Sexual love does not get excited (in a bad way). It waits patiently. And in addition to being sinful, provocation actually works against getting what one wants. Erotic stimulation is responsive. What kind of response does irritation get? (“You are a lousy, disappointing lover!” “Oh Honey! Take me now!!!” . . . Yeah, it only works like that in Hollywood.) Selfless love, on the other hand, often provokes wonderful things in the long run.

If you allow yourself to become angry with your spouse over sexuality, you are almost assuring more frustration and less enjoyable sex. Oh, and, you’re not being loving. The Bible says so.

2. Physical Affection.

Your wife wants you to hold her hand, to hug her, to rest your hand on her thigh while driving, to stroke her hair and skin, to come up behind her at the sink and embrace, to give her back, shoulder, or feet rubs, and much more. She wants to be touched. With the rare exception of those who have been traumatized by abusers, a wife desires to be in regular contact with her husband’s body.

Every woman is different, so you have to learn where and how your wife enjoys being touched. But continual caressing expresses your desire to be near her. Touching is intimate, usually reserved for those we trust and want to be close to. Show her often how much you want to be close to her.

We are talking about touching without obvious sexual intent. Sometimes, she wants to be touched in a way that says, “I love you, and I just want to be with you and by you and touching you,” rather than “Can we have sex now?” If you only touch her in bed or when you are wanting to go to bed, she will feel used, not loved. On the other hand, frequent non-sexual touching often leads to frequent sexual touching. It’s one of the beautiful paradoxes of marriage.

1. Discuss together how physically affectionate your parents were in the home and in public.
2. Wife, describe the kinds of physical affection that you like and why.
3. Husband, what would cause you not to want to touch your wife? Why?

What did that look like, you wonder? It meant speaking to my husband however I wanted. It meant not doing things I knew I should be doing. It meant not guarding (read not controlling) my mind or tongue or actions. Basically, it was selfishness unrestrained. You can imagine how ugly that got.

We all know it takes work to overcome sin. We have to exert effort (sometimes a lot) to put others before ourselves because our natural tendency is to be selfish. Our flesh makes it easy to sin. Especially in marriage, when the opportunities for selfishness can abound, it’s hard.

I’m not trying to say it’s all drudgery. The benefits of marriage far outweigh the costs. But it’s not easy to always put your spouse’s needs and desires before your own. And there’s no “time off” from marriage.

Being “on” doesn’t mean being fake. At least it shouldn’t. As I now understand it, being “on” means loving and respecting and admiring my husband, meeting his needs and desires, and enjoying (almost) every minute of it. Praise the Lord that He has given us His Spirit to come alongside and to empower us to love, to encourage us when we fail, and to strengthen us for a lifetime of marriage.

When you chose your wife, you chose all other women not to be your wife. You chose to not love all others. You chose to not make love to all others. You chose to not be attracted to all others. You chose to not give your affection to all others. You chose to not see naked all others. You chose to not pursue all others. And you chose to not want all others.

So, there is no place for fantasizing, comparing, wishing, or interest in other woman. You made your choice and Jesus expects you to stick with it wholeheartedly, just like He does with you. This does not mean that marriage should be mere resignation or dutiful promise-keeping. But it is hard to enjoy your piece of pie if you keep looking around to compare it with what’s on other people’s plates.

You chose her. Now choose to be happy with your choice.

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Doug and I recently watched a video with Texas Ranger baseball player Josh Hamilton. (If you wish, you can watch it here. Be sure to play it out to the end. You won’t be disappointed.) It’s always refreshing (and I’ll admit relieving) to see an athlete, a good athlete, talk about his faith with ease and sincerity. It truly comes across as “my faith, it’s why I’m successful, my day-to-day walk with the Lord and the empowerment of His Spirit, it’s why I do what I do.” It’s humble, without agenda, not presumptuous. It’s as if he would say the same thing if he were only an accountant or a brick mason, not a major league baseball player.

Do you know people whose marriage is on display, whose good marriage is out there for all to see? People who occasionally manage to hit four home runs in a game like Hamilton did last week. Do they talk about it the same way he does? Does their faith explain the success of their marriage? Is it obvious?

Here at GDFM we talk about one of the purposes of marriage is to picture Christ’s love for the Church and the Church’s response. I think that’s mostly for the husband and wife. He knows how he is to love his wife by Christ’s example, and she knows how to respect and honor her husband as evidenced by the Church. But the world is watching your marriage. The picture you portray, on a much smaller scale, is just like a major league baseball player. Do they see the Lord behind the success of your marriage? Or not so much? Maybe it’s time to think about what the world sees.

