Wife, Does Your Marriage Lie About Jesus?

Wife, if we were to use your marriage as the portrait of Jesus and His bride, what would we learn about the Church?

Would your marriage teach that sarcasm and criticism are appropriate ways for the Church to speak to Christ?
That the Church should strive to look good while others are watching, but with Christ she gets to “relax” and “let her guard down”?
That it is right and appropriate, at times, for the Church to order Christ around, acting as His authority?
That the Church is faithful to Christ in body, but her mind and heart belong to another?
That when Christ fails to do things the Church’s way, she should belittle him to all her friends?
That the Church is free to have unspoken expectations and be upset at Christ for not meeting them?
That the only way the Church will motivate Christ is by constantly nagging and complaining?
That the Church was captivated by Christ early on, but somewhere along He became less admirable?
That if the Church is in a bad mood or hormonal, she doesn’t have to treat Christ with kindness and respect?
That the Church has it okay, but Christ isn’t as good a husband as other men she knows?

Or . . .

That the Church has great reverence and admiration for Christ?
That the Church is grateful for the many things Christ does to show His love for her?
That because Christ is her head, the Church is careful to speak kindly and respectfully to and about Him?
That the Church loves Christ with all her heart, soul, strength, and mind?
That when Christ makes decisions, the Church accepts them with trust and patience?
That when the Church speaks of Christ, she is careful not to say anything that would tarnish His reputation?
That the Church’s primary goal is to bring glory to Christ and honor Him in private and in public?

Wife, a good marriage shows the world how much Christ loves the Church and how much the Church honors Christ. Do your part to paint an accurate picture.

Husband, go through the list and encourage your wife with how she is a good example of the Church’s relationship to Jesus.
Wife, go through the list and acknowledge where you think you need to improve.
Pray together about pleasing Jesus and accurately portraying His relationship to us.

How to Build Your Marriage on the Gospel

Below are four simple truths of our marriage. But don’t let their simplicity fool you. Their impact is profound. Because we believe, and live by, these gospel-principles, we know real joy and happiness in marriage. I commend them to everyone of you.

1. We look to Christ, not each other, for ultimate, joy-producing satisfaction.

Krista cannot meet my deepest needs. She cannot fulfill my greatest longings. She cannot be my all-in-all. Only Christ can do that. In fact, for me to seek them in her is idolatry. Jesus is my hope, my joy, my crown. He is life. Nor can I be life for Krista. She must look to her ultimate Husband for that.

To hijack a concept from C.S. Lewis, if we look to Christ for complete happiness, we get marriage thrown in. If we look to marriage for complete happiness, we get neither Christ nor a happy marriage. By finding my delight in Christ, I am free to be delighted by my wife. If I look to her for things that only Christ can provide, she will fail and I will be sorely disappointed. But Christ does not disappoint. If I am full in Him, I don’t need Krista to fill me. I am free to give to and love and enjoy her.

2. We strive to walk in the Spirit.

Krista and I are sinners. We are tempted to selfishness, harsh words, negligence, and a host of other joy-killing sins. But we believe God when He says that by His Spirit we can kill our sinful desires. We want to be sanctified for His sake. But we also recognize the benefits for marriage. As the Spirit produces His fruit in each of us, our marriage grows happier.

3. We recognize our own sins.

Arrogance is not good for relationships. If I think I am a walking paragon of virtue, I am likely to be intolerant of Krista’s shortcomings. But the more I recognize my own failures the less I demand of her. Admitting our sins keeps us humble and gracious. It motivates us to be forgiving and patient with each other. And sincerely believing in the grace of God shown to us at the cross creates joy and freedom, two things that do wonders for marriage.

4. We take seriously our call to represent Christ and His bride.

I truly desire to be Christ-like to Krista. I want her to know His love, protection, provision, sanctification, cherishing, and intimacy. She wants me to experience love, respect, admiration, loyalty, and companionship. Giving ourselves to these things yields all kinds of opportunities for happiness.

A marriage built on the gospel is built to last. But it includes more than just endurance, it brings a delight more lovely than any other human relationship. We know this from experience. The good news is that you can, too.

Question: In what other ways can the gospel impact a marriage. You can comment by clicking here.

5 Purposes of Marriage

The Scripture reveals (at least) five purposes for marriage: Providence, Procreation, Picture, Pleasure, and Purity. You may find others, but these prove foundational and essential to the conjugal objective. We will consider them in this order.

Providence derives from Latin and connotes foresight or concerned awareness of what’s coming. God exercises providence over His creation as He cares for, guides, rules, protects, builds upon, and organizes the world and all of its inhabitants. Thus, usually we regard providence as an attribute of God, not man. However, mankind is given a significant role to play in God’s cosmic care. Our responsibilities are explained at the beginning of the world, when God created everything including marriage:

Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. And God blessed them; and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” (Genesis 1:26-28)

The image of God

An important statement made repeatedly in this brief section is the fact that men and women were created in the image of God. There is some debate about what precisely image of God means because the Bible does not spell it out. But all agree that it is of great consequence. (Capital punishment for a murderer needs no other defense than that the life taken was made in God’s image, Gen. 9:6). Whatever else may be intended by this sublime designation, it includes the humans’ right and responsibility to rule:

“Let us make man in Our image…and let them rule over the fish of the sea…” (v26, emphasis mine).

