We Were Made to Appreciate Beauty

Because of the obvious pitfalls surrounding it, discussion of the beauty of the human body is often avoided among Christians. We tend to think that any guy who notices another woman’s form must be lusting after her. It’s okay to observe how beautiful the bride’s dress is, but he’d better not admit to having noticed the body in the dress. And again, there is good reason for being careful in this area. Taking in the new car smell of my buddy’s recent purchase is fine for a few moments, but it can easily lead to coveting or discontentment toward the car God has blessed me with. Nevertheless, the Scripture is not shy in expressing the physical, bodily appeal of men and women:

When Abram entered Egypt, the Egyptians saw that [Sarai] was very beautiful (Genesis 12:14).

And it came about before he had finished speaking, that behold, Rebekah . . . came out with her jar on her shoulder. And the girl was very beautiful, a virgin . . . (Genesis 24:15-16).

When you go out to battle against your enemies, and the LORD your God delivers them into your hands, and you take them away captive, and you see among the captives a beautiful woman, and you desire to take her to be your wife . . . (Deuteronomy 21:10-11).

Now the man’s name was Nabal, and his wife’s name was Abigail. And the woman was intelligent and beautiful in appearance . . . (1 Samuel 25:3).

So [Jesse] sent and brought [David] in. Now he was ruddy, with beautiful eyes and a handsome appearance. And the LORD said, “Arise, anoint him; for this is he” (1 Samuel 16:12).

“Yes,” you say, “I grant that the Bible calls these men and women beautiful and handsome, but it is surely describing their faces. They had pretty eyes and charming smiles. There is nothing inappropriate in admiring a man’s fair countenance or a woman’s rosy red cheeks, but that is a far cry from noticing them from the neck down.”

Read on:

Leah’s eyes were weak, but Rachel was beautiful of form and face (Genesis 29:17, emphasis added).

So [Potiphar] left all that he had in Joseph’s charge . . . now Joseph was handsome in form and appearance (Genesis 39:6, emphasis added).

[Mordecai] was bringing up Hadassah, that is Esther, the daughter of his uncle, for she had neither father nor mother. The young woman had a beautiful figure and was lovely to look at (Esther 2:7, emphasis added).

And this is without a single reference to Song of Solomon!

The Bible acknowledges the objective good looks of shapely bodies, both of men and of women, and it does not shy away from the attraction that we have to them. Neither does it portray this attraction as inherently evil. We must guard our eyes and our minds so that we do not cross the line from looking to lusting, but we should not deny the natural appreciation of the human body that God has created us with.

Lovely, not lewd

Do not misinterpret me! None of the people described in these biblical texts were naked. I am in no way endorsing pornography or suggesting that it is okay so long as we are only “looking, but not lusting.” I am, however, trying to show that when a man notices a pretty woman, it does not make him the devil or a pervert.

Physical attraction is expected and good

Which brings up another point, and one that causes knots to form in my stomach as I think about it. I have two daughters. Some day each of them is likely to be approached by a young man who desires to marry them. Part of the reason these young men are going to be interested in marrying my daughters is the same as was mentioned in the Scriptures I quoted—they are going to view my daughters as having beautiful figures and being lovely to look at. The very fact that they will arrive at those conclusions proves that they have been looking at the figures of my daughters. Admittedly, my first instinct at such a notion is to locate my Louisville Slugger. But at the end of the day, this is utterly unrealistic. Not because all men are libido-driven hounds who cannot control their appetites, but because God has made us this way. Frankly, if a prospective husband told me he didn’t find my daughter physically attractive, I wouldn’t let them get married. Either he is a liar or he is going to make for a miserable husband.

There is a line that if crossed will send me searching for the baseball bat. But anything behind the line is good and natural to humanity. Christians ought to know where the line is because we know the One who drew it.

Husband, describe the physical features you find most attractive about her. Wife, do the same for him.
Now, reveal to the other what you find most attractive about yourself. (I know this can be a bit awkward, but do it anyway. Dare to be vulnerable with your lover.)
Wife, tell your husband how it makes you feel to know that he finds you physically attractive.
Husband, is it important that she finds you handsome? Explain it to her.

