Do It Together

Togetherness, camaraderie, fellowship, companionship. Is this an element in your marriage? It should be.

When God said that it was not good for man to be alone, it wasn’t only because Adam needed help. It was because he needed that bond, that closeness that comes with common experiences. He needed relationship. He needed someone to share life with.

As I was helping Doug’s parents relocate last weekend, I was aware that although they are both rapidly approaching their 90s, there are still things they enjoy doing together. If they can help it, they won’t miss watching a Cardinals baseball game. And they truly enjoy sitting in the living room with their morning coffee every day. It was sweet — and encouraging. After 64 years, they’re still not tired of being together.

Are there activities that you do regularly as a couple? Bible study? Exercise? Home remodeling projects perhaps? (They say this can either strengthen or truly challenge a marriage. ) Playing a favorite shared sport? Or watching and cheering on your favorite (or rival) teams? I’ve even heard that some couples successfully go grocery shopping together (shocking, I know). Doug and I enjoy writing this blog together. And we’ve recently taken up running. I think we both equally tolerate that activity, but at least we’re together!

I encourage you, if you haven’t already, to find something you enjoy doing as a couple. Maybe you even remember something you did together years ago and pick it up again. Spending that time together can truly strengthen your relationship, or, if necessary, even restore it.

Do You Love Your Spouse? Here’s a Test

Guys who love . . .

Guys who love college basketball make time to watch and keep up-to-date with the their favorite teams during March.

Guys who love working out or running make time to stay in shape.

Guys who love video games make time to play.

Guys who love reading and studying make time for their books.

Guys who love news and current events make time for internet surfing, blog reading, and Twitter perusing.

Guys make time for what they love.

Guys, do you love your wife?

Gals who love . . .

Gals who love their mom or sisters make time to stay in touch.

Gals who love their kids make time to teach, play with, and mother them.

Gals who love hobbies such as reading, watching movies, scrap-booking, etc., make time to do them.

Gals who love to keep up with friends make time for Facebook and emailing.

Gals who love their pets make time to nurture and enjoy them.

Gals make time for what they love.

Gals, do you love your husband?

The Pleasure of Intercourse (the Other Kind)

Getting to Know You . . .

One of the biblical metaphors for the sexual relationship between a man and his wife is that of knowing each other. For example, Genesis 4:1 says literally, “And the man knew his wife Eve, and she conceived and gave birth to Cain” (emphasis mine). Obviously, if all it took to conceive a child was for a man to know a woman, we would all be impregnating women all over the place. But this knowledge was of the most intimate kind, involving physical interaction as well as intellectual.

It is interesting (to me, at least) that the word intercourse is used almost exclusively today to refer to sex. However, in days gone by, it was used predominantly to describe the verbal exchange of ideas, thoughts, and feelings between people or groups. And, I would dare say that if husbands took the time to enjoy intercourse with their wives in the older sense of the word, they would be more than content with their enjoyment of it in the newer sense. We’ll get to the sexual pleasure of marriage in another post, but first let us consider the pleasure of conversation in marriage.

Intercourse-killers

In the extremely sad, but true category is the fact that husbands and wives spend relatively little time talking with one another. Oh, they talk at each other, and give briefings when necessary to keep the family machine running. But unhurried, prolonged conversations remain on the list of things that would be nice “if we had the time.” Or, they are trumped by the irresistible lure of the great intercourse-killers: TVs, computers, smart phones, iPads, and the like. It seems that the stuff coming out of these things is so much more interesting that than the stuff coming out of the hole in the lower part of their spouse’s face. Husbands and wives have been given the tasks of ruling the world, raising Christian children, cultivating a relationship of physical delight, protecting one another from the dangers of lust and infidelity, and painting a picture of Christ and the Church for the world to see. That’s a lot of work. How much better at it will we be if we actually talk to each other?

It wasn’t always that way. I don’t mean before the microchip, I mean earlier in their relationship, back before they were married when they couldn’t get enough of each other. Parting was such sweet sorrow. And the next encounter, even if planned for the next day, seemed like an eternity away.

Wife, on a scale of 1 to 10, how satisfied with the frequency of meaningful conversations between you and him? Where would you rate the quality of your conversations? Husband, you do the same.
Graciously explain to the other anything that appears to take priority over conversation. (In other words, what are the intercourse-killers that the other brings into the marriage?)
Express to the other things that you would like to discuss more often. Look at your weekly schedule and decide together where you can plan some quality talk time.

