Man Up! (Tell Her She’s Beautiful)

Every woman wants her man to tell her.

Tell her when sitting quietly together on the sofa in the evening.

Tell her at the breakfast table (even in front of the kids).

Tell her in the car.

Tell her on a walk.

Tell her while making love.

Tell her when she is all done up. And when she’s not.

Tell her when she is sad.

Tell her when other people are around.

Husband, the marriage relationship is more than physical, but it is not less. God gave you a bride expecting you to find her beautiful. Tell her she is.

Man up!

The Pleasure of Intercourse (the Other Kind)

Getting to Know You . . .

One of the biblical metaphors for the sexual relationship between a man and his wife is that of knowing each other. For example, Genesis 4:1 says literally, “And the man knew his wife Eve, and she conceived and gave birth to Cain” (emphasis mine). Obviously, if all it took to conceive a child was for a man to know a woman, we would all be impregnating women all over the place. But this knowledge was of the most intimate kind, involving physical interaction as well as intellectual.

It is interesting (to me, at least) that the word intercourse is used almost exclusively today to refer to sex. However, in days gone by, it was used predominantly to describe the verbal exchange of ideas, thoughts, and feelings between people or groups. And, I would dare say that if husbands took the time to enjoy intercourse with their wives in the older sense of the word, they would be more than content with their enjoyment of it in the newer sense. We’ll get to the sexual pleasure of marriage in another post, but first let us consider the pleasure of conversation in marriage.

Intercourse-killers

In the extremely sad, but true category is the fact that husbands and wives spend relatively little time talking with one another. Oh, they talk at each other, and give briefings when necessary to keep the family machine running. But unhurried, prolonged conversations remain on the list of things that would be nice “if we had the time.” Or, they are trumped by the irresistible lure of the great intercourse-killers: TVs, computers, smart phones, iPads, and the like. It seems that the stuff coming out of these things is so much more interesting that than the stuff coming out of the hole in the lower part of their spouse’s face. Husbands and wives have been given the tasks of ruling the world, raising Christian children, cultivating a relationship of physical delight, protecting one another from the dangers of lust and infidelity, and painting a picture of Christ and the Church for the world to see. That’s a lot of work. How much better at it will we be if we actually talk to each other?

It wasn’t always that way. I don’t mean before the microchip, I mean earlier in their relationship, back before they were married when they couldn’t get enough of each other. Parting was such sweet sorrow. And the next encounter, even if planned for the next day, seemed like an eternity away.

Wife, on a scale of 1 to 10, how satisfied with the frequency of meaningful conversations between you and him? Where would you rate the quality of your conversations? Husband, you do the same.
Graciously explain to the other anything that appears to take priority over conversation. (In other words, what are the intercourse-killers that the other brings into the marriage?)
Express to the other things that you would like to discuss more often. Look at your weekly schedule and decide together where you can plan some quality talk time.

Suggested Goals for the Week—2/27/12

[Hint: Don't read each other's, just do yours.]

Husband:

Pick one thing every day this week that your wife does well. Pick something in the home, at work, at church, with friends or family, or something else, and express to her what you have observed. Let her know that you notice her successes. Build her up.

Wife:

Several times this week, take his hand and place it on your body somewhere as an invitation for him to touch you. It doesn’t have to be overtly sexual each time, but make sure a couple of them are. Show him that you welcome and desire his physical affection.

The Gift of Feeling Like a Wife

I spend most of the hours in my days fulfilling the role of mom. The majority of my responsibilities are as a mother. And even though my children are getting older and becoming more self-sufficient, they still need me to be mom.

But I am also a wife. And although that role is my top priority, it would be very easy for me to say that I mostly feel like a mom . . . and then a wife. It would be easy to see myself as, to make my identity, primarily a mother. It would be easy — except for the fact that my husband won’t let that happen.

What does Doug have to do with whether I feel like a wife or a mother? Everything! Because he treats me like his wife, and because he speaks to me like his wife, and because he cherishes me like his wife, that’s why I feel like his wife.