So Jerks Don’t Get Good Sex

From the Marriage Builder Weekly:

After getting married, we had an active sex life and were attracted to each other, but our wrong sexual expectations caused a great deal of frustration. It was years before we finally understood—and began to respect—our differences.

But as we grew in these areas, we let go of our unrealistic expectations and saw our sexual intimacy and pleasure increase dramatically.

Read the entire article, it’s very good.

It Takes Effort to Feel Like a Wife (Part 2)

To continue exploring how I encourage myself to feel like a wife . . .

I also have to look like a wife. No, you won’t always find me strolling through our home in sexy lingerie (although I’m sure my husband would be most pleased if I did). Especially having a son in the home, I have to keep modesty in mind. At the same time, I want my girls to see that I dress for their daddy. Even on the days when we’re hanging around the house, my lounge clothes are a bit sexy. No stained and hole-y sweats here. I know that (for me, at least) if I put a little effort into my appearance (for the purpose of pleasing my husband), I will feel more confident as a wife. So, cute lounge pants and an attractive top or slightly sexy pajamas fit the bill.

Most women take the time and make the effort before leaving the house to look decent (read “as opposed to having just rolled out of bed”). Getting “made up,” if only for my husband, helps me to remember who I’m looking good for. I want to be attractive for Doug because . . . well, I’m his wife. So, even if I’m not leaving the house, making that effort to look different than when I first got up in the morning makes me feel more like a wife.

Taking my husband’s preferences into account in this area also encourages me to keep the wife mindset. For example, in recent years, my hairstyle has gotten shorter and shorter . . . and easier and easier! I knew Doug liked it longer, but he was fine with my trying something new because he likes variety, so I tried different styles and colors. After a couple of years, he expressed that he liked it better longer. My first thought, “But it takes more work when it’s longer.” And then I realized that if I wanted to be attractive to my husband, I should take his desire into consideration. As it’s gotten longer, I’m loving it . . . and so is he! And I’m also loving the benefits of a desirous husband.

Caveat: Please understand, I don’t believe that functional and attractive are mutually exclusive. In fact, I strive for the best of both worlds. But if it comes down to one or the other, looking good for my guy will trump my desire for practicality every time.

It Takes Effort to Feel Like a Wife (Part 1)

In response to my article on feeling like a wife, one of our readers commented:

What do you do as a wife to contribute to this feeling of wifeliness? Are there specific ways you encourage yourself alongside Doug’s efforts?

As I pondered my response, I realized that it could possibly be a very long comment (hence this and subsequent posts). I also realized that my perpetual feelings of “wifeliness” aren’t entirely up to my husband. It takes effort on my part. And as I thought about how I “encourage myself” in this area, it was a good exercise for me to review and make sure that I continue doing these things. I hope these ideas are helpful to you.

First, I have to think of myself as a wife and that begins with knowing what it means to be a wife. What has Christ called me to do in this relationship? (If you’re uncertain or need a refresher, read my husband’s article here.) Simply, I am to be my husband’s helpmate. Thinking of myself as a wife means focusing first on my responsibilities to my husband. How can I help him? How can I serve him and meet his needs? By intentionally putting my husband first in our family, by putting his needs and desires above my own, by coming alongside him as his helper, by thinking of him as my leader and authority, these all affect how I see myself as a wife.

Am I always thinking of these things when he’s not around? Or when I’m schooling the children or cleaning the house? Not always, but often, because doing those things are ways that I am fulfilling my role as a wife. My husband has given me charge of our home and our children. He has entrusted me with these things that are precious to him. If I look at serving them as serving my husband, then I’m acting as his wife even when I’m wiping a snotty nose.

