God's Design for Marriage

Tag Archives: headship

Man Up! (Have the Hard Conversation)

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There are times, usually several every year, when a man needs to say difficult things to or ask challenging things of his wife. And, several times a year, men fail because they are weak, self-protecting, or afraid.

A man who loves his wife more than he loves himself will overcome and say what needs to be said.

A man who loves like Jesus will do what needs to be done.

A man who understands what it means to be a man will have the hard conversation.

Man up!

Man Up! (Protect Her Schedule)

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She cannot do it all. Husband, it’s up to you to make sure she doesn’t try.

Chores call. Ministry calls. Her mother calls. Friends call. Walmart calls. Books call. Entertainment calls. The children call. Starbucks calls. The family blog calls. Pets call. God calls. You call.

How does your wife decide which calls to answer?

She needs your help. It’s part of your job description as husband. You must help her decide how to spend her time and apply her energy in the ways that will be most pleasing to Jesus. This includes encouraging her to say no to people and opportunities, helping her maintain reasonable sleeping schedules (neither sleeping too little nor too much), and determining with her how to prioritize her to-do list.

Cultivating her relationship with Jesus goes at the top. Then comes you, children, and fellow believers (in that order). From there, your circumstances will vary from others. Your role is to help her plan well and stay disciplined so that she will grow in these areas and apply herself to the most important things.

Husband, if you are not already leading your wife in how she plans and schedules, get to it. It’s time.

Man up!

Hard Headship

Headship is hard work. If a man thinks of it as being bossy, he is going to have a hard wife and, more often than not, hard toast. People just don’t respond well to being ordered around. Wives are people.

It’s hard when a husband observes his wife’s sin. He is responsible to sanctify her. That requires addressing her sin, lovingly and humbly, and helping her overcome it. That requires love and humility. That’s hard for many men. Throw in the potential hostile reaction of a confronted wife and you have the excuse-making factory producing at record rates.

But when a man loves a woman, he wants her to please Christ more than he wants her to like him. As it turns out, a good woman wants to please Christ too, and will therefore like the man who helps her do it. But that righteousness is the fruit of discipline which comes after the pruning.

Recently, I strolled into our bedroom to find Krista sitting on the floor holding her phone 8 inches from her ear. The other voice was loud and loveless. I could hear every unreasonable, self-pitying, critical word. As her protector, I decided that she had been mentally flogged long enough. I told her she was needed and would have to get off the phone. That gave her a good reason to end the conversation.

Later, however, she began replaying the conversation and mounting her response. Her goal was clearly not edification and peace but self-defense and retaliation. My immediate reaction was to let her at it. The other person deserved to be put in her place. But that would not have been the righteous thing to do in this case. So, I had to overcome my temptation and make sure Krista overcame hers.

I did not deny the sinful words of the other party, nor did I want to minimize the pain it caused Krista to hear them. But, regardless of those things, Jesus would have Krista respond with love, kindness, and patience. He would have me make sure she did. I had to do the hard thing, I had to confront my wife about the sin in her heart. It wasn’t easy or pleasant, but it was my duty.

We have been at this long enough that it doesn’t take long to work through these things. Krista wants my help because she wants to please Jesus. You may not have that trusting track record yet, but you need to create it. Start now. A husband who truly loves his wife will do the hard work of sanctifying her, and a wife who truly loves Jesus will want him to do it.

Husband, What If You Were the Standard for Marriage?

Husband, if we were to use your marriage as the picture of Jesus and His bride, what would we learn about Christ?

