Time Off from Marriage?

When Doug and I were first married, one of my biggest challenges (and something I still struggle with from time to time) was “always being on.” I felt like, now that I was married and always with him, I couldn’t “relax” and just be “myself.” I could manage while we were at church or with extended family to be my charming self (ha!), but once we got home, especially if I was tired or not feeling well, I just wanted to “let it all hang out” as they say.

What did that look like, you wonder? It meant speaking to my husband however I wanted. It meant not doing things I knew I should be doing. It meant not guarding (read not controlling) my mind or tongue or actions. Basically, it was selfishness unrestrained. You can imagine how ugly that got.

We all know it takes work to overcome sin. We have to exert effort (sometimes a lot) to put others before ourselves because our natural tendency is to be selfish. Our flesh makes it easy to sin. Especially in marriage, when the opportunities for selfishness can abound, it’s hard.

I’m not trying to say it’s all drudgery. The benefits of marriage far outweigh the costs. But it’s not easy to always put your spouse’s needs and desires before your own. And there’s no “time off” from marriage.

Being “on” doesn’t mean being fake. At least it shouldn’t. As I now understand it, being “on” means loving and respecting and admiring my husband, meeting his needs and desires, and enjoying (almost) every minute of it. Praise the Lord that He has given us His Spirit to come alongside and to empower us to love, to encourage us when we fail, and to strengthen us for a lifetime of marriage.

How to Love Like Jesus

In order to love your spouse with Christ-like love, you have to put acceptance and expectations in the right order.

Jesus loves and accepts us first, then he places expectations upon us. But He never requires us to meet all of His expectations in order to accept us. Furthermore, He helps us to meet His expectations. He wants us to win. He wants us to succeed. He never withholds Himself or withdraws when we fail. He comes alongside to assist us in being who He desires us to be.

How about you? Are you waiting for your spouse to meet certain expectations before you will truly give yourself to loving and accepting them? Do you withdraw or withhold when your expectations are not met? Do they have to prove themselves worthy of your love? If so, you are not loving like Jesus. (And you had better hope He doesn’t start loving you the way you love your spouse.)

And the Two Shall Become One Flesh with Two Bank Accounts

“Honey, today I declare my love to you. I vow to be your wedded spouse, to have and to hold, for better or worse, till death parts us. I will share my life with you. I will share my hopes and dreams with you. I will share my heart and soul with you. I will even share my bed and body with you. But I will not share my money with you. If you’re good with that, then, ‘I do!’”

Or maybe it was, “I will let you see me naked, but when I enter my pin I’m going to need you to turn your head.”

I’m trying to figure out what the agreement was for those who got married in every way except economically. I’m talking about marriages that maintain separate bank accounts.

You’ve seen the unity candle ceremony at weddings: the two flames fuse into one so that you can no longer tell them apart. That’s the goal in marriage. But it’s an impossible goal if you refuse to share something so mundane as money.

Becoming “one flesh” means adding the most intimate and precious aspects of your lives together. Keeping your finances separate brings division (and division is not the same thing as addition, even in postmodern mathematics). Roommates have independent bank accounts. Siblings have independent bank accounts. Co-habitating fornicators have independent bank accounts. Husbands and wives should not.

An even greater concern is headship and submission. The husband is ultimately responsible for the financial stewardship of the home. And the wife is called to submit in all things. Unless I’m mistaken, money would be included in the word “all.” Neither spouse can fulfill their appropriate role if they refuse to be united with their money.

Jesus and His spouse are co-heirs of His inheritance. That’s the model for your marriage. What God has joined together, let no man separate. Put your money, budget your money, and spend your money together. That’s how married people do it.

Trapped by Pride

Pride is usually the main obstacle:

It didn’t matter how many times he reassured me, I was unable to embrace the concept. I was intimidated by verbal affirmation because we didn’t really do this much in our home growing up, and because I think I was scared to sound foolish. My pride was trapping me. And finally, since I’m confessing, you should know I kind of resented the fact that he often received praise from everyone while I sat in the shadows. Yep. I think my pride was the main obstacle.

Selfishness

If we did your pre-marital counseling or if you’ve hung around GDFM for any length of time, you probably already know this; but it’s good for us all to be reminded from time to time.

What is the biggest problem in marriage? It isn’t money or sex or even communication (contrary to many self-help marriage books out there today). It’s sin, and more specifically, the sin of selfishness.

How do you respond when met with selfishness from your spouse? You have two choices really — to respond in kind, or to respond kindly.

More often than not, selfishness breeds more selfishness. We think, “Okay. Fine. If that’s the way he’s going to be . . . ” and off we go to pout and be, well, selfish.

But what does it look like to respond kindly?

Depending on the situation, sometimes it’s best to ignore it, thinking, “Okay. Fine. (deep breath) He just needs a little space right now.” Other times, especially for wives, a husband who meets selfishness with love and affection can melt it away.

You’ve heard the phrase “kill ‘em with kindness.” Rather than combating selfishness with more selfishness, try killing selfishness with kindness.

The Joshua Tree Marriage

Several of my friends in high school were big U2 fans. They bought the music, wore the t-shirts, worshipped Bono. They were devotees. And then The Joshua Tree album was released, changing everything. Their devotion morphed into rejection. They burned the records, burned the shirts, and burned little Bono figures in effigy. Okay, I am exaggerating a bit, but their appreciation for the band clearly gave way to scorn. At the time, I didn’t understand it. I thought The Joshua Tree was the first really good album they had produced. Apparently, gazillions of other people thought the same thing because they all bought it. U2 was suddenly one of the most successful groups on the planet. Turns out, that’s why my friends now despised them.

Some people are jealous and intolerant of those who succeed because it exposes their own incompetence and laziness. Whether it’s Tiger Woods or Apple or anyone else who works harder than their competition, some people will root against them simply because success draws attention to their own failure. By the way, I am not holding up Tiger or Apple as paragons of virtue. But their dominance in their respective fields is the direct result of their superior diligence, intelligence, and consistence.

So why am I talking about this on a marriage blog? Because the same jealousy and resentment can appear as we compare our own marriages to others. When you see a couple eagerly trying to have a Christ-honoring relationship, studiously seeking wisdom and understanding about how to love each other, and steadfastly enjoying a good marriage, how do you respond? Do you rejoice? Do you praise God for their example? Do you use it as motivation and encouragement to pursue excellence in your own marriage? Or do you despise them and start making excuses for why yours isn’t as good? The Pharisees couldn’t stand the genuine beauty of Christ because it brought their own ugliness into the light. They were unwilling to admit their sin, unwilling to run hard after true righteousness, and they despised anyone who was willing. Rather than rejoice in godliness incarnate, they killed Him.

I don’t think my friends wanted Bono dead. But they would have been pleased had U2 flopped after The Joshua Tree. And I doubt that any of you wish for good marriages to end in divorce. But do you sometimes wish they were a little less good so that you would look a little less bad? The better way is to be thankful for what is good, imitate what is good, and relentlessly pursue that which is good. That’s how Christians should respond to the successful marriages of others.

Vacation Sins

We are having a great time in CA. Yesterday and today included Seaworld. Fun is everywhere. But it got me to thinking: why do exciting vacations seem to be the breeding grounds for arguments, spats, and tensions?

They’re not. The real breeding takes place in our hearts every day. Vacations just expose the selfish offspring and bring them to maturity quickly.

A Christ-honoring marriage will fight even harder for self-control, love, grace, and delight when the temptation is strongest.

You think about that. We have to go. Shamu beckons.

God's Design for Marriage

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