Why should a wife submit to her husband?

Because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ also is the head of the church. (Ephesians 5:23)

Wives are half of the Christ/Church picture in marriage. They play the part of the Church who loves Christ by obeying Him. He said it like this, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments” (John 14:15). Christians who claim to love Jesus but refuse to obey Him show that their claim to love is an empty one. Christians must obey Christ. This obedience is to be depicted by a wife’s compliance with her husband’s will.

How far does submission go?

What is the extent of this submission? What are the things to which a wife must submit? Where can she draw the line? Paul answers this question, too, and he made it very simple. He taught:

But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. (Ephesians 5:24, emphasis added)

What does “in everything” mean? What does that leave out? What aspects of living and decision-making are not part of “everything”? Those are the things in which a wife does not have to submit.

There is, of course, one exception to “everything.” If a husband were to command what God prohibits or prohibit what God commands, then a wife must obey God and not her husband. For example, if a husband were to tell his wife to abort an unwanted pregnancy, the wife would be obligated to have the baby against his will. Or if he told her not to go to church, she would have to reject that instruction. However, in the latter example it is important to keep in mind that there is a significant difference between his forbidding church participation and his choosing a church that she does not prefer. A wife may not go to a church that she likes better under the claim that “I must obey God rather than a man.”

Other examples of when disobedience to a husband would be required would be if he tried to force her to engage in sexual activity with others. Or if he asked her to lie to cover up his own sin, or to join him in illegal activities. A husband’s authority over his wife does not permit him to demand that his wife sin. (But again, asking a wife to do something she does not want to do is not the same as asking her to sin. A wife must be careful to keep that distinct or she will find herself sinning against Christ.)

1. Wife, is the Lord Jesus pleased with your submission to your husband? Why or why not? Husband, what do you think?
2. Wife, what one area of willing obedience does your husband most wish you would grow in? Will you change today? Husband, is she right? Teach her.
3. Wife, does he ask you to submit to things that you believe to be sinful? Talk about it. (If so, it may be wise to seek pastoral counsel.)

In Ephesians 5:21-24, the first command given regarding marriage is that wives must submit to their husbands. I can hear the drums pounding off in the distance. The mood has intensified. The light has dimmed. The ground is pulsating beneath my chair as they march. It’s the orcs coming to destroy me for daring to even utter the word submission. It’s worse than predestination, more repugnant than hell. It has to be a mistake. God would never put that word in the Bible. Surely the Greek has been twisted and distorted by some medieval chauvinistic scholar who hated his mother. It’s degrading! It’s hate-speech! It’s inhumane! Paul hates women! (No wonder he didn’t have a wife. He would have never been brave enough to suggest such a thing if he were married!)

Okay, so maybe I’m laying it on a little thick. But, there are those who get this fired up and more so at the thought of a woman being told to submit to her husband. Nevertheless, we who love Christ must submit to His will regardless of what others think or say.

Let’s define our terms. The Greek word for submission (‘subjection’ is a synonym) is hupotasso. It is a compound word with the root (tasso) meaning “to put or to place” and the prefix (hupo) meaning “under.” Therefore, ‘submit’ is “to put or place under.” The voice is passive which means that the woman is to be placed under. She is to place herself under the authority of her husband. It is her decision, a permanent decision.

The command of 5:22 is, “Wives be placed under the authority of your husbands.” This is not good advice or a good suggestion. It is a command. This is what must happen in a marriage. Wives must place themselves below their husbands with respect to authority.

Now, contrary to modern, humanistic opinion, there is nothing inherently undignified about being in submission to someone else. The Scripture says that Jesus Himself submitted to Mary and Joseph when He was a boy (Luke 2:51). Imagine that! The Son of God placing Himself under the authority of sinful humans. (And without a single cry of protest.) Later, Jesus openly testified that He was under the authority of His heavenly Father and sought only to do His will. He was not thereby inferior merely by having God the Father calling the shots. Furthermore, in 1 Corinthians 15:28, the Son Himself, the glorified Messiah, Ruler of Heaven and Earth, will be subjected to the Father. It’s the same word used here to describe wives. Jesus will be placed under the authority of God the Father, and in that subjugation He will not lose one iota of worth, dignity, or even deity. Being under a higher authority does not make a person a lower form of being, it simply makes him or her under authority. A wife is of equal dignity and worth as her husband, but she is under his authority.

Also note that wives are not commanded to be submissive to all husbands, but to their own. My wife does not have to obey every man that comes along and gives her orders. She has not placed herself under them, but under me. She is not Krista Johnson or Krista Williams or even Krista Goodwin. She is Krista Goodin. She has taken my name and has pledged her obedience to me alone.

To submit is to obey. That is what it means for a wife to place herself under her husband. Her obedience is “as to the Lord” (Eph. 5:22). Notice the little word as again. A wife’s submission to her husband should be analogous to her submission to the Lord. Now, obviously her husband is not the Lord, and she should not worship him. Nevertheless, the command is plain—a wife is to obey her husband as she would Christ.

1. Wife, define submission. Explain to your husband what you understand it to mean biblically.
2. Discuss together how well or poorly your mothers submit to your fathers.
3. Wife, what do you find most difficult in submitting to your husband? Why? Tell him about it.
4. Wife, does submission provoke emotion inside you (fear, anger, jealousy, doubt)? Explain.
5. Why is submission not the same as helplessness, weakness, or inferiority?
6. Husband, describe examples of how she does submit to you.

Be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. (Ephesians 5:21–24)

We should remember at the outset that the Apostle Paul did not invent the concept of submission. He didn’t break open a fortune cookie and think, “Hey! That sounds like fun. I’ll tell all the slaves to obey their masters, children to obey their parents, and wives to submit to their husbands.” The Holy Spirit of God directed him to broach the subject of submission. And when He did, He laid down a particular emotional state that ought to accompany it. He commanded that those in subjection to others (wives, children, slaves) act out their obedience “in the fear of Christ.” Now the socially acceptable definition of fear in such passages is “reverence” or “respect.” But to modern ears, I think this waters it down too much. I grant that believers must not walk around in a morbid state of terror when they think of Christ (I know the verses, “He has not given us a Spirit of slavery leading to fear,” “There is no fear in love,” etc.) However, a person who claims to love Christ and yet obstinately refuses to do what He commands has every reason to fear Christ. That hard-heartedness may be an indicator that she does not love Christ after all, in which case she will hear at the Judgment, not “Well done!” but, “Depart from Me, I never knew you” (Matt. 7:21-23). That is the fear the apostle is talking about, a fear which equates the refusal to submit to one’s husband with the refusal to submit to the Lord Himself (see Eph. 6:5f). This is a terrifying thought, indeed.

My objective in pointing this out is not to hang a dark cloud over the heads of wives, but to ensure that we understand what is at stake here. The authority of Scripture has been greatly undermined and damaged by the influence of liberalism and feminism. We too easily gloss over such stern and sober assertions, to our detriment. Paul is not being ambiguous in this passage, he is affirming quite straightforwardly that submission is serious and must be entered into with the clear understanding of Who stands behind the command.

Wife, when you said “I do” to your husband, you were not only agreeing to enjoy all the fun and romance with him, you were saying, “I do place myself under your authority and will submit to you for the rest of my life. May the Lord Jesus deal with me if I fail to submit to you.” There is no escape clause. “What God has joined, let no man separate.” That goes for women, too.

I’m not going to post any discussion questions for this section, just a suggestion to wives: Spend some time alone and ask the Spirit of God about whether you please Christ in how you submit to your husband. Make note of any sins He reveals and determine to repent of them.