Wives, do you know where your husband most likes to be massaged? Do you know the places that relieve his tension? Or his tickle spots? Or the areas that most turn him on?

Husbands, do you know these places on your wife? Do you know how to relax her? Do you know the places you touch that drive her crazy? Do you know what makes her purr?

This is part of studying your spouse, pursuing them, knowing and caring enough to learn about him and be a blessing to her.

If you already know these areas, when was the last time you used this knowledge to bless your spouse? Have you recently treated your husband to a half-hour back massage? Given your wife an evening foot rub after a long day? Taken more than 10 minutes together at bedtime to enjoy each other’s body? If it’s been a while, make plans to do it again soon. If you don’t know these areas, get studying!

Wives, do you have someone with whom you can share your marriage joys and struggles? Is there someone praying for you and your marriage? Do you have someone walking alongside you to challenge and exhort you? Someone to give you good ideas for blessing your husband and who will point you to the truth when you need it? I’m not talking about holy gossip — that sharing of complaints veiled as “prayer requests.” Or commiserating with someone about how you’d both change your husbands if you could. I mean a godly peer or older woman who you can trust to listen and be a good influence.

I recently met with a young lady in our church who did this for me. Funny, I met with her with the intention of being a blessing and, as often happens, found myself blessed as well. During our conversation, we found that in some aspects we’d married very similar men. And being similar ourselves, we learned that we both struggle to be the wife our husband needs.

I left the meeting encouraged for several reasons.

• Sometimes it’s just nice to know that you’re not alone in your struggles. The revelation that, “Really? You struggle with that, too?” can be comforting. But it shouldn’t be left there.
• I was also encouraged to hear what and how God was teaching her, and what she was doing to improve in this area.
• I became motivated again to strive for excellence in being a wife.
• I was comforted to know that someone who can relate will be praying for me.
• And I now plan to check in with her periodically, to share ideas, to ask hard questions, and hope that she’ll do the same for me.

I encourage you to find this someone, if you haven’t already. It may be just what you need to give your marriage a boost. Pray about it. Listen to God’s leading. Ask her. But be warned — you may find yourself boosting someone else’s marriage as well.

Husband:

Make time for kissing. You take the lead to ensure that you and your wife spend extended, unhurried time kissing. Sitting on the sofa, delayed at a stop light, lingering in the kitchen, during commercials, doing whatever, make kissing a priority. Especially before lovemaking, kiss for a long time with no other touching.

Wife:

Pick out a feature of your husband (physical attribute or character trait), choose to find it desirable and attractive, then express your attraction to him. Make a week of it.

Last Saturday, we were watching figure skating. (Actually, Krista and the girls were watching, Gabe and I were mocking.) At one point, Kenny G began performing. Krista asked me if he was playing a soprano sax. One of the kids heard something else and the conversation went like this:

Child: “Soprano sex? Did you say soprano sex?”

Krista: “No, sax…soprano sax!”

Child: ”Oh! ‘Cause sax is not sex. Sex is way different. They are not the same at all…”

[Pause for a few moments]

Child: “…Sax is not the same as sex. They are not the same at all.”

[Doug and Krista look at each other across the room, trying not to draw attention to their restrained smiles, thinking, Nope! Not the same at all.]

In Ephesians 5:21-24, the first command given regarding marriage is that wives must submit to their husbands. I can hear the drums pounding off in the distance. The mood has intensified. The light has dimmed. The ground is pulsating beneath my chair as they march. It’s the orcs coming to destroy me for daring to even utter the word submission. It’s worse than predestination, more repugnant than hell. It has to be a mistake. God would never put that word in the Bible. Surely the Greek has been twisted and distorted by some medieval chauvinistic scholar who hated his mother. It’s degrading! It’s hate-speech! It’s inhumane! Paul hates women! (No wonder he didn’t have a wife. He would have never been brave enough to suggest such a thing if he were married!)

