Aim for the Stars of Marital Rapture

Any Christian marriage which is accurately described as dull, passionless, belligerent, strained, or painful is a miserable example of a Christian marriage. Our Creator established this most blessed of relationships in order to grant us a taste of heaven here on earth. Indeed, the wedding night is one of the biblical metaphors for the bliss we will experience when our Lord Jesus returns to consummate His kingdom. He will join with His Bride (the Church), and as they live together it will most definitely not be a boring, lifeless marriage. It will truly be “happily ever after.”

God created marriage as a means of profound pleasure for a husband and his wife. The reason we often struggle to experience the intended happiness is because, like with everything else, sin has taken its toll. However, as new creatures in Christ—who makes all things new and is in the process of redeeming all things—we have the power of the Holy Spirit to overcome sin. Near (or at) the top of our list for applying this power needs to be marriage. Our goal must not be for a decent marriage where everyone gets along okay and no one commits adultery. No, our sights must be set far higher. We should aim for the stars of marital rapture. The proverbial honeymoon period ought to be the low point of a marriage’s satisfaction because as we mature as Christians, and as our love for each other grows, the joy should intensify, not wane. Anyone who observes a Christian husband and wife together ought to find themselves aching for a similar experience of delight, fulfillment, and gratification.

Alas, this seems so rare, so foreign to our thinking. Why? Is it because we are ignorant of God’s design for marriage? Or because we are lazy and prefer to remain in our sinful neglect? Or because we don’t really believe that perpetual pleasure is possible in marriage? Or because we are not convinced that God condones such an interest in earthly satisfaction? Or, worse still, that He opposes it?

The next few weeks of our Thursday study is going to be mostly concerned to persuade that God intends for us to enjoy marriage abundantly.

If God wanted to show the angels what He had in mind when He created marriage, would He choose yours as a good example? Why or why not? Talk about it.
If non-Christian people could get a good look at your marriage, would they see Christ in it? Would they want to have a marriage like yours? Would your kids? If so, how can yours improve? If not, what needs to change.
Pause and pray together about your marriage. Give thanks for the good things and ask for the Spirit’s help for needed improvement. (Remember, the God who created the universe with a word can create greater joy in your marriage just as easily.)

Marriage Like Gardening

Genesis 2 gives an expanded understanding of how God intends dominion to be exercised by His divine-image-bearing males and females. He had a specific structure in mind for this operation, a structure which has specific implications for marriage:

God formed the male from the dust (v7) and placed him in the garden (v8). The expectation was that he would cultivate [lit. work it] and keep [take care of, guard] the garden (v15). But God determined that it was not good for the male to exercise this care over creation by himself, so He decided to make a helper for him (v18). After examining all of the living creatures, it was obvious that none of them were adequate (v20). So God took a part of the man’s body and manufactured a creature worthy of being his helper (v21f.). Now there was a man and a woman on the earth.

We should not lose sight of the purpose for which man was first created and for which woman was created after the man—they were made to rule the earth. God placed Adam in the garden to take care of it, and He gave Eve to Adam to help him in this work. Adam couldn’t do it alone. Eve was his complement, his assistant ruler/worker. Together as vice-regents they would exercise the divine lordship over all that God had created. To bring this forward to you, we see that marriages have a part to play in God’s providence over the world.

As a husband, I have been placed in a garden. Specifically, I have been given responsibility to teach the Word of God, to shepherd His sheep, and to counsel the church in matters of faith and obedience. I must work that soil so that it produces fruit. I must guard it against any and all threats such as predators, diseases, or drought. Your vocation may be different, but whatever the field, you have the responsibility to cultivate and keep it for its own good and the glory of God. And your wife has been given to you to aid you in that endeavor. She is the gardener’s assistant. Now, lest we read into that term our work experiences where the assistant is nothing more than a warm body who pushes pencils and retrieves coffee, we should note that in marriage the assistant is equal in dignity, value, and purpose. She is a partner, not a hired hand. However, she does not have her own garden. Her job is to help her husband tend the patch that God put him in.

