God's Design for Marriage

Tag Archives: blessing him

The Wife of Your Choosing

(This goes for wives, too, even though I’m writing to husbands.)

When you chose your wife, you chose all other women not to be your wife. You chose to not love all others. You chose to not make love to all others. You chose to not be attracted to all others. You chose to not give your affection to all others. You chose to not see naked all others. You chose to not pursue all others. And you chose to not want all others.

So, there is no place for fantasizing, comparing, wishing, or interest in other woman. You made your choice and Jesus expects you to stick with it wholeheartedly, just like He does with you. This does not mean that marriage should be mere resignation or dutiful promise-keeping. But it is hard to enjoy your piece of pie if you keep looking around to compare it with what’s on other people’s plates.

You chose her. Now choose to be happy with your choice.

Applying 1 Corinthians 13 to Sex: Self-Seeking

“Love is not self-seeking.” Or it could be, “Love does not seek things for itself.” How would your spouse’s experience be different if you applied this sexually?

As Krista and I move toward the start of our third decade together, one thing we have proven over and over and over again is that sex is at its best when we each are passionate about pleasing the other. We have also learned that this looks different for me than for her. Here is what I mean.

Self-seeking sex for a guy consists of things like:

  • Wanting her to do_________ more or better
  • Comparing her to others, real or imagined
  • Growing frustrated for what sex is not
  • Using her
  • Manipulating her to do what she is uncomfortable doing
  • Treating her like a failure

Self-seeking sex for a gal:

  • Withholding sex from him
  • Being unavailable and resistant
  • Complaining about his sexual desire
  • Lying there disengaged while he is “doing his thing”
  • Using sex as a reward or punishment
  • Refusing to grow, learn, and delight in sex with him

If these are examples of self-seeking sex, what does spouse-seeking sex look like? Here again, it is different. And I think the difference might greatly surprise some women.

Husband:

  1. Cherish her outside the bedroom. This is the greatest and most-effiective way to seek her sexually. Daily romance, words of encouragement, grace, gifts, spiritual leadership, and kindness are the most important ways you can seek her pleasure in sex.
  2. Convince her that you enjoy sex with her. If she feels like a failure or that she never satisfies you, she will lose heart. You may wish for better (great marriages dream), but you can be content now with what you have (great marriages are thankful).
  3. Learn her body. Most new husbands know almost nothing about how she works (yes, that she). Many old husbands know less than new ones. Study. Retrain. Take notes. Learn.
  4. Make it all about her. Make it special. Make it comfortable. Go where she wants to go. If she’s in the mood for adventure, try something new. If she’s feeling sad or tired, make it gentle and mostly about relationship. If she’s hormonal, pray! Don’t pressure her or assume she is just like you. Learn how to bless her.

Wife (this may seem odd to some of you):

  1. Be enthusiastic in the bedroom. This is the most important way you can seek him sexually. His pleasure is directly correlated to how much you want to be doing it.
  2. Pursue your own pleasure. This is the irony of being a woman. (Okay, one of them.) He will be most excited and fulfilled when you strive for sexual pleasure, adventure, and orgasm. This is the enthusiasm he wants to see. Yes, I’m telling you to seek your own erotic pleasure as the best way to seek your husband sexually. (Awful, isn’t it? Told you it was ironic.) Don’t believe me? Ask him.
  3. Be willing to try new things. This is also part of being enthusiastic about sex. It shows interest. It shows that you are thinking about it. It shows that you want to be doing this with him.
  4. Learn his body and desires. Don’t assume you already know. Don’t get into ruts and mere routines. Find new ways to make him feel great. Overcome your inhibitions and resistance so you can bless him in special ways.

If you both pursue these things, you will experience the incomparable results of love.

Is Laundry Loving?

