created by our heavenly Father so that we could have some sense of the pleasure that awaits us in the next age with Him. This is why the Bible uses marriage and the wedding night as one of the metaphors for our relationship with Christ. When He returns to claim His bride, we begin our eternal marriage to our Husband. Every sexual experience now is intended to create wonder, excitement, and anticipation for then. However, based on the sex lives of many Christians, one would think that our relationship with Jesus will be occasional, unimpressive, and mostly frustrating.

We also know that sex is supposed to be pleasurable because God gave the woman her clitoris. It has no other function in her body than to bring her physical delight. Husband, if you don’t know how to make that happen, you must learn. It’s a great way to study your wife! Unfortunately, many husbands don’t know how to spell ‘clitoris’, much less how to use it as God intended.

I am constantly amazed by how many husbands complain about their wife’s sexual unwillingness, but who have basically stopped all romantic and erotic pursuit of her. I hear from wives all the time that they would like to have sex more often, but he is rarely interested (which always makes me wonder if his disinterest is due to sinful satisfaction elsewhere). When I was first married, a wise man told me, “Doug, don’t ever stop chasing her around the bedroom.” I have followed that advice, and I can tell you firsthand that his words proved worthy of praise. Krista agrees.

Having said that, I must remind that simply pursuing your wife sexually, without employing all of the other things we have been learning in this book, will only create more frustration and rejection. She will feel used, taken for granted, and resentful. She will feel like a hired hand. She will be your cook, maid, nanny, and prostitute. She wants to feel like your wife. Sproul’s statement about women having affairs because “he made me feel like a woman again” is insightful. Ask your wife C.J. Mahaney’s penetrating question, “Do you feel more like a mom or a wife?” If her answer is not immediately wife, you have some serious work ahead of you. And one of the most salient ways to make a wife feel like a wife is to want, pursue, create, and set aside regular, special time for mutual sexual pleasure. It’s the one thing the two of you share that would be sin to share with anyone else. There are many things you may do with other women, but you may not make love to them. That is to be reserved for your wife. Does your lovemaking demonstrate a special bond between the two of you?

If you haven’t learned this already, let me inform you: if you pursue your wife’s sexual pleasure, if you learn her body, if you patiently, attentively, and intentionally work to make her feel amazing, if you explore her sexuality with the same care with which you explore your favorite hobby, sport, or work assignment, and if you delight in her erotic enjoyment, you will find that your own sexual experience will reach the highest possible gratification. Put simply, your greatest sexual experience will be in helping her achieve her greatest sexual experience. It’s an unparalleled win / win scenario. Trust me. It doesn’t get any better.

Make sex a priority. It takes work, time, effort, selflessness, and creativity. But it’s worth it. But you have to do it.

Here is a recommendation, a challenge, if you will, for all of you whose marriages are not in the significantly troubled category: Set aside the appropriate amount of time needed to carefully and slowly discuss every question in chapter 10 with your wife. Determine to make any necessary changes based upon her response. (For some, that may mean taking a shower more than once a week, using deodorant every day, and learning how to be more creative than “Wanna have sex now?”). And then initiate sex with your wife every day for the next three months, the only exceptions being for sickness or menstrual obstacles. For this challenge, no hobby, job, ministry, or home project will take up so much energy and time that you fail to make love to your wife. You will make loving her your highest priority for 90 days. I would be willing to bet that for most of you, the results will blow your mind.

What is sadly ironic about this challenge is that it will show how lazy, selfish, and hypocritical many husbands are. If I asked most husbands, “Would you like to have sex every day for the next three months?” they would respond like a child being offered limitless candy. Yet many of those same husbands are unwilling to make the effort, even if their wife invites it. Their complaints should only be directed toward themselves.

