I have the World’s Greatest Wife. Krista loves my parents. My elderly parents are moving into an independent living facility this weekend, and my wife is spending a week with them to help. She is boxing up their belongings, helping them buy furniture, driving them wherever they need to go, and coordinating movers to transport everything. Because she loves me, she is choosing to be a tremendous blessing to my mom and dad. I have the world’s greatest wife.
A few final comments regarding submission:
To be in subjection does not mean that the wife has no input into decisions. Marriage is not a master/slave relationship. For a wife to share her thoughts and opinions on a matter is right and good. It’s what companions and partners do. Any husband with an ounce of sense will want and seek his wife’s contributions. Treasuring her will include an appreciation for her intelligence and wisdom (invaluable assets when determining a course of action). There is nothing disrespectful about making suggestions (so long as they are made respectfully). Yet when the discussion comes to an end, and the husband and wife disagree, the wife must submit. Joyfully. Willingly. Giving full support to his decision. Refusing to say (or think), “I told you so” when it turns out that hers was the wiser choice (and it will). Wife, if your husband makes a turn that will put you in the ditch, after offering your alternate recommendation, you go with him into the ditch without complaint. And then you help him get back out, without condescension.
A submissive wife is no fragile flower, too weak or delicate to be of any use. Remember the Proverbs 31 woman! She is amazingly talented and adventurous. She is robust and active. She is relentless and spry in life. And, she is utterly submissive to her husband. She represents the Church’s devotion to Christ with exceptional grace and propriety. Strive to imitate her.
Third, your respect of your husband will be most evident with your mouth. That is, what you say will either convey to him respect or disrespect more than anything else you do. Any time you talk down to him, speak critically of or to him, raise your voice, rebuke him as though he is under your authority, or belittle him, you commit sin. Wives should never speak to their husband in a way they would not speak to the Lord, because their submission is “as to the Lord.”
Make time for kissing. You take the lead to ensure that you and your wife spend extended, unhurried time kissing. Sitting on the sofa, delayed at a stop light, lingering in the kitchen, during commercials, doing whatever, make kissing a priority. Especially before lovemaking, kiss for a long time with no other touching.
Pick out a feature of your husband (physical attribute or character trait), choose to find it desirable and attractive, then express your attraction to him. Make a week of it.
Early in the Spirit-inspired love song known as Song of Solomon, there is an interchange that occurs virtually daily in every matrimonial relationship. See if you can pick it out of the following verses.
“Tell me, you whom my soul loves, where you pasture your flock, where you make it lie down at noon; for why should I be like one who veils herself beside the flocks of your companions?”
“If you do not know, O most beautiful among women, follow in the tracks of the flock, and pasture your young goats beside the shepherds’ tents“ (Song of Solomon 1:7-8).
Did you catch it? This is the poetic version of a wife asking, “How was work today, Honey?” Only something is amiss here because the man did not reply, “Fine,” as he flips his thumb along the display of his iPhone.
In this love song, the lover wants to know about her husband’s work. She is interested in his vocation. Furthermore, she refuses to be a mere bystander or casual acquaintance with respect to his job. She wants to have intimate knowledge of his skills and workplace. She is jealous of other women who know more details of his profession, and she scorns the thought of being no more than a far off observer of it. She wants to know more about him, and therefore more about his daily labors, than any other human being on the planet.
Wife take note: every man wants to be respected by his wife. And we desire to believe that our wife finds something attractive and fascinating about that to which we give so much of our time and energy. Men were created to work, and we long for our spouse to be the loudest cheerleader for our endeavors. But we don’t just want rah-rah and pompons, we yearn for a woman who shows sincere, earnest interest in, and admiration for, our work.
It seems that women too often resent their husband’s devotion to a job. Now, admittedly, some men seem to cherish their work more than their wife and thereby give cause to a woman’s resentment. But, assuming that a man is righteous in his devotion, his wife should appreciate his diligence. She should find his job a stimulus for affection. Indeed, the skill, provision, and proficiency that she observes in her man’s work should have an aphrodisiacal affect on her.
In the Song, he responds to her question by inviting her to go where the action is and see it for herself. He welcomes her to be involved in his work, to know what he does and how he does it. He is pleased with her interest.
Compare his response to the commonplace dialogue which will occur in thousands of homes across America this evening:
Wife: Hi, Honey, how was your day?
Husband: Fine.
Wife: (walking away) Dinner will be ready in 15 minutes.
Husband: Okay.
These few words communicate a lot. The husband hears the run-of-the-mill, ordinary, mostly meaningless greeting from his wife. It’s not much different than just “Hi.” Whether consciously or not, he doesn’t find any good reason to think that she cares about his work. So, he responds abruptly and blandly with “Fine.”
