How to Love Like Jesus

In order to love your spouse with Christ-like love, you have to put acceptance and expectations in the right order.

Jesus loves and accepts us first, then he places expectations upon us. But He never requires us to meet all of His expectations in order to accept us. Furthermore, He helps us to meet His expectations. He wants us to win. He wants us to succeed. He never withholds Himself or withdraws when we fail. He comes alongside to assist us in being who He desires us to be.

How about you? Are you waiting for your spouse to meet certain expectations before you will truly give yourself to loving and accepting them? Do you withdraw or withhold when your expectations are not met? Do they have to prove themselves worthy of your love? If so, you are not loving like Jesus. (And you had better hope He doesn’t start loving you the way you love your spouse.)

If God Is

If God has the power to do whatever He wants . . .

If God can change hearts and desires . . .

If God is gracious and kind . . .

If God loves His children . . .

If God delights to bless His people . . .

If God is faithful and true . . .

If God knows our thoughts . . .

If God cares about marriage . . .

. . . then your relationship with your spouse can become more intimate, more wonderful, more loving, more satisfying, more enjoyable, more Christ-like than it is now no matter how good or bad it is currently.

Not-So-Cute Differences

You’ve been there:

The morning started out well… until I started stressing about some logistics of my busy day ahead. Detailed logistics like this are my husband’s gift. For me, it can feel daunting.

I started to express my fears, concerns and frustrations. My husband did his husband thing, and tried to fix the situation… suggesting options I’d already thought of or wouldn’t work. I got defensive and bit back. As the conversation spiraled, I went from worried about details of the day to a full-blown meltdown over what maybe-could-go-wrong-over-the-next-20-years. It was the kind of interaction you’re pretty sure ruined the next week for you and your sweetheart. I felt so immature.

So, I was a little surprised when my husband checked on me later this morning to help me revisit the problem when my head was clearer (and I had a little caffeine in my system).

After 19 years, Krista and I can tell you that these things will continue well beyond the first year of marriage. But, if handled with this kind of love and care, they build trust. They actually strengthen your relationship. That’s what Christian grace does.

Can He At Least Tie His Shoes Right?

We know it’s true:

It is very easy to forget our spouse’s best qualities and all the reasons we love him or her. When this happens, we turn our attention toward the negative parts of our spouse’s personality and our marriage.

That introduces a tone of complaint and discontentment into our homes. It leads to discord and trouble in a marriage.

We must discipline ourselves to be thankful. We must make it a priority to praise our husband or wife – even when we don’t feel like it. Even if the only thing they do right is tie their shoes, we need to remember that quality, focus on it, and let our them know we think they’re the best shoe tie-ers in the world.

That’s a silly example, but I want you to understand how important it is to praise your spouse. When you do so, you are paving the way for God to do great things in your marriage.

God doesn’t need our praise, but He desires it and deserves it. Your spouse doesn’t always deserve your praise, but they need and desire it. Test and see whether God will do great things in your marriage through praise.

How to Pray for Your Spouse

Conversations from Ephesians . . .

When was the last time you prayed something like this for your spouse?

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.(Ephesians 3:14–21 ESV)

Do it now! Pray through each phrase specifically applying it to your spouse. Take your time and sincerely bring your life companion to the throne of grace.

There is nothing he or she needs more than a greater grasp of the incomparable love of Christ. It would impact your marriage in significant ways. Pray!

The Joshua Tree Marriage

Several of my friends in high school were big U2 fans. They bought the music, wore the t-shirts, worshipped Bono. They were devotees. And then The Joshua Tree album was released, changing everything. Their devotion morphed into rejection. They burned the records, burned the shirts, and burned little Bono figures in effigy. Okay, I am exaggerating a bit, but their appreciation for the band clearly gave way to scorn. At the time, I didn’t understand it. I thought The Joshua Tree was the first really good album they had produced. Apparently, gazillions of other people thought the same thing because they all bought it. U2 was suddenly one of the most successful groups on the planet. Turns out, that’s why my friends now despised them.

Some people are jealous and intolerant of those who succeed because it exposes their own incompetence and laziness. Whether it’s Tiger Woods or Apple or anyone else who works harder than their competition, some people will root against them simply because success draws attention to their own failure. By the way, I am not holding up Tiger or Apple as paragons of virtue. But their dominance in their respective fields is the direct result of their superior diligence, intelligence, and consistence.

So why am I talking about this on a marriage blog? Because the same jealousy and resentment can appear as we compare our own marriages to others. When you see a couple eagerly trying to have a Christ-honoring relationship, studiously seeking wisdom and understanding about how to love each other, and steadfastly enjoying a good marriage, how do you respond? Do you rejoice? Do you praise God for their example? Do you use it as motivation and encouragement to pursue excellence in your own marriage? Or do you despise them and start making excuses for why yours isn’t as good? The Pharisees couldn’t stand the genuine beauty of Christ because it brought their own ugliness into the light. They were unwilling to admit their sin, unwilling to run hard after true righteousness, and they despised anyone who was willing. Rather than rejoice in godliness incarnate, they killed Him.

I don’t think my friends wanted Bono dead. But they would have been pleased had U2 flopped after The Joshua Tree. And I doubt that any of you wish for good marriages to end in divorce. But do you sometimes wish they were a little less good so that you would look a little less bad? The better way is to be thankful for what is good, imitate what is good, and relentlessly pursue that which is good. That’s how Christians should respond to the successful marriages of others.

The Reality of New Life

Conversations from Ephesians

All believers were dead in their sins, but made alive by God’s grace. If your spouse is a believer, that “all” includes him or her. Do you look for evidences of God’s grace in their life? Do you expect the Holy Spirit to be working? Do you view them through eyes of hope? Do you pray for their sanctification (and not just when they’ve done something you don’t particularly like)? Do you believe that they were created for good works?

Many, I fear, don’t. They either don’t think about it or they are basically resigned to the fact that the concrete is set. Yes, but God is actively chiseling all of us rocks into the image of His Son. Again, the all includes your spouse.

I challenge you to pray for growth in grace and to interpret each other as those whose best days are yet future. Grace and hope always create more joy than judgment and despair.

God's Design for Marriage

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