Does this mean that a wife may not pursue anything that does not include being literally next to her husband’s side with a hoe in hand? No, but it does mean that she should not pursue anything that takes her from his side figuratively. She is designed to complement her husband, completing him and filling in the empty places, so that he can be more fruitful in his labors. If a wife doesn’t know whether her husband is trying to grow pumpkins or beans, and has to look up their garden on Google Maps to find its location, then it’s unlikely that she is fulfilling her role in God’s marriage program.

To be very practical and specific, a man needs to determine what God has called him to in this world. He needs to discern his talents, gifts, abilities, and interests, and get to work in subduing the portion of the earth that is under his influence. This includes his career, of course, but it also includes his roles in his family, church, community, etc. Every man has several gardens for which he is responsible. His wife’s calling is to help him reach his potential in each of them.

This will not necessarily look the same for each marriage because men need different kinds of help. However, some needs are almost universal. For example, one of my gardens is my family. The Lord has graciously granted me stewardship over three children, and I am accountable for their maturity in Christ. I must teach them God’s word. I must teach them to obey His commands. I must teach them how to avoid the pitfalls of life and stay on the straight path. And I must prepare them to be influential in their own gardens (or those of their husbands, in the cases of my two daughters). Now, obviously, if I spent all of my time teaching my children, I would be neglecting my other gardens, such as the Church. I am just as accountable to the Chief Shepherd for my instruction of His sheep as I am for my family. So, how am I going to produce good fruit in both gardens? By myself, the task would be almost impossible. (I say ‘almost’ because there are those who, due to God’s hard providence and by His abundant grace, do somehow establish beautiful gardens without the benefit of a wife. However, even they require assistance from others.) But because God has given me a wonderful helper, I have the prospect of being productive in multiple areas which God has assigned to me. I do some instructing of our children, but my wife does the major part of it. Because of her invaluable help, I am fulfilling my responsibility, and we have a fertile patch with tall plants and minimal weeds. She also assists my pastoral ministry in more ways than I can count. Together, we are exercising providential care over our family and the church. That is how God intended marriage to work.

This is not a categorical assertion that women have to work exclusively at home. There was a time in our marriage when my wife stood at my side by going out to work and earning substantial income. Yet even when a wife works outside the home, she ought to be doing it as an intentional act of assistance to her husband, not as a fulfillment of her own career ambition for its own sake. She is called to help him, not merely defray the cost of their shared apartment while he goes his way and she goes hers. (He took a wife, not a roommate.) Together, they need to decide what she can do that will be the most helpful in making their garden a success.

The Bible does not sentence a wife to a “barefoot and pregnant” existence, nor does it condone her living as a housemate with her husband while pursuing her own agenda. Discuss what that means.
Specifically, how does a man exercise providence over the earth?
Husband, do you know your gardens? What are they?
How does a wife exercise providence over the earth?
Wife, how do you/can you help your husband cultivate his gardens?
What more can you do together to make your gardens beautiful and profitable in Jesus’ eyes?

5 Purposes of Marriage

The Scripture reveals (at least) five purposes for marriage: Providence, Procreation, Picture, Pleasure, and Purity. You may find others, but these prove foundational and essential to the conjugal objective. We will consider them in this order.

Providence derives from Latin and connotes foresight or concerned awareness of what’s coming. God exercises providence over His creation as He cares for, guides, rules, protects, builds upon, and organizes the world and all of its inhabitants. Thus, usually we regard providence as an attribute of God, not man. However, mankind is given a significant role to play in God’s cosmic care. Our responsibilities are explained at the beginning of the world, when God created everything including marriage:

Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. And God blessed them; and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” (Genesis 1:26-28)

The image of God

An important statement made repeatedly in this brief section is the fact that men and women were created in the image of God. There is some debate about what precisely image of God means because the Bible does not spell it out. But all agree that it is of great consequence. (Capital punishment for a murderer needs no other defense than that the life taken was made in God’s image, Gen. 9:6). Whatever else may be intended by this sublime designation, it includes the humans’ right and responsibility to rule:

“Let us make man in Our image…and let them rule over the fish of the sea…” (v26, emphasis mine).

