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God encourages every husband to romance his wife—to kiss her, to touch her, to delight in her body. But this is not just a man’s game. The same level of pleasure ought to be experienced by every wife. Romantic, bodily, affectionate, sexual, joy is to be shared equally between a man and wife. Without a doubt there are differences, but they are matters of how, not what. Both partners are expected to find marriage to be an ocean of blessedness. God expects this because He created it to be such. He is aggressively in favor of marital, romantic joy. He is pleased when a husband and wife sit next to each other on the porch, sipping a cup of coffee, and sharing a chuckle at a silly squirrel’s erratic behavior. He smiles when a man and wife flirt with each other through texts, IM, and email. He nods with affirmation when a guy runs his eyes up and down his wife’s barely covered body on her way to the shower (and when he follows her in to watch). And He grants His hearty approval whenever a woman approaches her husband in order to enjoy the sexual ecstasy of making love. He made it, after all, right down to our body parts and their elated responses to the stimulations of touch. God is pleased when His children find pleasure in marriage.
Again, let’s go back to the beginning. The summary statement made about the marriage relationship when God first instituted it, and the last word spoken before sin entered the picture, was that “the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Gen. 2:25). Adam stood in front of Eve, and Eve before Adam, and neither of them gave a second thought to the fact that they were not wearing any clothes. It seemed right and natural. They liked looking at each other. They felt no humiliation, no disgrace, no hesitancy whatsoever at walking around the world, in front of God and all His creatures, buck-naked. It was good.
After they disobeyed, however, their free spirit went away, and they hid themselves when God came near (Gen. 3:8). Before, they had been exposed. Now, they felt exposed. And they couldn’t stand it. They had to find something with which to cover their naked bodies. Of course, this was the physical response to the shame they felt in their soul. They knew they had sinned against God, and now more than anything they desired to hide that sin.
For Christians, however, the curse of sin has been reversed. Its shame and reproach have been laid on another. We no longer have reason to fear the appearance of God. So then, this ought to free us to be naked and unashamed again.
I am not suggesting that public nudity is, or ever was, allowed. Remember Adam and Eve were the only human beings on the planet when they walked around in the buff. Whether God would have wanted them to remain disrobed in the presence of other men and women is a subject for another time. What I am suggesting, however, is that there should be no tentativeness for a man or woman to take off their clothes in front of God and their spouse.
Several issues may prevent a husband and wife from enjoying sexual shamelessness and freedom. The most common are poor body image, guilt for sexual sins, and past sexual abuse. In the case of body image inhibitions, the ashamed party needs to be assured and reassured of his or her partner’s acceptance (especially in a culture that is obsessed with six-pack abs and spends millions of dollars annually on cosmetic adjustments). And, the one who feels physically inadequate must be careful not to allow selfishness to rob their spouse of joy and intimacy.
When dealing with guilt for previous sexual sins, we must allow the gospel to speak into the bedroom and wipe away all of the stains. All of our wickedness has been swallowed up in the sea of forgiveness, even the perverse ones. Let them stay there forever. Enjoy your new, pure life in Christ.
Sexual abuse is in an entirely different category. Healing usually requires the assistance of pastoral counsel. Compounding the problem is the fact that most sexual abuse victims refuse to admit the abuse or they try to minimize it and continue surviving. What invariably happens is that the abused person becomes unwilling to be intimate with their spouse either relationally or physically. If you have experienced anything—from someone lewdly exposing himself/herself to you, to inappropriate touching, to rape—I cannot say it strongly enough: you need to talk to a pastoral counselor about it! Joy and intimacy in life and marriage depend upon your getting help. Do not pretend that it didn’t happen or that it’s no big deal.
Inhibition is the great pleasure-killer of sexual passion, and shyness about being naked together is a major inhibition. There should be no place where we are more comfortable and at ease than being undressed in full view of our Maker and our mate.
- Do you know couples who seem to really enjoy marriage? How does it show in their relationship?
- Do you know couples who seem to have little or no joy in their marriage? How does that show in their relationship?
- Are you naked and unashamed in front of each other, mind, soul, and body? If not, why not?
- When sex is over, do you quickly seek to cover up? Are you willing to be seen completely naked, in bright light, by your spouse? Discuss.
- Would you both be willing to sleep utterly naked every night for a month? Talk about it. Try it.
- Do either of you allow past sexual sin to impact your sexual joy now? Discuss.
- Do you have any difficulty believing that God sees and approves when you have sex, when you flirt, when you touch each other, when you enjoy each other’s bodies? Discuss.
- Again, I cannot say it strongly enough: If either of you are victims of any sexual abuse (whether apparently minor or major), it is absolutely imperative that you discuss it with someone who can help you work through it. It’s never too late.