He could treat me like only a nanny or a housekeeper or the family cook or the home manager. He could speak to me only about the details of parenting or schooling or carpooling. He could focus on all of the tasks I do.

Instead, he takes me on dates. He flirts with me constantly. He whispers sweet nothings in my ear. He wraps his arms around me (while I’m doing the dishes!) and suggests what we’ll do after the kids are in bed. He asks my opinion on things that matter to him. He treats me like the most important person in his life. And that is such a gift to me.

Someday, the kids will be grown and my motherly responsibilities will diminish and look very different from now. But I will always be (’til death do us part) and, more importantly, always feel like Doug’s wife.

Why It’s Important to Talk

Have you ever had a conversation with a friend and learned that what you thought about them or a situation or experience was totally wrong? You assumed they we’re upset with you about something or really enjoyed something or didn’t like something . . . and you were completely mistaken? You’d totally misread them, misinterpreted a reaction, or made incorrect assumptions. And how long had passed since you talked to them about it? Days, weeks, months maybe? And all that time you were operating under false assumptions, interacting with them (or possibly not interacting with them) because of what you incorrectly thought.

It’s the same in marriage. How many more times have you done this with your spouse? You share that many more experiences and interactions with your husband or wife, and it probably happens often. On the lighter side, you may have thought “all this time” that they love peanut butter pie and you make it for every special event. Years go by and they never admit that it’s fine but they’d prefer black forest pie instead. Or maybe you thought they really didn’t like the slippers you gave them last Christmas until they ask for another pair this year. On a more serious note, thinking, assuming, and believing falsely about your spouse could result in hurt feelings, grudges, and worst of all, bitterness.

Recently, Doug and I had a revealing conversation. I had had a concern about something based completely on my interpretation of a situation. I had been giving it much thought lately, even to the point of fretting over it, but I didn’t really want to bring it up. (Why, you ask? It wasn’t that I was worried about Doug’s reaction. I think I was afraid I’d be right in my assessment and didn’t really want to know that or properly deal with it.) Thankfully, the Lord presented an opportunity (by way of a topic of conversation that Doug brought up) for me to cautiously and tearfully mention my concern. As it turns out, it was completely unfounded and the resulting conversation was so good and relieving and encouraging. This weight was lifted from my shoulders and joy was restored to me.

If only I’d talked to my husband about this when the concern first arose.

That’s why it’s important to talk.

The Real Deal

Tim Tebow, the Broncos quarterback, is the real deal. He doesn’t just talk about his faith. He lives it. He takes it into the locker room and onto the football field and in front of the television cameras. He’s the real deal. Recently, Doug and I watched a “sounds of the game” video where they had put a microphone on Tebow. You could hear every word he said to himself, to his teammates during the game, to his Lord. Even under the stress of a being down 10-0 against Chicago with less than 3 minutes left in the game, Tebow’s words continued to prove his real-ness. At one point he prayed, “Lord, give me the strength, win or lose, to honor You.” I was speechless. That’s not how I thought he’d end that prayer. I think I expected, “Lord, give me the strength . . . to win,” but not “to honor You.” Wow.

Alright, you can tell I’m a Broncos fan, and that I’m impressed with Tim Tebow. But what does all of this have to do with marriage, you might wonder. What if someone put a mic on you and recorded your “sounds of the game” of marriage? What if they were recording every word you spoke to your spouse, every comment you made under your breath? What if they could somehow record your thoughts, too?

Would you be the real deal?

What Your Words Say

What do your words say about your marriage?

Do your expressions to one another indicate a special and unique relationship? Or are you two buddies living together as roommates?

Do you speak with affection, grace, and joy?

Do you flirt? Do you express things privately that would make you blush if heard publicly?

Do you build up or tear down?

Do your conversations get beyond the mundane and immediate?

Do you need to say more? Do you need to say less?

Do you use the various means available today (text, tweet, email, chat, Facebook/Google+, cards, letters, notes, Post-Its, etc.) to express your love to each other?

What do your words say?

God's Design for Marriage

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