God's Design for Marriage

Tag Archives: good discussion

Your Wife’s Top Ten List (Number one)

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One night a few years ago, I posed the following question to my bride, “What are the top ten things a typical wife wants?” Without a moment’s hesitation she listed them off. I took notes. Then I investigated further with the help of the all-knowing Google. Lastly, I asked the opinions of other wives who corroborated Krista’s original list. Husband, I suggest you take some time to learn (memorize?) the list and see how you can provide each item for your wife. Strive to love your wife in each of these areas.

Top Ten Things a Wife Wants:

1. Conversation/Listening Ear

Your wife wants to talk with you, not just at you. She wants to discuss her thoughts, activities, desires, fears, experiences, and curiosities. And she wants to hear yours. During your engagement, as you were trying to win her affections, you had plenty to talk about. If you want to keep (or get back) her affections, find plenty more now.

As mentioned earlier, the way we get to know someone is by talking together. Your wife desires to be known by you. And as we will see later in 1 Peter 3, you are commanded to know her. It will only happen if you talk. A lot.

Your task is to plan regular time for conversation. You will also need to plan topics of conversation if you want to go beyond the very superficial (which you must if you intend to really know one another). Creative and effective question-asking is an art that you will need to learn and hone in order to satisfy this craving of your wife.

You will also need to master the art of listening. I mean really listening, as opposed to the occasional nod and random “Uh huh,” as your mind wanders to a land far, far away. She knows when your mind drifts. You’re not fooling her. And it’s rude. It tells her that she is not worth your time, that something else is more valuable to you. On the other hand, listening well—remembering what she says, interacting with what she says, and acting on what she says—says to her that you do cherish and love her. Remember, a cherished wife wants to please her husband. So expend great effort to maintain a vibrant and frequent talking relationship.

You will likely encounter many obstacles and challenges to regular meaningful conversations. You may find yourself too busy (translation: other things have become more important than your wife). You may find your wife uninteresting and you have nothing to say (translation: you have let the relationship dissolve). Or perhaps other relationships or pursuits excite you more. And, the one that plagues us all, you will become selfish.

How do you do it?

These, and more, emerge as life endures, but there are ways to avoid them (or at least minimize their impact). Work toward the following preventions and solutions:

  • Keep less important activities from your schedule. If you engage in other things at the expense of regular conversations together, the cost is too high. Adjust your calendars accordingly.
  • Look for admirable qualities and abilities in her. They exist now, and will increase over the years. Notice them and tell her you noticed. (Also good is telling others in her hearing.)
  • Plan for regular times of conversation. Meals, dates, car rides, walks, etc., should be intentionally incorporated into your weekly routine and used for talking together. If you truly have nothing to say to your wife, you are in trouble.
  • Do not pursue “dangerous” relationships. Any association with friends, family, or others which detracts or distracts from your wife is dangerous. Let them go and pursue her.
  • Regularly pray for a selfless heart toward your wife. When you love yourself more than her, only the Spirit of God can help. Seek Him.

 

 

 

 

  1. Wife, explain why you enjoy talking with him.
  2. Wife, does he ever ignore you or “tune you out” while you are talking? If so, describe an example for him and tell him how you feel when he does that.
  3. Discuss together the potential obstacles and challenges listed above, along with the potential solutions.
  4. Wife, rate (1 to 10) your conversation satisfaction. Graciously explain how it could be improved for you.
  5. Husband, what schedule changes can you make to create more discussion time?

Suggested Goals for the Week: April 2

[Hint: Don't read each other's, just do yours.]

 

Husband:

Plan a time for extended conversation. Ask her about the resurrection of Jesus. Ask what she expects life in the next age to be like. Ask what she thinks will be the best parts of living in resurrected bodies. Ask what helps her find joy and hope in the gospel. Then lead her in prayers of thanksgiving for forgiveness and eternal life.

 

 

Wife:

Plan a private “egg hunt” for just your husband on Saturday or Sunday. Fill plastic eggs with candy and expressions of love. Make sure that the final discovery includes a special treat from you.

Do You Know What Makes Your Spouse Giggly?

When you were in the dating/courting/engagement period, what did you spend most of your time doing? Talking, right? About everything. You were getting to know each other’s likes and dislikes, tastes, desires, long-term goals, past experiences, and favorite ice cream flavors. The proverbial 7-minute conversation lull was more like a 7-hour lull, which was quickly filled with another question. Or maybe there was an extended period of quiet. That, too, was wonderful, because there was no one you would rather do nothing with.