Okay, so maybe I’m laying it on a little thick. But, there are those who get this fired up and more so at the thought of a woman being told to submit to her husband. Nevertheless, we who love Christ must submit to His will regardless of what others think or say.

Let’s define our terms. The Greek word for submission (‘subjection’ is a synonym) is hupotasso. It is a compound word with the root (tasso) meaning “to put or to place” and the prefix (hupo) meaning “under.” Therefore, ‘submit’ is “to put or place under.” The voice is passive which means that the woman is to be placed under. She is to place herself under the authority of her husband. It is her decision, a permanent decision.

The command of 5:22 is, “Wives be placed under the authority of your husbands.” This is not good advice or a good suggestion. It is a command. This is what must happen in a marriage. Wives must place themselves below their husbands with respect to authority.

Now, contrary to modern, humanistic opinion, there is nothing inherently undignified about being in submission to someone else. The Scripture says that Jesus Himself submitted to Mary and Joseph when He was a boy (Luke 2:51). Imagine that! The Son of God placing Himself under the authority of sinful humans. (And without a single cry of protest.) Later, Jesus openly testified that He was under the authority of His heavenly Father and sought only to do His will. He was not thereby inferior merely by having God the Father calling the shots. Furthermore, in 1 Corinthians 15:28, the Son Himself, the glorified Messiah, Ruler of Heaven and Earth, will be subjected to the Father. It’s the same word used here to describe wives. Jesus will be placed under the authority of God the Father, and in that subjugation He will not lose one iota of worth, dignity, or even deity. Being under a higher authority does not make a person a lower form of being, it simply makes him or her under authority. A wife is of equal dignity and worth as her husband, but she is under his authority.

Also note that wives are not commanded to be submissive to all husbands, but to their own. My wife does not have to obey every man that comes along and gives her orders. She has not placed herself under them, but under me. She is not Krista Johnson or Krista Williams or even Krista Goodwin. She is Krista Goodin. She has taken my name and has pledged her obedience to me alone.

To submit is to obey. That is what it means for a wife to place herself under her husband. Her obedience is “as to the Lord” (Eph. 5:22). Notice the little word as again. A wife’s submission to her husband should be analogous to her submission to the Lord. Now, obviously her husband is not the Lord, and she should not worship him. Nevertheless, the command is plain—a wife is to obey her husband as she would Christ.

1. Wife, define submission. Explain to your husband what you understand it to mean biblically.
2. Discuss together how well or poorly your mothers submit to your fathers.
3. Wife, what do you find most difficult in submitting to your husband? Why? Tell him about it.
4. Wife, does submission provoke emotion inside you (fear, anger, jealousy, doubt)? Explain.
5. Why is submission not the same as helplessness, weakness, or inferiority?
6. Husband, describe examples of how she does submit to you.

I recently skimmed through a book on marriage that a friend asked me to read. It was a book written to wives (and potential wives) about being a wife. The author suggested that some husbands are designed to serve others, and in order to keep this from frustrating his wife, she should have her own pursuits so that she doesn’t just sit around idle and unproductive. I had issues with this for several reasons.

First of all, why not suggest that the wife come alongside her husband and join him in his service to others. I realize that this isn’t always possible, but I believe it should be where she first turns her attention (certainly over pursuing something totally unrelated). A wife was created to help her husband in his pursuits, in whatever God has called him to do. That should be of first importance.

Second, regardless of whether or not she is able to directly assist him in his service, she should first be attending to serving him. For me, at least, that can easily occupy most of my time, as it includes everything from making our home a sanctuary for my husband to preparing food for our family and attending to our kids. All of which, by the way, are acts of service to my husband.

Further, what kind of a message does it send to her husband if she is pursuing her own agenda, intentionally apart from him? I’m not interested in you. I don’t care about your interests apart from me. You are not a priority to me. You are not enough to keep me occupied, productive, and satisfied.

And finally, what about simply turning her attention to studying him and learning him and knowing him. Or, if she isn’t able to physically come alongside him, she could certainly learn about his pursuits, become knowledgeable and educated in them, so that she can mentally and emotionally support him, and perhaps carry on an intelligent conversation about them.