Rule (Heb. radah) is used to describe the authority of a master over his slave (Lev. 25:43, 46), Solomon’s kingdom which extended over great distances (1 Kings 4:24), Solomon’s commanders who managed his workers as they constructed the Temple (1 Kings 5:16), and the future the reign of the Messiah from “sea to sea, and from the River to the ends of the earth” (Psa. 72:8). The same responsibility and authority contained in these texts are expressly granted to men and women over the earth.

In v28, another word is added—subdue. This Hebrew word (kabash) means “to bring into bondage.” It is used of Israel’s capture and control of the promised land (Num. 32:22, 29; Josh. 18:1), to describe all of the nations which David conquered (2 Sam. 8:11), and of sons and daughters of Israel being subjugated as slaves to their enemies (Neh. 5:4). God expects mankind to be ruling and subduing His creation.

Another passage which summarizes the sovereignty of mankind is Psalm 8:

What is man, that Thou dost take thought of him? And the son of man, that Thou dost care for him? Yet Thou hast made him a little lower than God, and dost crown him with glory and majesty! Thou dost make him to rule over the works of Thy hands; Thou hast put all things under his feet, all sheep and oxen, and also the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the fish of the sea, whatever passes through the paths of the seas. (vv. 4-8)

The care and governance God has entrusted to men extends to include the fish of the sea, birds of the air, cattle, all the earth, every creeping thing (Gen. 1:26, 28), the works of God’s hands, and all things (Psa. 8). Now that’s a lot of responsibility!

What does providence mean?
How does God exercise providence over His creation?
According to this study, what does it mean that humans are created in the image of God?
Do you rule and subdue? How? What does that look like in your life?
Discuss how marriage fits into God’s plan for mankind to rule and subdue the earth.
Describe some married couples you know who seem to partner together in exercising dominion of God’s world.

What You Meant by “I Do”

You may not realize it, but the Bible begins and ends with marriage. The first Adam married his wife at the beginning of creation (Gen. 2); the last Adam will marry His wife at the beginning of the new creation (Rev. 21:1-4; 22:17). As bookends of God’s story, marriage serves to illustrate His committed, sacrificial, and eternal love for His people. Therefore, marriage is a relationship to be held in high esteem by all and to be passionately pursued by those who are blessed to enter it.

Vows

The stipulations of your marriage contract are the vows you made to one another during your wedding ceremony. While you may have chosen different words than the traditional wedding vows, you were not free to invent your own “terms of agreement.” God established your marriage requirements.

Below are the key statements of traditional vows along with a brief explanation. Use them as reminders of what you committed to on your wedding day. Our Lord takes vows very seriously. So must you.

“I take you to be my wedded husband/wife.” You did not marry under compulsion. No one forced you. You freely chose it because you wanted it. You also freely chose your partner. You chose to commit to him/her for the rest of your life no matter what happens. It’s important to remember this when things get tough. Your spouse is yours by choice.
“To have and to hold from this day forward.” “Having” and “holding” are shorthand expressions of close intimacy, including both companionship and sexual union. You agreed to seek these things with each other forever. Many husbands and wives grow apart as the years go by because they stop pursuing each other relationally and sexually. Close affection, of mind and body, only happen with effort. On your wedding day you promised each other to make every effort to ensure that they happen in your marriage.
“For better or for worse.” There is no escape clause in your marriage contract. You took each other “as is.” Or better yet “as will be,” because whether one of you becomes a very different person than you first appeared to be, or circumstances turn out quite differently than either of you had planned, the marriage commitment is valid and binding. You promised to love and honor each other in good times and in bad, come what may.
“For richer or for poorer.” This is the previous vow with a specific application—money. You promised to love and honor each other regardless of the size of your bank account. So whether you have to decide how to spend your millions or your pennies, your marriage contract requires unwavering devotion to each other.
“In sickness and in health.” It may be that in God’s hard providence one of you will be unable to be the husband or wife that you both desire. Disease may render one of you bed-ridden, weak, or frail, incapable of earning a wage, or working around the house, or participating in life events, or engaging in sexual activity. Alzheimer’s or dementia may strike. Chronic pain may prove debilitating. Infertility may emerge. Or any of a host of other mental or physical maladies, none of which will keep you from remaining faithful, true, and passionate about your spouse. Such was your promise at the altar.
“To love and to cherish/to respect.” Husbands are called to love and cherish their wives; wives, to love and respect their husbands. Cherish, in the marriage context, means “to value highly.” Husband, you pledged to treasure your wife above all other human relationships and above all other interests, hobbies, and loves. If at any point she becomes a lesser concern than your work, friends, children, family, or anything else, you will have become a covenant-breaker. Wife, you pledged to submit to your husband, affirming his authority over you, and admiring his efforts to care for you and your household. If at any point you treat him with contempt, as under your authority, disrespectfully, or rudely, you will have become a covenant-breaker.
“Till death do us part.” With two exceptions (adultery and abandonment, and these are not automatic), the New Testament does not allow for divorce. Your commitment is for life. Notice that you did not commit merely to “stick it out” for life, but to keep these promises for life. It’s not a matter of avoiding divorce, it’s a resolution to do everything possible to make your spouse a happy, fulfilled, joyful husband or wife. You can stay married until death and yet fail to be a faithful partner by your negligence and lack of care for the other.