And the Two Shall Become One Flesh with Two Bank Accounts

“Honey, today I declare my love to you. I vow to be your wedded spouse, to have and to hold, for better or worse, till death parts us. I will share my life with you. I will share my hopes and dreams with you. I will share my heart and soul with you. I will even share my bed and body with you. But I will not share my money with you. If you’re good with that, then, ‘I do!’”

Or maybe it was, “I will let you see me naked, but when I enter my pin I’m going to need you to turn your head.”

I’m trying to figure out what the agreement was for those who got married in every way except economically. I’m talking about marriages that maintain separate bank accounts.

You’ve seen the unity candle ceremony at weddings: the two flames fuse into one so that you can no longer tell them apart. That’s the goal in marriage. But it’s an impossible goal if you refuse to share something so mundane as money.

Becoming “one flesh” means adding the most intimate and precious aspects of your lives together. Keeping your finances separate brings division (and division is not the same thing as addition, even in postmodern mathematics). Roommates have independent bank accounts. Siblings have independent bank accounts. Co-habitating fornicators have independent bank accounts. Husbands and wives should not.

An even greater concern is headship and submission. The husband is ultimately responsible for the financial stewardship of the home. And the wife is called to submit in all things. Unless I’m mistaken, money would be included in the word “all.” Neither spouse can fulfill their appropriate role if they refuse to be united with their money.

Jesus and His spouse are co-heirs of His inheritance. That’s the model for your marriage. What God has joined together, let no man separate. Put your money, budget your money, and spend your money together. That’s how married people do it.

When Sex Reaches Its Peak

During a premarital counseling discussion recently, I made the comment to the couple that their best sex was a decade or two down the road. The husband stared incredulously. His jaw literally dropped. He was speechless. Finally, he responded with statements of doubt, inquiry, even challenge. He was convinced that his acute ability to learn, coupled with his profound love for his soon-to-be wife, would give him an edge over my statistic. He would be an expert lover in no time.

What we explained to them was that the greatest joy of sex is not simply a matter of technique and anatomy. While technical skill is important, and knowing the female body is essential to good sex, they are not what separates good sex from amazing sex.

Sex is like dancing. The steps can be memorized and mastered with practice. (And we recommend practicing a lot!) But imagine two people who have been dancing partners for many, many years. The time when they had to think about any particular move has long passed. They can twirl, glide, kick, dip, spin, and turn, as easily as they breathe. But, after all these years, not only do they possess comprehensive knowledge of each motion, they also know their partner comprehensively. They can read the other, anticipate their mood and desires, sense where they are going. They no longer dance as two, but as one.

That’s sex after years of loving partnership. Intimate encounters become the expression of enduring love. Hard times build perseverance. Good times create happy memories. Years of giving, gracing, and growing establish a bond of affection. You bring this deep, adoring knowledge of each other into the bedroom where you make love, no longer as two, but as one.

When you’re young enough for the bodies to still be strong and capable, and old enough to have years of love to express, sex is at its peak.

What Your Words Say

What do your words say about your marriage?

Do your expressions to one another indicate a special and unique relationship? Or are you two buddies living together as roommates?

Do you speak with affection, grace, and joy?

Do you flirt? Do you express things privately that would make you blush if heard publicly?

Do you build up or tear down?

Do your conversations get beyond the mundane and immediate?

Do you need to say more? Do you need to say less?

Do you use the various means available today (text, tweet, email, chat, Facebook/Google+, cards, letters, notes, Post-Its, etc.) to express your love to each other?

What do your words say?

Not-So-Cute Differences

You’ve been there:

The morning started out well… until I started stressing about some logistics of my busy day ahead. Detailed logistics like this are my husband’s gift. For me, it can feel daunting.

I started to express my fears, concerns and frustrations. My husband did his husband thing, and tried to fix the situation… suggesting options I’d already thought of or wouldn’t work. I got defensive and bit back. As the conversation spiraled, I went from worried about details of the day to a full-blown meltdown over what maybe-could-go-wrong-over-the-next-20-years. It was the kind of interaction you’re pretty sure ruined the next week for you and your sweetheart. I felt so immature.

So, I was a little surprised when my husband checked on me later this morning to help me revisit the problem when my head was clearer (and I had a little caffeine in my system).

After 19 years, Krista and I can tell you that these things will continue well beyond the first year of marriage. But, if handled with this kind of love and care, they build trust. They actually strengthen your relationship. That’s what Christian grace does.

God's Design for Marriage

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