Rule (Heb. radah) is used to describe the authority of a master over his slave (Lev. 25:43, 46), Solomon’s kingdom which extended over great distances (1 Kings 4:24), Solomon’s commanders who managed his workers as they constructed the Temple (1 Kings 5:16), and the future the reign of the Messiah from “sea to sea, and from the River to the ends of the earth” (Psa. 72:8). The same responsibility and authority contained in these texts are expressly granted to men and women over the earth.

In v28, another word is added—subdue. This Hebrew word (kabash) means “to bring into bondage.” It is used of Israel’s capture and control of the promised land (Num. 32:22, 29; Josh. 18:1), to describe all of the nations which David conquered (2 Sam. 8:11), and of sons and daughters of Israel being subjugated as slaves to their enemies (Neh. 5:4). God expects mankind to be ruling and subduing His creation.

Another passage which summarizes the sovereignty of mankind is Psalm 8:

What is man, that Thou dost take thought of him? And the son of man, that Thou dost care for him? Yet Thou hast made him a little lower than God, and dost crown him with glory and majesty! Thou dost make him to rule over the works of Thy hands; Thou hast put all things under his feet, all sheep and oxen, and also the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the fish of the sea, whatever passes through the paths of the seas. (vv. 4-8)

The care and governance God has entrusted to men extends to include the fish of the sea, birds of the air, cattle, all the earth, every creeping thing (Gen. 1:26, 28), the works of God’s hands, and all things (Psa. 8). Now that’s a lot of responsibility!

What does providence mean?
How does God exercise providence over His creation?
According to this study, what does it mean that humans are created in the image of God?
Do you rule and subdue? How? What does that look like in your life?
Discuss how marriage fits into God’s plan for mankind to rule and subdue the earth.
Describe some married couples you know who seem to partner together in exercising dominion of God’s world.

Why Sex (Part 1)?

Married sex is a gift of God intended to be an appetizer for the feast of eternal life.

Like everything else in the world (and in the Bible), sex is about Jesus. Now, there are two extremes to which we must not go with that thought. First, sex is not a spiritual metaphor of Christ’s love for the church in some gnostic, flesh-transcending way. This kind of thinking leads interpreters of Song of Songs to conclude that the wife’s two breasts are the old and new testaments. No, sex is about bodies and body parts. It’s earthy and sensuous. God created our bodies to feel, to spasm, to express pleasure. A wife’s breasts were made to serve both as a source of food for her baby and a source of fun for her husband. Sex is only godly and Christ-honoring if it involves the pursuit of a pulsating body’s responses to touch.

Second, we will not have sex with Jesus. We should not think of having sex with Jesus. What a crass thought. That’s not what the Bible intends when it compares our marriage to our relationship with Jesus.

What it does mean is that our sexual experiences as husband and wife should whet our appetites for the depth of pleasure that awaits us in the uninterrupted, unveiled presence of our Savior. When a husband and wife love each other, romance each other, trust each other, and delight each other, there are sexual moments which transcend all other human experiences. If it were possible to remain suspended in those ecstatic moments forever, without any decrease in pleasure, we would give anything to do it. That’s what it will be like to dwell with Christ in our glorified state. Actually, it will be better because rather than remaining suspended in ecstasy, each passing moment will be more pleasurable than the last. It’s Lewis’ “further up and further in.” Great sex is merely a nibble of the crumbs from the table of that banquet in which each bite will taste sweeter than the one before and where we will be always satisfied and never content.

Is your view of sex too spiritual, too complacent, or just about right? How would you assess your spouse’s view of sex?
Wife, do you think that it’s permissible to enjoy sexuality? Do you allow yourself to be sexual, to express what you experience during sex, to enjoy touch, to desire orgasm, to want intimacy, to be your own sexual person? Husband, do you believe she feels that sexual joy and expression are permissible?
Do either of you feel pressure to measure up to some arbitrary sexual standard (say, from Hollywood or other marriages or something you have created in your own mind)?

Marriage as God Intended

Marriage was not man’s idea, it was God’s. We didn’t invent it, and it’s not ours to adjust until it suits our desires. Our understanding and practice of marriage ought to be patterned after the intentions of the One who designed it. Our “I do!” must conform to His “You will!”

