Early in the Spirit-inspired love song known as Song of Solomon, there is an interchange that occurs virtually daily in every matrimonial relationship. See if you can pick it out of the following verses.
“Tell me, you whom my soul loves, where you pasture your flock, where you make it lie down at noon; for why should I be like one who veils herself beside the flocks of your companions?”
“If you do not know, O most beautiful among women, follow in the tracks of the flock, and pasture your young goats beside the shepherds’ tents“ (Song of Solomon 1:7-8).
Did you catch it? This is the poetic version of a wife asking, “How was work today, Honey?” Only something is amiss here because the man did not reply, “Fine,” as he flips his thumb along the display of his iPhone.
In this love song, the lover wants to know about her husband’s work. She is interested in his vocation. Furthermore, she refuses to be a mere bystander or casual acquaintance with respect to his job. She wants to have intimate knowledge of his skills and workplace. She is jealous of other women who know more details of his profession, and she scorns the thought of being no more than a far off observer of it. She wants to know more about him, and therefore more about his daily labors, than any other human being on the planet.
Wife take note: every man wants to be respected by his wife. And we desire to believe that our wife finds something attractive and fascinating about that to which we give so much of our time and energy. Men were created to work, and we long for our spouse to be the loudest cheerleader for our endeavors. But we don’t just want rah-rah and pompons, we yearn for a woman who shows sincere, earnest interest in, and admiration for, our work.
It seems that women too often resent their husband’s devotion to a job. Now, admittedly, some men seem to cherish their work more than their wife and thereby give cause to a woman’s resentment. But, assuming that a man is righteous in his devotion, his wife should appreciate his diligence. She should find his job a stimulus for affection. Indeed, the skill, provision, and proficiency that she observes in her man’s work should have an aphrodisiacal affect on her.
In the Song, he responds to her question by inviting her to go where the action is and see it for herself. He welcomes her to be involved in his work, to know what he does and how he does it. He is pleased with her interest.
Compare his response to the commonplace dialogue which will occur in thousands of homes across America this evening:
Wife: Hi, Honey, how was your day?
Husband: Fine.
Wife: (walking away) Dinner will be ready in 15 minutes.
Husband: Okay.
These few words communicate a lot. The husband hears the run-of-the-mill, ordinary, mostly meaningless greeting from his wife. It’s not much different than just “Hi.” Whether consciously or not, he doesn’t find any good reason to think that she cares about his work. So, he responds abruptly and blandly with “Fine.”
She hears, He doesn’t want me to be involved in this part of his life, the part which consumes so much of him. He will talk to his buddies for hours about his job, but all I get is “Fine.” It’s always just fine. So, she changes her attention and walks away.
Such indifference gives him further evidence that her initial inquiry was just a formality. How quickly she moves on. There’s no follow-up question, no genuine desire to know. (His buddies really want to know what he is doing and dealing with at the office).
He says, “Okay” which tells her that she was right. He is content to talk to the guys about his job, and use her for cooking, cleaning, and sex. (Too bad the guys can’t take care of those things, too!)
Both parties failed here. The wife needs to find more creative ways to inquire. “How was your day?” can become stale and routine. Although technically a question, it can be received as nothing more than a statement such as Hey! or What’s up? And, of course, when someone asks, What’s up? the expected response is, Nothing much. That’s how our culture works. It’s normal.
However, marriage always has to beware of normal becoming lifeless and tired. The wife ought to exert some effort in coming up with different ways to ask the question. She needs to continually add to her understanding of what goes on in his work. As she does, she can be more informed in her questions. For example, in the morning she could ask something like, “Is there anything at work today that you are particularly concerned about or excited about? How can I specifically pray for you today?” Then, of course, she should give some thought and prayer to it. When he returns home, she can ask about it.
Again, standard phrases should be avoided. “So, how was your meeting?” is not as good as, “Tell me about your meeting with John. Did it go as you expected it to?” And definitely communicate that you prayed for that meeting specifically (assuming you did). Ponder what concerned your husband, why it concerned him, and how he handled the situation. This will help you ask intelligent questions in the future when similar meetings are planned.
Conversely, the husband should not assume that just because the language is traditional the intent is necessarily disingenuous. If this woman is the love of his life, part of his own flesh, his covenant partner for as long as they both shall live, then why would he not want to share the details of his work? More than his friends, he should desire to experience everything in life with his wife. This includes his work. Now, there may be aspects of a job that another man can identify with more fully simply because he is a man. But this must not preclude us from allowing, or better inviting our wife to participate in regular knowledge of our vocation.
A man’s hesitance to discuss his job with his wife is not due to her inability to comprehend, but to his laziness and selfishness. Or, sometimes, because she really doesn’t care. Either way, the marriage lacks a vital component for intimacy and unity.
Wife, make it part of your routine to learn about your husband’s job. Convince him that you want to be part of it. And find non-routine ways to express it. Husband, tell her about it. Include her in your work. Allow her the privilege of being part of this important part of who you are.
- Explain to each other how your mothers showed (or didn’t show) interest in your father’s work.
- Did your fathers seem excited to share their professional details with your mothers?
- Husband, rate your wife’s interest in your job. Describe your level of satisfaction.
- Wife, rate your husband’s willingness to include you in his “work life.”
- Wife, what can you do to increasingly appreciate the significance of your husband’s vocation?
- Husband, offer suggestions on how she can effectively express her appreciation and interest.
- Husband, how can you create and maintain a desire to share this important aspect of your life with your wife?
- Wife, express ways in which you would like to be more involved.
). Be specific and sincere. Knowing that you noticed and then affirmed his decision or action will mean more than you probably realize. A man is built up and spurred on to excellence especially by the good opinion of his wife.