And remember, all of these oaths were before God. He is the one to whom we will one day give an account for our marriages.

If you have a recording of your wedding or a document with your wedding vows, dig them out and review the words you actually said to one another.
Which vows are easier to keep at this stage in your marriage? Which are harder? Why?
In your opinion, what are the main reasons why marriages fail to increase in love and passion?
Money is often ranked as the biggest marriage struggle. Why do you think that is? Discuss together how money impacts your marriage?
Sex competes with money for the biggest marriage struggle. Discuss the problems you have experienced or are currently encountering regarding sex? (Btw, every sexual relationship can improve. Stay with us and we’ll help.)
Invite your spouse to increase their pursuit of you relationally and sexually. Give specific ways you would like him/her to “have and hold” you. What makes you feel pursued? What doesn’t?
Discuss whether the two of you are more in the doing everything possible to have a thriving, passionate, joyful marriage category or the sticking it out, co-existing, and avoiding divorce category.
(For personal reflection:) Have you kept your vows before God to your spouse? How can you improve?

Defining Marriage

The Random House Unabridged Dictionary defines marriage as,

The social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc.

American Heritage Dictionary has it as,

The legal union of a man and woman as husband and wife.

And Miriam Webster’s Dictionary of Law calls it,

The state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a legal, consensual, and contractual relationship recognized and sanctioned by and dissolvable only by law.

(My favorite definition comes from George Bernard Shaw: “Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”)

These definitions (except Shaw’s) draw attention to the statutory and civil aspects of marriage as they have been held by our nation for generations. Particularly important are words such as “legal commitments,” “legal union,” and “contractual relationship,” because they come close to the biblical definition of marriage—covenant.

Many passages speak of marriage using covenantal language (emphasis added):

You were at the time for love; so I . . . swore to you and entered into a covenant with you so that you became Mine,” declares the Lord God (Ezekiel 16:8).

From the beginning . . . God made them male and female . . . “The two shall become one flesh” . . . They are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate (Mark 10:6-9).

The LORD has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth . . . your companion and your wife by covenant (Malachi 2:14-17).

The adulteress who flatters with her words; that leaves the companion of her youth, and forgets the covenant of her God (Proverbs 2:11-17).

A covenant is a contract, pact, or agreement where two parties consent to be bound by predetermined stipulations. Failing to abide by any of the stipulations results in a breach of contract, a broken covenant. When you enter into marriage, you are uniting together under a binding contract, subject to predetermined terms of agreement, accountable to God Himself, until one of you dies. This is not to be taken lightly!