This is not to say that marriage was designed to be drudgery where a man and a woman force themselves to comply with the harsh rigors of the divine nuptial mandate, like it or not. No indeed! The Almighty’s aim for marriage is a relationship of unparalleled fulfillment, delight, pleasure, and achievement together because it is a picture of the relationship between Christ and His Bride, the Church. Any marriage which is accurately described as dull, passionless, belligerent, strained, or painful is a miserable example of a Christian marriage. Our Creator established this most blessed of relationships in order to grant us a taste of heaven here on earth. The wedding night is one of the biblical metaphors for the bliss we will experience when our Lord Jesus returns to consummate His kingdom. He will join with His Bride (the Church), and as they live together it will most definitely not be a boring, lifeless marriage. It will truly be “happily ever after.”

But the only way to realize these hopes is to do it God’s way. So, if you are going to build your marriage the way God intends, you need to study the blueprints. And, like everything else, they are found in His Word.

Your ambition must not be for a decent marriage. No, your sights must be set far higher. You should aim for the stars of marital rapture. The proverbial honeymoon period ought to be the low point of a marriage’s satisfaction because as we mature as Christians, and as our love for each other grows, the joy should intensify, not wane. Anyone who observes a Christian husband and wife together ought to find themselves aching for a similar experience of delight, fulfillment, and gratification.

As you observe other marriages, you may conclude that such marital joy is a rarity. Maybe so, but yours can be an exception if you work hard and pursue your relationship as God intended. The goal of this study is to transform your marriage into one that experiences its intended joy and fulfillment so that you may present an accurate picture of Christ and the Church, for His glory and your delight.

It’s time to talk. Discuss the following questions together. Out loud. Be gracious and honest. Remember, you are on the same team trying to accomplish the same thing—a Christ-honoring, joy-producing marriage. You are both sinners and have each contributed to any problems in your relationship, so don’t get defensive and don’t forget to be kind. (If your marriage is strong, these discussions may help it grow even stronger, so don’t neglect them.)

On the continuum between drudgery and unparalleled fulfillment, where would you put your marriage? Describe three things that would immediately move it closer to the fulfillment side. (Remember, speak with tender grace and receive with loving humility.)
In what ways have you tried to (re)make marriage according to your design, rather than God’s? In what ways does it seem like your spouse has done so?
Think back to your wedding day. Why did you want to get married? What were your expectations? How have they been met or not met or met differently than you anticipated?
Talk about two or three marriages you wish yours was like and why.
Talk about two or three that you’re glad yours isn’t like and why.
List three things you understand the Bible to teach regarding marriage. Look up the references and talk about them together.

When Your Husband Is Not Enough

Conversations from Ephesians . . .

In my recent post about sharing your husband, I pointed out that God created women with needs that husbands are designed to fill. However, not every need a woman has can be fulfilled by her husband. If a woman is seeking complete satisfaction in her husband, she is going to be sorely disappointed. For while a husband was designed to meet many of his wife’s needs, as a sinful man, he is going to fall short.

But there is a Man who is capable of meeting our needs. And He doesn’t disappoint. He never falls short. In fact, by knowing Him, wives can be satisfied completely.

In Ephesians 3, the apostle Paul shares how he prays fervently for believers that from the riches of God’s glory they would be . . . “filled up to all the fullness of God.” He explains that that filling takes place through faith in Christ by the power of His Holy Spirit. And somehow, knowing Christ enables us to comprehend the incomprehensible ~ His love.

It’s the love of Christ that fulfills the needs not met by our husbands.It’s His love that satisfies. Christ’s love is complete and whole and perfect, lacking nothing.

So, wives, still seek for your husband to meet your needs, the needs he can meet, but remember that Christ can and will “fill you up to all the fullness of God.”

The Question Every Wife Asks

Early in the Spirit-inspired love song known as Song of Solomon, there is an interchange that occurs virtually daily in every matrimonial relationship. See if you can pick it out of the following verses.

“Tell me, you whom my soul loves, where you pasture your flock, where you make it lie down at noon; for why should I be like one who veils herself beside the flocks of your companions?”

“If you do not know, O most beautiful among women, follow in the tracks of the flock, and pasture your young goats beside the shepherds’ tents“ (Song of Solomon 1:7-8).

Did you catch it? This is the poetic version of a wife asking, “How was work today, Honey?” Only something is amiss here because the man did not reply, “Fine,” as he flips his thumb along the display of his iPhone.

In this love song, the lover wants to know about her husband’s work. She is interested in his vocation. Furthermore, she refuses to be a mere bystander or casual acquaintance with respect to his job. She wants to have intimate knowledge of his skills and workplace. She is jealous of other women who know more details of his profession, and she scorns the thought of being no more than a far off observer of it. She wants to know more about him, and therefore more about his daily labors, than any other human being on the planet.

Wives, take note: every man wants to be respected by his wife. And we desire to believe that our wife finds something attractive and fascinating about that to which we give so much of our time and energy. Men were created to work, and we long for our spouse to be the loudest cheerleader for our endeavors. But we don’t just want rah-rah and pompons, we yearn for a woman who shows sincere, earnest interest in, and admiration for, our work.

God's Design for Marriage

Tag Archives: biblical theology