One more suggestion, men. Get to know your wife’s cycle. For example, shortly after her period ends, her body shifts into “I want it now!” mode. By God’s genius design, this is when she is most fertile. That means that her best, most fulfilling sexual potential occurs during those days. Make the most of it. Shortly before her period starts, her hormones shift into chaotic, random, I-don’t-know-why-I-am-upset-but-I’ll-make-up-something-and-probably-blame-you mode. During those days, she needs extra love, compassion, kindness, and attention. And chocolate. Her sexual experience can still be quite good, but it will take more effort from you. Make the effort, for both your sakes. If you get huffy, pouty, or out of town, rather than pursuing her, she will feel abandoned, unloved, neglected, and insecure. She can feel like a woman and a wife, if you will be a man and a husband.

I could go on and on about sex. It’s one of the church’s most neglected topics. And like I said, it’s one of my favorite topics. Krista and I have spent a lot of time investing in our sexual relationship. We can speak firsthand about the incomparably satisfying pleasure it brings to our marriage. Constantly. But the last thing I will say to you husbands is that if you are not learning how to experience such incomparable satisfaction with your wife because you are experiencing satisfaction with your computer, you are a fool, a hypocrite, and a disgrace to the consummate Husband. Repent now and seek sexual pleasure with your wife, and only with her. The reality is far more satisfying than the fictitious.

Next Week

Lord willing, we will continue next Thursday (April 7) with chapter 11. Please read it ahead of time, and come prepared to learn from others.

Your Turn

Men are often reluctant to talk about sex. We shouldn’t be. God isn’t. Your questions may find helpful answers; your thoughts may encourage others. Please share them in the comments.

 

The Complete Husband, Chapter 9

(I apologize for not getting to this last week. My best-laid plans do not always come to reality. Some of you probably wish we could skip this chapter altogether, but no . . . .)

Most Christian husbands fail to actively work for the sanctification of their wives. They may take them to church every Sunday, but that is insufficient. They usually see sin in their wives, but either ignore it or point it out only when frustrated and personally offended by it. This chapter exposes the sin of husbands who neglect this crucial role of headship. Husband, I urge you to take this seriously and to repent if you have failed your wife and your Lord in this area.

 

Summary

  1. As the Christ-represtenative, husbands are responsible to sanctify their wives like Jesus does for His bride.
  2. One of the chief means of sanctification is the Word of God (yet many husbands neglect to “wash their wives with the word”). You must use the Scriptures to teach, train, convict, and encourage your wife toward greater righteousness.
  3. Sanctification requires more than simply confessing sin and asking God for help. We must “put off” bad habits and “put on” righteous behavior. Overcoming sin is hard work. It’s a struggle. You are expected to help your wife do this hard work in her life.
  4. As your helpmate, your wife may also help you to be a better Christian. Don’t be threatened by, or arrogant toward, her counsel.
  5. Even if your wife has a greater knowledge of the Bible than you, the responsibility to lead in Spiritual things is still given to you.
  6. It’s probably not your knowledge that has kept you from leading your wife in Bible study, but your initiative.
  7. How you may sanctify your wife:
  • Be sure that your wife has enough time in her daily schedule for personal Bible study and prayer. This may involve getting up earlier or rearranging your schedule so that you can watch the children during this time.
  • Spend time with her regularly(at least once a week) in Bible study.
  • Encourage her to ask you for help in answering any questions she may have about Bible doctrine or application.
  • Ask her to memorize a portion of Scripture together with you and to hold one another accountable.
  • Make and explain your decisions on the basis of Scripture.
  • Commend her for any and all biblical character traits which she possesses (reverence, self-control, discretion, love, joy, peace, etc.).
  • Make every effort to provide her with valid scriptural reasons when you can’t give her what she wants (explain those reasons to her).
  • Be alert to even the smallest indications of spiritual growth and maturity in her and praise her for them.
  • Be certain that you never criticize (reprove) her other than on scriptural grounds, encouraging her to do the same with you.
  • Learn how to restore her, in accordance with such passages as Matt. 18:15; Lk. 17:3; and Gal. 6:1, when she does sin.
  • Encourage her to be faithful in her attendance at church, where she can sit under the faithful preaching and teaching of the Word. Set a good example of faithfully attending yourself.
  • Encourage other opportunities she may have to study the Scriptures (individually or with others).
  • Provide scripturally based music for her to enjoy when at home or in the car.
  • Learn how to relate the Scriptures to life and life to the Scriptures. Talk of them in the milieu of every day life.
  • If your wife enjoys reading, invest in biblically sound books (and Christian biographies).
  • Make the dinner hour an enjoyable time of discussing Biblical truth and personal applications of Scripture.
  • Determine which areas in her life she desires to change most and why she desires to change them. Use these areas as spring-boards to search the Scriptures together for God’s answers (be sure you also tell your wife the changes you’d like to see in your own life and seek her assistance and prayers).