As Krista and I move toward the start of our third decade together, one thing we have proven over and over and over again is that sex is at its best when we each are passionate about pleasing the other. We have also learned that this looks different for me than for her. Here is what I mean.

Self-seeking sex for a guy consists of things like:

• Wanting her to do_________ more or better
• Comparing her to others, real or imagined
• Growing frustrated for what sex is not
• Using her
• Manipulating her to do what she is uncomfortable doing
• Treating her like a failure

Self-seeking sex for a gal:

• Withholding sex from him
• Being unavailable and resistant
• Complaining about his sexual desire
• Lying there disengaged while he is “doing his thing”
• Using sex as a reward or punishment
• Refusing to grow, learn, and delight in sex with him

If these are examples of self-seeking sex, what does spouse-seeking sex look like? Here again, it is different. And I think the difference might greatly surprise some women.

Husband:

1. Cherish her outside the bedroom. This is the greatest and most-effiective way to seek her sexually. Daily romance, words of encouragement, grace, gifts, spiritual leadership, and kindness are the most important ways you can seek her pleasure in sex.
2. Convince her that you enjoy sex with her. If she feels like a failure or that she never satisfies you, she will lose heart. You may wish for better (great marriages dream), but you can be content now with what you have (great marriages are thankful).
3. Learn her body. Most new husbands know almost nothing about how she works (yes, that she). Many old husbands know less than new ones. Study. Retrain. Take notes. Learn.
4. Make it all about her. Make it special. Make it comfortable. Go where she wants to go. If she’s in the mood for adventure, try something new. If she’s feeling sad or tired, make it gentle and mostly about relationship. If she’s hormonal, pray! Don’t pressure her or assume she is just like you. Learn how to bless her.

Wife (this may seem odd to some of you):

1. Be enthusiastic in the bedroom. This is the most important way you can seek him sexually. His pleasure is directly correlated to how much you want to be doing it.
2. Pursue your own pleasure. This is the irony of being a woman. (Okay, one of them.) He will be most excited and fulfilled when you strive for sexual pleasure, adventure, and orgasm. This is the enthusiasm he wants to see. Yes, I’m telling you to seek your own erotic pleasure as the best way to seek your husband sexually. (Awful, isn’t it? Told you it was ironic.) Don’t believe me? Ask him.
3. Be willing to try new things. This is also part of being enthusiastic about sex. It shows interest. It shows that you are thinking about it. It shows that you want to be doing this with him.
4. Learn his body and desires. Don’t assume you already know. Don’t get into ruts and mere routines. Find new ways to make him feel great. Overcome your inhibitions and resistance so you can bless him in special ways.

If you both pursue these things, you will experience the incomparable results of love.

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One night a few years ago, I posed the following question to my bride, “What are the top ten things a typical wife wants?” Without a moment’s hesitation she listed them off. I took notes. Then I investigated further with the help of the all-knowing Google. Lastly, I asked the opinions of other wives who corroborated Krista’s original list. Husband, I suggest you take some time to learn (memorize?) the list and see how you can provide each item for your wife. Strive to love your wife in each of these areas.

Top Ten Things a Wife Wants:

1. Conversation/Listening Ear

Your wife wants to talk with you, not just at you. She wants to discuss her thoughts, activities, desires, fears, experiences, and curiosities. And she wants to hear yours. During your engagement, as you were trying to win her affections, you had plenty to talk about. If you want to keep (or get back) her affections, find plenty more now.

As mentioned earlier, the way we get to know someone is by talking together. Your wife desires to be known by you. And as we will see later in 1 Peter 3, you are commanded to know her. It will only happen if you talk. A lot.

Your task is to plan regular time for conversation. You will also need to plan topics of conversation if you want to go beyond the very superficial (which you must if you intend to really know one another). Creative and effective question-asking is an art that you will need to learn and hone in order to satisfy this craving of your wife.

You will also need to master the art of listening. I mean really listening, as opposed to the occasional nod and random “Uh huh,” as your mind wanders to a land far, far away. She knows when your mind drifts. You’re not fooling her. And it’s rude. It tells her that she is not worth your time, that something else is more valuable to you. On the other hand, listening well—remembering what she says, interacting with what she says, and acting on what she says—says to her that you do cherish and love her. Remember, a cherished wife wants to please her husband. So expend great effort to maintain a vibrant and frequent talking relationship.