© Fotokolosov | Stock Free Images & Dreamstime Stock Photos

There are so many ways to bless your husband, ladies. We often instantly go to the sexual aspect, but our men desire other forms of affection and love, too. Let’s take the laundry, for example. It may seem like your guy takes clean socks and underwear for granted, but unless he does his own, doing the laundry is loving your man. It’s what I like to call practical love. It can also be demonstrated by keeping your bedroom as a haven for intimacy rather than the family dumping area when company is coming. Or having Cool Ranch Doritos (or Peanut Butter Panic ice cream) on hand at all times. See? These are simple things you can do to bless your husband. I’m sure you can think of others, but don’t stop at thinking about them. If you have been studying him, you’ll know what practical things will speak to him. And if you haven’t been doing them, get motivated today. Snag those soap suds and dryer sheets and get busy lovin’ on your man! ;)

My Wife Returns

 

© Lawrencelong | Stock Free Images & Dreamstime Stock Photos

Krista comes home tonight!

She has been in St. Louis for a week helping my parents. I cannot wait.

She has trained my daughters so well that the household moves along smoothly without her. It’s not her work that I miss, it’s her.

I miss looking at her, smelling her, caressing her hair, sitting next to her, talking with her face to face. I miss her touch, her smile, her body.

Wives, I encourage you to be the kind of woman who is profoundly missed when you’re away. Husbands, be the kind of man who knows what he is missing.

Krista, the World’s Greatest Wife

I have the World’s Greatest Wife. Krista loves my parents. My elderly parents are moving into an independent living facility this weekend, and my wife is spending a week with them to help. She is boxing up their belongings, helping them buy furniture, driving them wherever they need to go, and coordinating movers to transport everything. Because she loves me, she is choosing to be a tremendous blessing to my mom and dad. I have the world’s greatest wife.

Applying 1 Corinthians 13 to Sex: Kindness

Love is kind.

Kindness is hard to define but easy to recognize. It’s the guy who held the door for you as you entered the restaurant. Or the clerk who gave all three of your kids a cookie when you only paid for one. Or the friend who took the time to write several paragraphs of carefully crafted words in a card…just because. We all know what it’s like to be treated with kindness.

Kind things are generous, gentle, and good. Now, let’s apply it to sex.

Generous. A sexually kind spouse gives their body in generous portions. He or she wants the other to leave the table satisfied and stuffed. Have you ever been a dinner guest where for dessert you received a pinky-sized sliver of cake with enough ice cream to fill half a thimble? And have you been to homes where you thought maybe they had given you half the cake, but you couldn’t be sure because of the mountain of ice cream and whipped cream and chocolate syrup and nuts that utterly smothered it? Which serving would you call generous? Which serving best compares to your sexual kindness to your spouse?

Gentle. We’re not concerned with pace and vigor here (sex should sometimes be closer to fast and furious). Sexual gentleness has more to do with attitude. Convey consideration and softness as opposed to insensitivity and abrasiveness. You should care about your partner’s experience. You should want him or her to feel your compassion through your touch and talk. Make your love and affection obvious with tenderness and tone. Think of the finest customer service you have encountered—you were treated like royalty, you were convinced that your happiness was their greatest concern, you were spoken to with respect, you left with head held high and smiling—make your spouse feel like that.

Good. The employees of Chick-Fil-A are exceptional. They are courteous. They speak politely. They respond to every “Thank you” with “My pleasure.” And they seem to be sincere. They make an impression. They get people talking (which is rare for fast-food attendants). But they would not leave a kind impression if they were inept. All the pleasantries in the world don’t make up for cold food delivered 20 minutes late or getting a sandwich when you ordered chicken strips. Courtesy without competence smacks of hypocrisy. The same is true in the bedroom. If you are sexually kind, you will work to make it good for your spouse. You will make an impression. You will make them wish they could openly talk to others about how competent you are.

Are you sexually kind? Do you love your spouse in an erotically 1 Corinthians 13 way?

Suggested Goals for the Week: April 2

[Hint: Don't read each other's, just do yours.]

 

Husband:

Plan a time for extended conversation. Ask her about the resurrection of Jesus. Ask what she expects life in the next age to be like. Ask what she thinks will be the best parts of living in resurrected bodies. Ask what helps her find joy and hope in the gospel. Then lead her in prayers of thanksgiving for forgiveness and eternal life.

 

 

Wife:

Plan a private “egg hunt” for just your husband on Saturday or Sunday. Fill plastic eggs with candy and expressions of love. Make sure that the final discovery includes a special treat from you.