She hears, He doesn’t want me to be involved in this part of his life, the part which consumes so much of him. He will talk to his buddies for hours about his job, but all I get is “Fine.” It’s always just fine. So, she changes her attention and walks away.
Such indifference gives him further evidence that her initial inquiry was just a formality. How quickly she moves on. There’s no follow-up question, no genuine desire to know. (His buddies really want to know what he is doing and dealing with at the office).
He says, “Okay” which tells her that she was right. He is content to talk to the guys about his job, and use her for cooking, cleaning, and sex. (Too bad the guys can’t take care of those things, too!)
Both parties failed here. The wife needs to find more creative ways to inquire. “How was your day?” can become stale and routine. Although technically a question, it can be received as nothing more than a statement such as Hey! or What’s up? And, of course, when someone asks, What’s up? the expected response is, Nothing much. That’s how our culture works. It’s normal.
However, marriage always has to beware of normal becoming lifeless and tired. The wife ought to exert some effort in coming up with different ways to ask the question. She needs to continually add to her understanding of what goes on in his work. As she does, she can be more informed in her questions. For example, in the morning she could ask something like, “Is there anything at work today that you are particularly concerned about or excited about? How can I specifically pray for you today?” Then, of course, she should give some thought and prayer to it. When he returns home, she can ask about it.
Again, standard phrases should be avoided. “So, how was your meeting?” is not as good as, “Tell me about your meeting with John. Did it go as you expected it to?” And definitely communicate that you prayed for that meeting specifically (assuming you did). Ponder what concerned your husband, why it concerned him, and how he handled the situation. This will help you ask intelligent questions in the future when similar meetings are planned.
Conversely, the husband should not assume that just because the language is traditional the intent is necessarily disingenuous. If this woman is the love of his life, part of his own flesh, his covenant partner for as long as they both shall live, then why would he not want to share the details of his work? More than his friends, he should desire to experience everything in life with his wife. This includes his work. Now, there may be aspects of a job that another man can identify with more fully simply because he is a man. But this must not preclude us from allowing, or better inviting our wife to participate in regular knowledge of our vocation.
A man’s hesitance to discuss his job with his wife is not due to her inability to comprehend, but to his laziness and selfishness. Or, sometimes, because she really doesn’t care. Either way, the marriage lacks a vital component for intimacy and unity.
Wife, make it part of your routine to learn about your husband’s job. Convince him that you want to be part of it. And find non-routine ways to express it. Husband, tell her about it. Include her in your work. Allow her the privilege of being part of this important part of who you are.
Wives, when was the last time you encouraged your husband? I don’t mean a casual compliment or a “Good job, honey!” when he hits a home run in a softball game (although knowing you are his #1 fan in these situations is good, too). I mean verbally recognizing a substantial accomplishment or a character trait that you genuinely admire. Maybe it’s a promotion or award at work, or the way he lovingly handled a delicate situation with one of the kids, or the completion of an amazing book (like the one my husband just wrote during his sabbatical 
). Be specific and sincere. Knowing that you noticed and then affirmed his decision or action will mean more than you probably realize. A man is built up and spurred on to excellence especially by the good opinion of his wife.
Admiration is the other side of the valuable coin we explored yesterday. Respect and admiration go hand-in-hand, and the two are high on your husband’s list of desires.
One of the greatest desires of a husband is the respect of his wife. It is demonstrated most discernibly by the way she speaks to him. But those words must be supported and confirmed by her attitudes and actions. And he is acutely aware of whether or not he possesses her respect.
Wives, how are you doing in this area? It’s probably difficult for all of us at times. Do you know if you are doing well or do you suspect not so well?
Try this two-part test. First, the speaking part. Do you speak respectfully to your husband? Do you choose words that communicate respect? Are those words spoken with a tone that conveys respect? Does your body language complement these (or is there the rolling of the eyes and the shrugging of the shoulders)? Second, the action part. Does he know you respect him because you follow his lead? Do you consider his counsel and take his advice? Do you follow through on his requests and preferences?
Respect is one side of a coin that means more than gold to your husband. Tune in next time to find out the other side of the coin.
Having just spent a week living with my in-laws, I’ve come to a new definition of love. Or maybe it’s just an expanded definition, or perhaps merely a better understanding of what love looks like in different situations.
Often, the person we marry comes from a different background and lifestyle than the one in which we were raised. It may be a different culture, a different religion, or a different economic status. While those differences may be muted when represented by only your spouse, they are definitely magnified when spending time with the whole clan.
So when those differences are, shall we say, uncomfortable, how do you respond? Do you sullenly tolerate them? Do you constantly point them out? Do you make others feel bad for those differences? Or do you embrace them?
Sometimes, love is being content to be uncomfortable. Sometimes, love is doing your very best to pretend those differences don’t exist, to overlook them for a time. Sometimes, loving your spouse means loving the family they came from no matter how different.