After your wedding, it should have been more of the same only better because you never had to end the date. You could be together almost all the time. But did you want that a year later? Did you get to a point where you thought, It seems like we’re together all the time. I need some space. I need to get out once in awhile. Or, we’re together all the time, can’t I have some time to myself to just watch some TV and relax? I need some downtime. Right now, I need to veg for awhile. We can talk later. But, later never comes; it’s always now.

Husbands and wives are one flesh, head and body, groom and bride, and co-heirs of eternal life. How can two people described by such intimate terms not have ongoing pleasant, stimulating conversation? Once again, it is because of abiding sin. The grace that once spilled over into your discussions paving the way for long strolls of blissful discourse were replaced by mutual boredom at best, and growing hostility at worst, if you did not remain vigilant and intentional in resisting it.

Besides earnest prayer, the prevention and remedy is to work at knowing each other. You must expend the energy necessary to always be able to answer questions like these about your spouse: What kind of music does your husband like? What is your wife’s greatest fear? Can you describe each other’s most enjoyable experiences? Do you know what makes each other happy? sad? pensive? agitated? giggly? What is your husband’s favorite hobby? Why does he enjoy it so much? What is your wife’s idea of a romantic date? When is the last time you made that happen? What goes on in her mind and heart when your mother comes to visit? Is your answer based on man’s intuition or have you actually asked her about it? Does he struggle to pray and study the Bible on a regular basis? Why? What did her family do to celebrate Christmas and New Year’s? Is her desire to continue those traditions or create new ones?

Quiz each other through the questions in the last paragraph and see how many you can answer correctly. Make up new questions too. Create your own “getting to know you” game.

The Pleasure of Intercourse (the Other Kind)

Getting to Know You . . .

One of the biblical metaphors for the sexual relationship between a man and his wife is that of knowing each other. For example, Genesis 4:1 says literally, “And the man knew his wife Eve, and she conceived and gave birth to Cain” (emphasis mine). Obviously, if all it took to conceive a child was for a man to know a woman, we would all be impregnating women all over the place. But this knowledge was of the most intimate kind, involving physical interaction as well as intellectual.

It is interesting (to me, at least) that the word intercourse is used almost exclusively today to refer to sex. However, in days gone by, it was used predominantly to describe the verbal exchange of ideas, thoughts, and feelings between people or groups. And, I would dare say that if husbands took the time to enjoy intercourse with their wives in the older sense of the word, they would be more than content with their enjoyment of it in the newer sense. We’ll get to the sexual pleasure of marriage in another post, but first let us consider the pleasure of conversation in marriage.

Intercourse-killers

In the extremely sad, but true category is the fact that husbands and wives spend relatively little time talking with one another. Oh, they talk at each other, and give briefings when necessary to keep the family machine running. But unhurried, prolonged conversations remain on the list of things that would be nice “if we had the time.” Or, they are trumped by the irresistible lure of the great intercourse-killers: TVs, computers, smart phones, iPads, and the like. It seems that the stuff coming out of these things is so much more interesting that than the stuff coming out of the hole in the lower part of their spouse’s face. Husbands and wives have been given the tasks of ruling the world, raising Christian children, cultivating a relationship of physical delight, protecting one another from the dangers of lust and infidelity, and painting a picture of Christ and the Church for the world to see. That’s a lot of work. How much better at it will we be if we actually talk to each other?

It wasn’t always that way. I don’t mean before the microchip, I mean earlier in their relationship, back before they were married when they couldn’t get enough of each other. Parting was such sweet sorrow. And the next encounter, even if planned for the next day, seemed like an eternity away.

  1. Wife, on a scale of 1 to 10, how satisfied with the frequency of meaningful conversations between you and him? Where would you rate the quality of your conversations? Husband, you do the same.
  2. Graciously explain to the other anything that appears to take priority over conversation. (In other words, what are the intercourse-killers that the other brings into the marriage?)
  3. Express to the other things that you would like to discuss more often. Look at your weekly schedule and decide together where you can plan some quality talk time.

Suggested Goals for the Week: March 19

[Hint: Don't read each other's, just do yours.]

 

Husband:

On your date this week, or during another time when you can have unhurried, uninterrupted conversation, ask her something that God is teaching her, challenging her with, or showing her about herself. Interact with her about it.

 

Wife:

Initiate sex every day this week. Be creative and enthusiastic. See if you can make him wonder what has come over you.