  • Does your marriage display Jesus as a harsh, abusive, and domineering husband?
  • Do you show the world that Jesus only blesses His wife when He expects to get something in return?
  • Do you display a Jesus who would rather watch football, read a book, go fishing, or surf the Web than spend time with the Church?
  • Do you reveal a Jesus who considers it a bother when the Church asks for help?
  • When people look at your marriage, do they get the idea that Jesus would really rather be married to someone else (maybe someone taller or thinner or more interesting or more intelligent or with significantly enhanced physical features)?
  • Do you portray a Jesus who is committed to His wife bodily, but He can’t keep His eyes off of other women?
  • Do you show a miserly Jesus who won’t spend money on gifts or vacations or getaways for His wife, but somehow manages to find the dough for new toys for Himself? or satellite TV? or golf?
  • Do you show a Jesus who believes He ought to be the head of His home, but who, in reality, leaves leadership and responsibility to His wife?
  • Do unbelievers learn from your marriage that Jesus has more important things to do than listen to the requests, concerns, and dreams of the Church?
  • Do you reveal that Jesus criticizes every little thing the Church does wrong and points out all of her flaws?
  • According to your relationship, when Jesus corrects the Church does He leave her bruised, discouraged, and feeling worthless?
  • Do people see a Jesus who is involved in a lot of really good things, but rarely has time for the Church? That He will spend more time with the Church “as soon as He has more time”?

Or . . .

  • Does your marriage display the truth that Jesus is doing everything He does for the benefit of the Church?
  • That He is committed to loving and caring for His bride?
  • That Jesus is patient and kind to the Church?
  • That Jesus considers the Church His most precious possession?
  • That Jesus would never do anything to hurt or frustrate or discourage the Church?
  • That Jesus is always happy and interested to hear the Church’s concerns?
  • That Jesus is gracious with the Church’s faults and does not become angry at her failures?
  • That Jesus treats the Church well even when she does not please Him?
  • That Jesus leads, directs, protects, and provides for the Church?
  • That there is no sacrifice that Jesus will not make for the Church?
  • That Jesus is tender and endlessly compassionate toward the Church?

 

These are hard questions for any husband, but they are worth extensive reflection not only because of the vows we made to our wife regarding cherishing and nourishing, but also because a bad marriage lies to the world about the character of Jesus. It presents a distorted picture of His love for His bride. Every husband reflects Christ. We either reflect Him accurately or we present a caricature, but either way we present Christ. We should strive to be copies which are as true and genuine as possible to the original. Husband, love your wife like Christ loves the Church.

  1. Husband, tell your wife which of the questions above were most convicting and why. Talk about how you can strengthen your weak areas.
  2. Wife, how do you evaluate him? In what areas do you think he is most Christ-like? Least Christ-like? (Tell him honestly, but graciously.)

Why a Husband Should Be Father-Like

“Who gives this woman to be married to this man?”

“Her mother and I.”

 

You know those words. The processional music conveys the bride, arm woven through her father’s bent elbow, gently and majestically down the center aisle. They, and the music, glide to a pause. Silence fills the air for a pregnant moment, until, at last, it is broken by the simple inquiry—Who gives this woman?

You know the words, but do you know their meaning?

They express what is assumed in Ephesians 5, especially verse 29:

For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church. (Eph. 5:29)

 

Husbands as providers and protectors

Two words every husband must learn and master are nourish and cherish. It would be an oversimplification, but I am tempted to say that together they represent the husband’s entire job description. You see, a husband holds two relational positions with his wife. One is vertical, the other horizontal. The vertical is his authority as head, almost a father-figure. The horizontal is his partnership, friendship, and camaraderie with her. Nourish and cherish capture these two relationships.

Nourish has to do with the father-like authority and responsibility of the husband. It means “to feed” or “to bring up a child.” The husband is expected to provide for the physical and temporal needs of his wife in the same way that her father should have been doing up to this point. The transfer of this responsibility from the father to the husband is represented in the traditional wedding ceremony when the officiant asks, “Who gives this woman to be married to this man?” When the father responds with, “Her mother and I,” he is saying, “Her mother and I now entrust to this man the task of caring for our daughter.” The groom will now assume the duty of supplying the woman with housing, food, clothes, etc.

Husband, her temporal well-being is yours to maintain.

How are you doing?

How intentional are you about it?

Do you know her needs and desires?

Why do you work? Do you simply “work for a living”? Would your attitude be different if you looked at your job as a God-given means of fulfilling your responsibility to take care of the temporal needs of your wife? Do you regard work as a privileged opportunity to provide for your bride?