 

Personal Reflections

As I alluded to at the beginning, I have found that most husbands do not understand their responsibility to sanctify their wife. However, in some cases, the understanding is there but the willingness is not. Fear of her, fear of rejection, or fear of conflict are more important than pleasing Christ. The result is that husbands disappoint their Savior and wives miss out on Christ-given opportunities to become more righteous. Moreover, the opportunity for a much better marriage is missed. A more righteous wife equals a better wife, which equals a better, more satisfying, marriage for both of you.

Husband, one day you are going to stand before Christ and He is going to ask something like, “My brother, I entrusted your wife into your care. My desire and expectation was that you would work hard to teach her My commands, know her temptations and help her defeat them, encourage her to love Me and serve Me faithfully. Generally, I expected you to make her the most beautiful woman, on the inside, that she could possibly be. How did you do?” What you don’t want to say is, “My Lord, I was afraid she wouldn’t like me meddling in her life like that” or “She’s not the kind of person to take instruction very well” or “I tried, but . . . ” or “I didn’t think I could do that” or “I thought that would seem pretentious or arrogant if I attempted that” or “I didn’t know how” or “I didn’t have time” or any other excuse we tend to use. Failure to sanctify your wife is failure to obey Jesus. It’s that simple. Now, if you genuinely, faithfully, and proactively pursue her sanctification and she resists it, then the Lord will be pleased with you. He knows that you cannot, ultimately, change her heart. Only the Spirit can do that. But it is your responsibility to do all that you can do.

I have labored hard to see Krista become more Christ-like. She doesn’t always like it in the moment. But if you ask her today, she will tell you she is thankful for it. By the grace of God, she has become a godly, mature, righteous woman. By the grace of God, I had something to do with that. The outcome is worth every ounce of energy.

Here are a few more questions for you:

  1. What is keeping you from leading your wife into greater righteousness?
  2. Does she understand that Christ expects this of you?
  3. Does she understand how beneficial it will be for her?
  4. In this, are you lazy? cowardly? uncaring? faithful?
  5. What does Christ think about your efforts so far?

If you want to dialogue about any of this, please share your thoughts in the comments.

 

Next Week

We will continue next Thursday (March 31) with chapter 10. It’s not too late to join us. You can purchase the book and catch up in plenty of time to benefit from it and join the discussion.

 

Your Turn

Please share what you took away from chapter 9, what convicted you, what comments you have that may help others. If you have questions or prayer requests, those are also welcome. We can use this as a means to edify one another, specifically in our roles as husbands.

 

The Complete Husband, Chapter 8

This week, we are considering chapter 8 of The Complete Husband by Lou Priolo. (If you are just joining us, you can read more of our discussion here.)

By the way, if you have some married friends who might benefit from this dialogue, tell them about it. Maybe they will join in and add some helpful comments as well.

 

Summary

In chapter 8, Priolo gives us some very good and challenging thoughts on how to please our wives. I wonder how many husbands never pause to actually think about pleasing their wife, as opposed to just doing it as life comes along, as time allows, or as the mood hits them. I hope this reading and discussion will help us do it on purpose.