Pursuing your own interests apart from your spouse isn’t going to bring the two of you closer together. (Duh. Sorry, it just seems that obvious to me.) And anything that isn’t bringing you closer is working to separate you. (There’s another duh, I know, but it needed to be stated.) This is not to say that a wife isn’t allowed to have her own interests and aspirations, but they should never replace or take priority over her role as a wife.

So, before I would encourage a wife to turn her attention elsewhere, I would first exhort her to pursue her husband. If he is sufficiently and adequately being satisfied, then they should decide together whether or not she has the time and energy for other diversions.

Krista, My Love,

Every day is Valentines’ Day for me. No, we don’t use things like cards, flowers, and candy to make every day special. And we don’t go out on a date every day. And we don’t plan unique treats for each other every day. There is a reason why we don’t, a very good reason. If we did those things every day, then no day would be special. But when I think about what Valentines Day is and represents, every day really is Valentine’s Day for me. Maybe this brief poem will explain what I mean:

You are uniquely mine, every day.

Your kisses are sweeter than wine, every day.

You draw my eyes, every day.

Your love becomes my prize, every day.

You fill my life with cheer, every day.

Your arms invite me to draw near, every day.

You give yourself to me, every day.

Your smile says you are happy, every day.

You work hard to bring me happiness, every day.

Your desire is for my intimate caress, every day.

You give me your romance, every day.

Your song stirs our bodies to dance, every day.

You love me true, every day.

I remember why I married you, every day.

Thank you for saying “yes”!

Love,

Doug

Do you have something special planned for Valentine’s Day? You should. It’s tomorrow.

For some, this is a big deal. Since their childhood, much has been done to celebrate this holiday. Heart-shaped cookies, boxes of chocolates, candy hearts that say Be Mine, flowers, everything pink and red and sparkly. For others, it’s not a big deal — it never has been. But now that they are married, it’s had to become a little bigger. Even if it’s as simple as a single red rose and a card, chances are their spouse will be expecting something.

So here’s my advice: Regardless of what you have planned, whether your expression of love is as big as a romantic get-away or little more than your daily reminder of affection for your sweetheart, be all there. Make it heart-felt, sincere. Even if you view Valentine’s Day as just another Hallmark holiday, take this culturally-mandated opportunity to verbally express your love and affection for your spouse. Maybe you don’t do it often enough. So start tomorrow. Just make sure it’s real . . . because your spouse will know if it isn’t.

After getting married, we had an active sex life and were attracted to each other, but our wrong sexual expectations caused a great deal of frustration. It was years before we finally understood—and began to respect—our differences.

But as we grew in these areas, we let go of our unrealistic expectations and saw our sexual intimacy and pleasure increase dramatically.

Read the entire article, it’s very good.

A friend recently invited me to lunch at a new restaurant. It’s a place I wouldn’t naturally gravitate toward. It’s ethnic, and to this all-American-burger-and-fries girl who didn’t try Chinese food until college (because Douglas made me), it’s a little scary. But my pride kept me from admitting to her that I’m a chicken, so I went online and found the menu. Thankfully, it included a glossary to explain unfamiliar terms. And as I looked over the different entrees, something strange happened. I started to get a little excited. Trying something new can be a little scary at first, but if you get over that, it can be fun!

So, when was the last time you tried something new — in the bedroom? And I don’t mean new wallpaper or a different bedspread. We all get into nice routines about how things work, who expects what, and we get comfortable. Maybe it’s time to shake things up a bit. Try a different time of day . . . or a different position . . . or a different location. Or get really spicy and try scented massage oils, body-temperature chocolate, or [fill in the blank with something you think is really spicy]!

Once you get over the “I could never do that” feeling, you may find yourself actually excited about it. Gals, with Valentine’s Day right around the corner, perhaps a good goal would be to surprise your man by trying something new.