 

  1. Husband, are you a true provider or just a bread winner? Wife, what do you think? Talk together.
  2. Wife, do you look at his job as a threat or a burden? Should you be more thankful for it? Talk about it.
  3. Husband, when it comes to your wife’s attitude toward your working, do you feel appreciated or taken for granted? Describe your thoughts to her and discuss it together.
  4. Wife, does he take care of you? Describe how he does this well, then express how he could be even better.

Endless (?) Patience

About a year ago, my husband persuaded me to train our daughters in the art of doing laundry. My eldest caught on quickly and, in no time, I turned over to her the responsibility for the entire family’s laundry. She was a diligent worker, enjoyed it even, and soon I was convinced that she no longer needed my supervision. Oops! That was my first mistake. She was only ten-years-old at the time.

Eventually, her enthusiasm waned and doing the laundry became the chore for her that it had been for me. I neglected to make sure it was getting done in a timely manner, and we soon found ourselves not with pink underwear, but with no (clean) underwear! So I stepped in, as I was still ultimately responsible, helped her get caught up with the mounds of dirty clothes that had accumulated, reminded her of the impact this chore had on the entire family, and again turned it over to my daughter.

For the past several weeks, I’ve noticed that the laundry isn’t getting done — again. How has it come to my attention? The scenario goes something like this:

Doug (to no one in particular): Do I have any clean t-shirts?

Daughter (running down to the laundry room): I’ll go check, Dad.

Krista (under her breath, to herself): No, they’re all dirty.

Daughter (returning): No. Sorry, Dad.

And Doug goes to find something else to wear.

[Two days later]

Doug (to no one in particular): Is my red sweatshirt clean?

Daughter (running down to the laundry room): I’ll go check, Dad.

Krista (under her breath, to herself): Nope. It’s in the hamper.

Daughter (returning): No. Sorry, Dad.

And Doug goes to find something else to wear.

[Few more days later]

Doug (to no one in particular): Are my khakis clean?

Daughter (running down to the laundry room): I’ll go check, Dad.

Krista (under her breath, to herself): No, that’s the next load that needs to be done.

Daughter (returning): No. Sorry, Dad.

And Doug ends up wearing running shorts to the office.

I know that my dear, sweet, enduring husband has given me charge of our home. He has entrusted me with caring for our family, and I know that even if my girls are assisting me, the buck still stops with me. But he has never grumbled when his clothes haven’t been washed. He has never become sullen because all of his dress socks are dirty or the t-shirt he really wants to wear is at the bottom of the hamper. He has never made me feel bad for falling down on the job. Although he makes sure that I don’t pass the buck and blame my daughter (and believe me, I’ve tried), he reminds me gently and patiently . . . every time.

Why We Should Be Careful with Headship and Submission

Headship and submission are volatile topics. As sinful humans, we take pride in being “in charge” and umbrage at being under someone else’s charge. Neither attitude pleases Jesus.

Two dangers for husbands to avoid

  1. Neglect
  2. Browbeating abuse of power

Both are sins against the wife. Both are terrible sins against our Lord. He is the example of headship for husbands. He is neither timid nor tyrannical. He gently, but faithfully, works for our transformation. As His bride we never feel overrun or abused. Nor do we feel abandoned, deserted, or left to take care of ourselves. Unless we are wallowing in self-pity or resentment, we feel utterly cherished and valued by Christ.

Think about it. The Lord of heaven and earth does not lord it over the men and women under His authority. Why? Because His motive is love and His goal is their good. Husbands should imitate Him. When we do, our wives are loved and encouraged.

Word to the wives

You need to be willing to be loved in this way. It requires humility. It requires trust in the Lord, knowing that ultimately He is your husband. He is the one watching over you and transforming you. Because you want to submit to His tender love, you will submit to your husband’s feeble attempts to serve Christ by helping you. Refusing to allow your husband to work toward your sanctification is your sin, and it will slow your own pursuit of sanctification.

Question: In your opinion, are Christian husbands today more tempted toward neglect or abuse of authority?