You will likely encounter many obstacles and challenges to regular meaningful conversations. You may find yourself too busy (translation: other things have become more important than your wife). You may find your wife uninteresting and you have nothing to say (translation: you have let the relationship dissolve). Or perhaps other relationships or pursuits excite you more. And, the one that plagues us all, you will become selfish.

How do you do it?

These, and more, emerge as life endures, but there are ways to avoid them (or at least minimize their impact). Work toward the following preventions and solutions:

• Keep less important activities from your schedule. If you engage in other things at the expense of regular conversations together, the cost is too high. Adjust your calendars accordingly.
• Look for admirable qualities and abilities in her. They exist now, and will increase over the years. Notice them and tell her you noticed. (Also good is telling others in her hearing.)
• Plan for regular times of conversation. Meals, dates, car rides, walks, etc., should be intentionally incorporated into your weekly routine and used for talking together. If you truly have nothing to say to your wife, you are in trouble.
• Do not pursue “dangerous” relationships. Any association with friends, family, or others which detracts or distracts from your wife is dangerous. Let them go and pursue her.
• Regularly pray for a selfless heart toward your wife. When you love yourself more than her, only the Spirit of God can help. Seek Him.

1. Wife, explain why you enjoy talking with him.
2. Wife, does he ever ignore you or “tune you out” while you are talking? If so, describe an example for him and tell him how you feel when he does that.
3. Discuss together the potential obstacles and challenges listed above, along with the potential solutions.
4. Wife, rate (1 to 10) your conversation satisfaction. Graciously explain how it could be improved for you.
5. Husband, what schedule changes can you make to create more discussion time?

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Trust and belief are closely related to each other. And both are equally important between husband and wife. Wives, do you believe your husband? Or better, do you believe his words? When he says, “I think you’re beautiful,” do you rehearse in your mind how you think you’re not? When he enjoys looking at your body and hints at intimacy later, do you think, “He says he likes my body, but we both know I need to lose ten pounds.” Or when he compliments what you’re wearing, do you think of it merely as his husbandly obligation? Is it remotely possible that his sentiments are sincere? That he really does (still) find you physically attractive (even after a couple of kids)? That you still turn him on sexually? Could he actually be committed to only looking at you and not comparing you to some worldly, unrealistic standard? Maybe, in his eyes, you really are the most beautiful woman in the world. And honestly, shouldn’t his opinion really be all that matters?

Just like refusing to trust a husband with pure motives is insulting to him, not believing his words can be damaging to your relationship. For most wives, though, I think this isn’t a conscious disbelief, especially Christian wives who have been taught that outward beauty should come second to inward beauty, if it’s to be pursued at all. It’s not as though we defiantly chose to disbelieve our husband’s words. Most likely we simply dismiss them, and often because we just don’t agree. The world has taught us that our image doesn’t match up to the expected standard. So, knowing that the world wouldn’t call us beautiful, it’s hard for us to imagine that anyone would.

Ah, but here’s where the choice comes in. Here’s where a conscious effort to believe our husband’s words can make all the difference. Choose to believe your husband when he compliments you and tells you that you’re beautiful. Accept your husband’s love and cherishing. It’s like accepting any other gift he gives. You wouldn’t brush away a bouquet of roses or a diamond necklace, would you? You’d throw your arms around his neck and gush. Respond the same way when he bestows loving words on you, and you’ll both be encouraged.

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Every woman wants to believe that she is a lovely person inside. Tell her.

Study her strongest character traits and describe them to her.

Encourage her efforts to please Christ and bless others.

Highlight her hard work as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, ministry servant, etc.

Draw attention to your observations of how the fruit of the Spirit shows and grows in her life.

Be thankful to be her friend, companion, and life-partner. Then tell her about it.

Affirm the many ways she blesses you.

Open your mouth and tell her of her inward beauty.

Man Up!

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There are so many ways to bless your husband, ladies. We often instantly go to the sexual aspect, but our men desire other forms of affection and love, too. Let’s take the laundry, for example. It may seem like your guy takes clean socks and underwear for granted, but unless he does his own, doing the laundry is loving your man. It’s what I like to call practical love. It can also be demonstrated by keeping your bedroom as a haven for intimacy rather than the family dumping area when company is coming. Or having Cool Ranch Doritos (or Peanut Butter Panic ice cream) on hand at all times. See? These are simple things you can do to bless your husband. I’m sure you can think of others, but don’t stop at thinking about them. If you have been studying him, you’ll know what practical things will speak to him. And if you haven’t been doing them, get motivated today. Snag those soap suds and dryer sheets and get busy lovin’ on your man!