Biblical covenants included many elements represented in our marriage traditions and ceremonies:

Covenant Sign

Noah: Rainbow
Abraham: Circumcision
Moses: Sabbath
New Covenant: Circumcision of the heart
Marriage: Rings

Name Change

Abram to Abraham
Sarai to Sarah
Jacob to Israel
Wife taking her husband’s last name

Covenant Meal

Old Covenant: Passover
New Covenant: Lord’s Supper
Marriage: Reception/anniversary dinner

Witnesses

Old Covenant: Ark of Testimony
Marriage: Wedding guests

Stipulations

Abraham: Circumcise males
Old Covenant: 10 Commandments
New Covenant: Faith
Marriage: Vows

Why do you continue to wear your wedding ring? If you don’t, why did you stop? In either case, what message does it send to your spouse and to the world?
What is symbolized by the wife’s taking of her husband’s name? Wife, are you proud to have his name? Tell him about it. Husband, are you proud for her to have have it? Tell her why.
Why do you celebrate your anniversary? What is its purpose? What could you do to make the next one a special renewal of your marriage covenant?
If the guests from your wedding could spy on you at home, including your thoughts, would they say you are keeping your vows? Why or why not?
Your vows included words like cherish, love, respect, have and hold. (Even if you used different terms, this is what you meant. God says so.) Are you faithful to your vows today? Does your spouse feel like you are faithful? Ask each other.

Marriage as God Intended

Marriage was not man’s idea, it was God’s. We didn’t invent it, and it’s not ours to adjust until it suits our desires. Our understanding and practice of marriage ought to be patterned after the intentions of the One who designed it. Our “I do!” must conform to His “You will!”

This is not to say that marriage was designed to be drudgery where a man and a woman force themselves to comply with the harsh rigors of the divine nuptial mandate, like it or not. No indeed! The Almighty’s aim for marriage is a relationship of unparalleled fulfillment, delight, pleasure, and achievement together because it is a picture of the relationship between Christ and His Bride, the Church. Any marriage which is accurately described as dull, passionless, belligerent, strained, or painful is a miserable example of a Christian marriage. Our Creator established this most blessed of relationships in order to grant us a taste of heaven here on earth. The wedding night is one of the biblical metaphors for the bliss we will experience when our Lord Jesus returns to consummate His kingdom. He will join with His Bride (the Church), and as they live together it will most definitely not be a boring, lifeless marriage. It will truly be “happily ever after.”

But the only way to realize these hopes is to do it God’s way. So, if you are going to build your marriage the way God intends, you need to study the blueprints. And, like everything else, they are found in His Word.

Your ambition must not be for a decent marriage. No, your sights must be set far higher. You should aim for the stars of marital rapture. The proverbial honeymoon period ought to be the low point of a marriage’s satisfaction because as we mature as Christians, and as our love for each other grows, the joy should intensify, not wane. Anyone who observes a Christian husband and wife together ought to find themselves aching for a similar experience of delight, fulfillment, and gratification.

As you observe other marriages, you may conclude that such marital joy is a rarity. Maybe so, but yours can be an exception if you work hard and pursue your relationship as God intended. The goal of this study is to transform your marriage into one that experiences its intended joy and fulfillment so that you may present an accurate picture of Christ and the Church, for His glory and your delight.

It’s time to talk. Discuss the following questions together. Out loud. Be gracious and honest. Remember, you are on the same team trying to accomplish the same thing—a Christ-honoring, joy-producing marriage. You are both sinners and have each contributed to any problems in your relationship, so don’t get defensive and don’t forget to be kind. (If your marriage is strong, these discussions may help it grow even stronger, so don’t neglect them.)

On the continuum between drudgery and unparalleled fulfillment, where would you put your marriage? Describe three things that would immediately move it closer to the fulfillment side. (Remember, speak with tender grace and receive with loving humility.)
In what ways have you tried to (re)make marriage according to your design, rather than God’s? In what ways does it seem like your spouse has done so?
Think back to your wedding day. Why did you want to get married? What were your expectations? How have they been met or not met or met differently than you anticipated?
Talk about two or three marriages you wish yours was like and why.
Talk about two or three that you’re glad yours isn’t like and why.
List three things you understand the Bible to teach regarding marriage. Look up the references and talk about them together.

God's Design for Marriage

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