It helps to change my mindset from mother to wife before he gets home in the evening. If you’ve ever tried to do this on the fly (or as the garage door is going up), you know it’s pretty impossible. But if I begin thinking “I’m a wife” an hour or so before he walks in the door, it helps. Changing my appearance before his arrival (more on this in a later post) and preparing our home for this “most special of guests” definitely helps, too.

Sidenote: I’ve also trained our children to think this way. They’ve caught on by now, but I used to tell them we had to “get the house ready for company.” They’d get all excited wondering who was coming and jump right in helping straighten things up. Now they know it’s Doug, and they are equally excited wanting to prepare for him. And, naturally, their enthusiasm is contagious.

It’s easier once he’s home to have the wife mindset because of how he treats me, but I must continue to perpetuate it as the evening goes on. Thinking about being a wife before bed takes effort, too, like planning accordingly so I’m not too sleepy for “bedtime.” Getting in the mood sometimes takes a little while beforehand, as well as making myself attractive for the evening’s activities. These are all things that take forethought, continually viewing myself as a wife.

How (Not) to Prepare for an In-Date

So, your budget is a little tight this month. Or maybe childcare eluded you this week. Or perhaps it’s just time to do something a little different. As he is leaving for work, your husband announces, “We’re having an in-date tonight!”

How do you respond? Are you relieved that you don’t have to get all dolled up for date night this week? Are you disappointed because to you an in-date really isn’t a date? Do you decide to look forward to something new? Are you thrilled to just have a quiet evening at home with your guy?

Your attitude toward an in-date will determine how you prepare or how you don’t. If you’re excited about it, you shouldn’t prepare any differently than you do for a normal date night.

If, on the other hand, you’re not excited about it, here are some things you may be tempted to do, but shouldn’t — both for you sake and your husband’s.

You shouldn’t stay in the grungy old sweats you’ve been wearing all ~~day~~ week.
You shouldn’t assume that make-up is optional since you’re not leaving the house.
You shouldn’t skip taking a long hot bath (or even a quick shower) to get in the mood.
You shouldn’t be found making mac n cheese for the kids when your husband walks in the door.
You shouldn’t leave the house a wreck since a sitter isn’t coming over.
You shouldn’t forget all about this date until you hear the garage door opening.
You shouldn’t look at this date any differently than any other time that your husband plans to spend with you.

Be grateful, anticipate, and enjoy! Who knows what your guy has planned!

Ten Ways to Bless Him During the Holidays

The holiday season is upon us. A time that is supposed to bring good cheer often causes greater stress in our marriage. It doesn’t have to be that way. It’s a choice we make. In an effort to help wives make a better choice, I’ve listed ten practical suggestions for loving your husbands in the upcoming weeks.

Be more concerned with delighting him than with the details of cooking, cleaning, gifts, parties, extended family, etc.
Be genuinely joyful.
Be rested.
Be a more enthusiastic and romantic lover.
Be creative in your gift-giving.
Be gracious toward the things that take his time and attention away from you.
Be content.
Be kind to his family.
Be interested in his holiday thoughts, desires, dreams, and experiences.
Be peaceful.

A Pleasing Aroma

Wives, does your husband know when you walk into a room? Do you catch his eye? How about his . . . nose? It may seem a strange question, but this is one way a wife can be attractive to her husband — by her fragrance.

About six months ago, Doug took me perfume shopping. He figures that if he has to be close enough to be aware of my fragrance, he should have some say in it. And I’m glad that he does. I’d hate to pick a scent that I love only to find that he either can’t stand it or merely tolerates it. I want him to enjoy being close to me, and that includes my aroma aura. [Thankfully, we found one that we agree on!]

I also have very distinct lotion preferences. Doug always knows when I’ve had a lovely, relaxing, hot soak in the tub because I always use the same lotion. [And he likes that fragrance, too.]

Do you have a favorite scent, ladies? Does your husband recognize it? Does he like it, too?

I encourage you to explore this aspect of sensuality, of being attractive to your husband in this way. And whether he loves the delicate aroma of your favorite soap or something a little more spicy, use it to enhance your marriage!

God's Design for Marriage

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