The main points of chapter 8 are:

  1. There are times (such as in the midst of severe persecution) when it is better to remain single than to get married.
  2. Marriage pursuits must not keep you from your other biblical responsibilities.
  3. The Bible assumes that you will have your attention divided between pleasing Christ and pleasing your wife.
  4. You need to think about specific ways in which you can please your wife. The following questions may help:
    • In what ways do I please my wife before I please myself?
    • How do I alter my plans to “fit in with” those of my wife’s?
    • How do I conform myself to her likes and dislikes?
    • In what (non-sexual) ways do I satisfy my wife?
    • How can I “soften my heart” towards her in regard to her desires?
    • To what extent do the things I do meet with my wife’s approval?
    • What adaptations am I willing to make in my life in order to please her?
    • How do I accommodate myself to her wishes and desires?
  5. Investments to make in pleasing your wife:
    • Time. (Do you make extended time daily to have uninterrupted conversation with your wife?)
    • Effort. (Do you exert physical and mental energy learning about her likes and dislikes, her interests, dreams and desires?)
    • Thoughts. (How much of your spare thoughts are devoted to thinking about delighting her?)
  6. Have you left your “first love” with respect to your wife?
  7. When you don’t please your wife, it’s probably because you’re being selfish.
  8. Pleasing your wife involves bearing her burdens.
  9. Your motive for pleasing your wife should not be that it makes you happy, but for her good and edification.
  10. How pleasing your wife is for her good. How it builds her up:
    • It models genuine Christ-like sacrificial love to her which she can emulate.
    • It creates an environment around her that will make it easier for her to obey God.
    • It helps prevent her from becoming resentful of your selfishness.
  11. Usually when your wife initiates a course of conversation which leads to a conflict, it’s because she desires something that you’re not giving her, or somehow are preventing her from having.
  12. Two lists to keep for your wife:
    • Things That Are Important to My Wife
    • Things I can Do that Please My Wife

Personal Reflections

Those who know me well know that marriage is not my highest priority in life, Christ is. I love marriage and I love my wife because I love Christ. He is the one who gives marriage its sanctity. He is the one who gives marriage at all. Because marriage is a significant reflection of my love for Christ, it must be a significant part of my life. But, it must never become an idol. We must not love our wives or marital pleasure at the expense of loving Christ first. There are things in life besides marriage to which I must give attention if I am going to please my Lord. Having said that, my observation is that very few men make an idol out of marriage. For most of us, we sin against our Lord by failing to love, cherish, and please our wife to the degree that He requires.

Priolo gives several helpful lists in this chapter, as he has done in many of the previous sections. I must ask you again: Are you taking the time to actually use these blessings? Or, are you simply thinking, “Those are good. I’ll have to remember that,” as you put them into the never-to-see-again good intentions box in your brain. You are taking the time to read Priolo’s book and this blog. That is good, but it’s not enough. If you truly want to become a better husband, you have to do the hard detail work of thinking, writing, asking, pondering, and changing. These lists will help. The “Owner’s Manual” will help. (Remember that? Did you start it? Have you looked at it since chapter 2?) Actually becoming a better husband (rather than just reading about it and wanting to) will help more.

One convicting question Priolo asks is about how much of my spare thoughts are devoted to thinking about delighting my wife. For me, this seems to occur in seasons. I will go for a period of time being very creative, actively thinking about how I can make her smile. Then, I wake up one day and realize that it has been awhile. An interesting (and equally convicting) correlation I have found is that during the “creative delight” seasons, my expressions of love to her and my gracious interpretation of words from her are frequent and easy. During the neglectful seasons, I find it harder to remain loving, patient, kind, etc. Plus, I have far less grace for her. It seems that when I am intentional about loving Krista, I actually love her; when I am not intentional, I love myself more. Profound, huh?

Finally, I would urge every husband to give careful consideration to the big paragraph on page 151. If you can accomplish what Priolo is getting at there, you will find wonderful results.

 

Next Week

We will continue next Thursday (March 17) with chapter 9. It’s not too late to join us. You can purchase the book and catch up in plenty of time to benefit from it and join the discussion.

 

Your Turn

Please share what you took away from the chapter 8, what convicted you, what comments you have that may help others. If you have questions or prayer requests, those are also welcome. We can use this as a means to edify one another, specifically in our roles as husbands.